Getting divorced and climbing is a big reason why. Advice?

Jason Kimwrote:

Dude, are you just looking to argue? I never said climbing demands the most time, or is the only sport where these factors are a concern. I was responding to the comment that questioned whether climbing was any different than “most other” sports or hobbies.

And no, a bowling partner is not the same as a climbing partner. 

I made a comment responded to a comment to disagree that climbing is that unique. Climbing isnt some special little unicorn of a hobby, it just isn't. If you want to discuss this further I will point you over to the climbing isn't cool thread. The amount of time people invest in there hobby is a lot more important than what that hobby is, especially in regard to relationships. MP will split hairs over what defines a climber but if you take a sample of people in the climbing gym I bet most people average  5 days outside a year and spend more time in a bar than on the rock (no judgement).

Anyway, MP is designed to have arguments. Wish the OP the best no matter the outcome!

Ben, the great part of your divorce is that throughout the pain & sadness  & as it wears off you are going to climb with & meet some very nice people. In the meantime, you can laugh at all the stupid things we say here! 

Climb on. 

Happily married for over 18 years now;

Two kids and three dogs.

I use to climb a fair amount before kids and when they were younger, but as they approached teenage years; my wife became very resistant to me going climbing for a ten hour day. 

I listen to her and dialed it way back. I’ve climbed outdoors maybe 8 times this year.

Even with way less climbing; my wife still bristles when I go.

I’ve been mountain biking a ton lately, can get it done in 2-3 hours total.

relationships are not easy to maintain beyond the 20 year mark;  without significant work by both parties.  People are often fundamentally different; and those differences become manifest as the decades go by.

I have no real advice other than to listen to your partner, and try to be flexible.

Best of luck to all!

E

Ashortwrote:

I love climbing, but what you are saying sounds like any addiction, if it negatively affects those areas of your life you may want to do some self reflection. 

Too true - been an addict now for 30 years. However I have managed (barely) to be what they refer to as A high functioning addict. By some miracle been married for almost the same period and have a good job that pays well and gives me 12 weeks leave a year. So I climb a lot and have time to do other adventure trips with my wife

leaving today for a climbing trip!

Ryan Never climbs wrote:

it’s good to enjoy spending as much time with your wife as you do climbing 

Username may or may not check out.

A lot of good advice above. And, while I'm sorry for the loss you are feeling, trust me that a good divorce can bring a lot of happiness for everyone involved. 

The hardest thing about having a significant other that’s your main partner is when you want to go do something that they’re also interested in but with another partner that’s faster.

Or trying to take a climbing trip without them because they’re not really good at alpine or ice.

My last serious relationship was affected by my climbing though. They wanted me to focus more on work and move to a city with very little mountain access. We had other issues, but those two things weren’t really high on my list of acceptable compromises. Nor was having kids.

We went our separate ways, I ended up with someone as committed to adventures as I am. We’re not going to have any kids and work is only a means to pay for time off and adventures. 

The main point here may be lost if nobody discusses the sex. In fact the conversation has been completely ignored which makes me think this may not be the most honest conversation. Namaste.

M Mwrote:

The main point here may be lost if nobody discusses the sex. In fact the conversation has been completely ignored which makes me think this may not be the most honest conversation. Namaste.

It stands to reason that if the sex sucks or one's sex drive is lower than the other, then the wheels will fall off much quicker. 

Climbing and sex drive definitely go hand in hand and yeah I probably mentioned hand too many times for some. Certainly it can be a fine balance between keeping the S.O. happy and sending the latest proj. I have no advice though besides go with the flow, life can be short.

M Mwrote:

Climbing is absolutely meaningless compared to family. I'd take up bathtub water ballet over losing family over a hobby. Of course in my younger years I might/probably/almost lost family over it so there is that too.

This I'm single currently but wanting to get married and have kids.  I will drop every one of my outdoor hobbies if that is what is required to raise my kids and give them a stable family structure to grow up in (something I didn't so much have).  And I know it's going to be a massive sacrifice to do so but raising the next generation is bar none the most important task anyone can undertake besides the salvation of their soul.

Christopher Smithwrote:

… I will drop every one of my outdoor hobbies if that is what is required to raise my kids and give them a stable family structure to grow up in (something I didn't so much have).  

For the good news, nothing could be more un-necessary.  Or counterproductive.  I gave up nothing.  I incorporated my daughters basically from birth into all my activities (climbing, skiing, whitewater, scuba, canoeing, hunting, camping etc.) Now as they start high school, they’ve had over a decade of experience already and have loved every minute of it , as have I.  They’ve developed the fitness and self confidence that comes with it and now have the thirst for adventure and a great solid base to eventually pursue it all on their own eventually, but we continue to have a blast as a family.  

And I know it's going to be a massive sacrifice to do so but raising the next generation is bar none the most important task anyone can undertake besides the salvation of their soul.

It can definitely vary, and no two experiences are alike, but I can honestly say that any sacrifice was trivial, and was rewarded tenfold in return.  

Only drawback is I sold my soul to get all the above so salvation is off the menu.  

I'm at 27 years married, with twins in high school. I climb a lot. It sounds like it just wasn't meant to be...

