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Getting divorced and climbing is a big reason why. Advice?
J P wrote: Answer= testosterone, stunted brain development |
Ashort wrote: Climbing is clearly a hobby. However it is unlike most hobbies in that it is all consuming. In saying that I am aware that many people have the same passion for a myriad of hobbies. I am more referring to what it means for me. I have other hobbies but only one passion. Well learning an instrument for me would be hard as I am tone deaf. My point is that climbing for me is usually more than a hobby that you can do for a while and set aside for more important issues. This will likely be true for many activities but this is a climbing forum. So the time and energy devoted to climbing will likely have a significant impact on other areas of life, whether it be relationships, careers or finances. Learning to play a guitar may not have the same impact but I have no idea as I never tried. I know I quit a job to be a fairly average climber. I know others quit jobs to follow their passion so climbing is not unique but it is certainly special. |
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Married for 15 years and 3 kids. I'd say my climbing passion has definitely led to some of our marriage problems. We are working through some counseling and it is helping us alot. We are both so very different so for me I have had to try and understand and accept my wife's differences as well as try to meet some of her needs that I wouldn't have known did we not sit down and have intentional, regular communication. And vice versa - she has had to try and understand my differences and try to meet my needs as well. |
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Climbing is merely the reason you are going off and not doing some other thing your wife or girlfriend wanted you to do or to do with her. And get this, having kids makes it even more likely you will split up, especially after the kids grow up. All of that talk about kids strengthening marriages is nonsense. A huge part of the reason people stay together is they can't make it financially on their own. So that might be the only glue holding you together, as it really was what kept most of our parents going, then they got so old they ran out of options and accepted their lot finally. |
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@tomstich Ouch. Ok Debbie downer. Sounds like you are close to this sentiment. #mywifeflashedyourprojbro #shehangsthedraws |
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If you can't financially make it on your own how are you going to make it X2? I hate the end of relationships & am really sad for a while, but in the long run, each new person in my life has been an upgrade in quality. I climb because I am a CLIMBER, not to get away from my wife. My significant other does not climb, but she knows I am going to climb & I need time for everything that I need to do keep myself climbing. I know that she needs time to do the things she loves & I am very supportive of her needs as she is of my needs. |
Jkug Kug wrote: I love climbing, but what you are saying sounds like any addiction, if it negatively affects those areas of your life you may want to do some self reflection. |
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Climbing is not a HOBBY if you are a climber! Either you are a person who climbs or you are a climber.
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We are living in a country where women may be forced to give birth, depending on how yesterday plays out this summer, and you wonder why it's hard to stay married? Okay. Rant over. Ish. Being married or having an SO is hard, and takes a huge amount of effort from both parties. Ironically, if you do go back in time to when divorce was rare? Marriage was largely a financial thing. Women had kids, men supported them, ALL of them worked their ass off on the family farm. Do we want that now? Not really. But? People now, also expect too much of their partners. It perhaps shifted too far the other way, from women being chattel for my greek grandfather, to with many expecting a relationship to be everything. That's simply not how it is. Climbing isn't just a hobby. No one dies in knitting needle accidents. It also takes a significant amount of time, which might mean that SO has to cover the home bases for you, and might come to resent that, eventually. It's also hard to love someone who may die a senseless death anytime they go off to do something. You've got to try harder, really talk to the SO, and if the SO isn't okay with your choices, that impact them very significantly, it's their option to not go along with it. If it seems like that pops up out of the blue one day? They may have had the short end of the stick for a very long time. Now, in fairness? Women often won't speak up, and just let things slide. Guys who want to stay married need to learn how to read their partner, and women need to keep trusting it can get better, and both have to keep putting in the work. To the OP? Keep in mind marriages fall apart pretty regularly, climbing or no. Sometimes, though? People lose the marriage, but regain the friendship. I've actually seen that pretty often. Hugs from afar, eh? Best, Helen |