Just finalized my divorce after nearly 11 years together. We met out climbing and climbing was the focus for both of us during the first few years. Those were the best times of our marriage in my opinion. At some point she became focused on career building and developing a sense of security for the future. I just wanted to keep living on the road so I could live simply and try to see how far I could go in climbing, but I convinced myself that I was at a point that society, and my spouse, deemed "time to grow up". I focused on climbing as much as possible and excelled, but was never operating anywhere near my max potential because of work and life. I bent for many years in this way, trying to fit into a box way too small for me. Big huge mistake on my part. I even took 5 years off of climbing to focus on building a business. I was self aware enough to realize that as soon as I noticed my climbing ability faltering I'd quickly shift my focus away from the company; all the way away. So I chose what I thought would make her happy, and ended up making myself miserable.

Fast forward to 2020 when my ultimate compromise was to close my shop and build us a house from the ground up, just outside of Hueco Tanks. The promised compromise was owning a place outright by the time construction was complete so she could have her "security" (a term I don't believe in) and we could get back to travelling AND have Hueco in our back yard. She didn't show up to be supportive for the massive construction effort and grew even more focused on the finances. I soon realized that all the travel I was promised was a pipe dream. After living in my camper almost entirely alone for a year while building the house the realities of our differences were laid bare and I began to feel like I was building my own prison. The camper life reminded me of how simple and joyful my life was when I only owned what was in my van, and the only things I was concerned with were eating, reading, and sending.

In the end I let her keep the house, land, and everything else except my truck and camper. I donated most of my worldly possessions to charity and am currently back on the road training and climbing 6 days a week. At this point I'm hoping to squeeze out a bit more of what I've long hoped to accomplish before age inevitably slams the door in my face.

The point is that climbing is certainly a major reason for the failure of my marriage, and a big part of that isn't as much the activity (although to push my limits requires unwavering consistency) but the lifestyle preference. Seeking mastery in anything requires all the distractions to be removed. I decided that both of us would be happier if we could focus on the lifestyles we wanted because they were so different, and I made the move because I knew that we were both too stubborn to quit.

If pushing your absolute limits at anything is your primary goal in life it can range from hard to impossible to have room for anything else, let alone a partner that doesn't share the same obsessive commitment to something. It just so happens that if you want to push your limits in climbing it requires almost all of your time and attention. Not some of it, ALL of it.

divorce was one of the better things that happened to me, at least from the view of a few years out. hope you feel the same way after some time as well. 

Mark Pilatewrote:

For the good news, nothing could be more un-necessary.  Or counterproductive.  I gave up nothing.  I incorporated my daughters basically from birth into all my activities (climbing, skiing, whitewater, scuba, canoeing, hunting, camping etc.) Now as they start high school, they’ve had over a decade of experience already and have loved every minute of it , as have I.  They’ve developed the fitness and self confidence that comes with it and now have the thirst for adventure and a great solid base to eventually pursue it all on their own eventually, but we continue to have a blast as a family.  

It can definitely vary, and no two experiences are alike, but I can honestly say that any sacrifice was trivial, and was rewarded tenfold in return.  

Only drawback is I sold my soul to get all the above so salvation is off the menu.  

I only say I might have to give it up as with my current career I cannot support a family and still spend thousands a year on my hobbies.  I hope to be in a position where I could afford that for myself and my kids but if I'm not then that's okay.  I'll probably just take up hiking a lot more, that's way cheaper especially than snowboarding and mountain biking.

Christopher Smithwrote:

I only say I might have to give it up as with my current career I cannot support a family and still spend thousands a year on my hobbies.  I hope to be in a position where I could afford that for myself and my kids but if I'm not then that's okay.  I'll probably just take up hiking a lot more, that's way cheaper especially than snowboarding and mountain biking.

The necessity created by having kids to support also tends to unleash things in you that you didn't know you were capable of. Once I had two kids my career and earnings took off. Like 10X. And I was somehow able to still spend time with the family and get on lots of adventures. Upgrade your career, don't downgrade your life. 

Fail Fallingwrote:

Obviously for climbing fanatics finding a partner that shares your fanaticism is the ideal, but barring that, finding someone that has their own "thing" that they spend their time on is ideal. In that situation, you can share your experiences with each other after returning from your separate adventures and effectively get two adventures for the price of one. The crux is to find that person that has their own thing that you care about hearing about and that cares about hearing about your climbing thing (which should be easy enough since the person you love should care about the things you love even if they don't care about the thing but experience has led me to learn that finding those sort of people is harder than it should be) 

This is probably the most important lesson I've learned in past relationships with non-climbers. And yes, it IS surprisingly hard to find others who dedicate as much time to a non-professional pursuit as many of us do to climbing, so as to have that back and forth of sharing stories or adventures and the mutual understanding that you'll both be quite busy a lot of the time...

Ryan Never climbs wrote:

wisdom right here. dual incomes help make some serious financial changes.

we had a kid and went from living in a van to owning a house 

Isn't that crazy how that works???!!!

Ashortwrote:

I love climbing, but what you are saying sounds like any addiction, if it negatively affects those areas of your life you may want to do some self reflection. 

From a womans perspective here( although I don't consider myself a typical woman) . I have read that women typicaly want about 100 things out of a relationship.  Men want  about  3 or 4 . Sex , dinner and climbing?  Anyhow due to my climbing addiction I have not managed to maintain a long term relationship.  And I have no regrets. On a typical year I climb about 80  days, and  ski about 100 ( I will ski or climb solo if I don't have a partner).