Old lady H wrote:  |
Ashort wrote: Climbing is different than most other sports/hobbies, and places a greater strain on relationships for the following reasons IMO (I've been happily married for almost 20 years, but these are the issues that have strained our relationship): - unless your climbing partner is your spouse, you are spending a significant amount of time with another person, and it takes a lot of care to manage expectations, feelings, etc. - if your climbing partner IS your spouse, you are spending a significant amount of time with someone you might be all too comfortable with, under sometimes stressful conditions, and it opens up a whole different can of worms. - if your climbing partner is a member of the opposite sex, it might raise issues of jealousy (or same sex, in some circumstances) - road trips, traveling to climb, etc. means lots of time away from home and your spouse, in a purely selfish pursuit of your own goals/desires. Nothing wrong with that, but that is what it is. - if you have kids, any time spent climbing places a disproportionate amount of extra work on your spouse. - unless you're a person who hits the gym or nearby crag for a few hours once or twice a week, the sport/hobby does involve a serious time commitment. You're usually gone all day, or for multiple days on a regular basis. There aren't a whole lot of sports/hobbies that demand that sort of commitment. - |
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Compared to other hobbies climbing overall requires - more time - a partner - specific weather conditions/daylight The latter two don't always line up and when they do many climbers become especially selfish, often with minimal warning. Even if you are dating an unusually reasonable climber who doesn't want to drop everything at the last minute when a good partner and nice day conspire against their responsibilities, they are still going to be away a lot. Like I said, date a runner. Most are totally content with 60-90min of free time. I didn't realize how ridiculous climbing was until I tried other hobbies that are less weather sensitive/time demanding and can be practiced alone. I am better professionally and in my personal relationships for it. I'm not saying climbing makes everyone dysfunctionally selfish, but it certainly brings it out of some people who wouldn't otherwise manifest it. |
Jason Kim wrote: Bowling partner, running partners, back country ski partners, golf, shuffleboard
contrast this with back country skiing where you might actually kill each other or with golf where head game is quite important
same with other sports your not gonna ski alone
I have college teammates who still fly across the country to do some race
entirely a function of how much you climb, I would contend skiing takes even more time since you have to drive to such back of the woods places. If you are training hard for running you are so drained you can hardly function.
um I regularly have 12 hour ski journey were as I go crag for like maybe 6 hours at most. It is all about how much you invest your time not what you invest your time in. I spent far far far more time doing running stuff when I ran in college than I do climbing. |
jdejace wrote: Again, this sounds like any addiction. Climbing can produce the same high/low emotional states as drugs and other addictions. An older wiser climber once told me that climbing is one of the most selfish and ridiculous thing you could ever do, and remembering those words has helped me keep things in perspective. |
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I don't disagree with you. |
Mark Frumkin wrote: You also could just be an asshole who climbs or an asshole climber. |
Ashort wrote: I tend to agree with you here - you don't hear an elevated idea about golf being more than a hobby or pastime for the vast majority of people, but the concept of a golf widow exists. |
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Man the guy was just looking for some help and encouragement when going through a really tough time and it started off so well. Why does it need to devolve into arguing? This thread provided a lot of positives for many people who are/were clearly going through the same thing. Just let it end positive. You don’t have to win. |
Princess Puppy Lovr wrote: Dude, are you just looking to argue? I never said climbing demands the most time, or is the only sport where these factors are a concern. I was responding to the comment that questioned whether climbing was any different than “most other” sports or hobbies. And no, a bowling partner is not the same as a climbing partner. |
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I just want to add, as a musician/engineer/producer... Climbing is no different than music, if youre actually in it. Loads of practice/performance time, and loads of gear. Ive got triple or more invested in music gear than climbing gear, and spend more time a week on average doing music. Anyone that takes their craft, aka "hobby", seriously will say the same thing. If you're trying to be a professional in any sport or "hobby", it's all consuming. To tie it back in... if you are committed to a pursuit, and your partner can't handle that, then that settles things. |
