Getting divorced and climbing is a big reason why. Advice?

My friend's ex-wife told me that he was good looking, funny, a great dad, fantastic in the sack, intelligent, financially stable, and they could talk for hours and just enjoy each other's company...but she just wasn't going to put up with the climbing. 

Oh, wait that never happened to anyone. :)

M Mwrote:

I think the scientific/psychiatric world needs a published paper on the 7 year itch.

Let's be real, in 2021, with the presence of Disney+ in a large portion of homes, no man is good enough to stay with long term. Enjoy the few years your lady is delusional about turning you into her pet, then try to move on when they realize what a relationship is actually about.

Commitment was for our grandparents' generation, and our parents' generation was a transition to what we have now, which is a bunch of narcissist trying to get along with each other for as long as possible. If you find someone that is faithful, awesome, loving, and committed for the long term, you wouldn't have to worry about how much climbing you do. My grandfather spent more time teaching kids how to play baseball, basketball, and football than any of us spend climbing, and my grandmother was the most supportive person on the planet. 

Loving people don't tell their love to give up their passion, they embrace it and support it. Dont hate yourself for falling in love and getting hurt in the modern age. We've been conditioned to never think anything or anyone is good enough, at least for very long. Glad I still live in the past... including never shopping for a partner on a dating app! I'd rather spend years single.

Interesting read....FWIW my experience with 4 years of significantly reduced time to spend climbing due to work/kids/family has been a 2-sided coin when it comes to performance and enjoyment. 

Initially the abrupt transition from climbing 3-4 days/week to only getting outside to climb every other weekend was very difficult, my climbing ability suffered about a full number grade and I lost a lot of motivation. I was very busy with starting a new business and family so I didn't get super depressed, but occasionally I would get into some mild depressive funks that got exasperated by increased drinking and some weight gain. 

About 1 year ago, I decided to embrace my hectic schedule and focus on training performance for the limited days that I get to spend outside, as well as make some lifestyle changes (ie drinking only 4 days/week....I know that's still a lot but I promise it feels like a big change.) I've quickly gotten back to where I was previously and I find that I actually enjoy the time outside even more.

All this is to say that, for me, having a huge amount or time to dedicate to climbing seemed like the only way to enjoy the sport but with some perspective and a refocusing of goals I have found that for an intermediate level climber, climbing can be a very healthy lifestyle even for those with many responsibilities. When i have only a limited amount of time to spend climbing, I find that I am more focused rather than spending whole days hanging out at the crag farting around.

Some caveats: 

Of course i want to go on more trips, but such is life...

Location and access to good local climbing makes a big difference, if I had to travel to climb outside things might be different. 

My wife is a climber so she understands. Interestingly, we rarely climb together now that we have kids. Luckily that has been a good thing and we still climb as a family occasionally. 

"Getting divorced and climbing is a big reason why. Advice?"

Don't re-marry.

A relationship is based on help.  Can you help her and will she accept the help and vice versa.  

A relationship based on climbing would likely be short term since interests change.  Good luck with the future for both of you.

Matthew Jaggerswrote:

Let's be real, in 2021, with the presence of Disney+ in a large portion of homes, no man is good enough to stay with long term. Enjoy the few years your lady is delusional about turning you into her pet, then try to move on when they realize what a relationship is actually about.

BURN! That hits close to home. And I straight up guffawed at the mention of Disney+.

M Mwrote:

I think the scientific/psychiatric world needs a published paper on the 7 year itch.

Jaggers, I thought you permanently blocked me, thanks for letting me back into your life!

Plenty of documentation. Statistics.

Parachute Adamswrote:

Plenty of documentation. Statistics.

Is that a screenshot from AskJevers?

There is of school of thought that the seven year itch has a biological basis.

https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/is-there-a-biological-basis-for-the-7-year-itch/

Every once in awhile mp reminds me of it’s value.

Once in a while?  I see its value every time I look at the site: Less than zero.

WF WF51wrote:

….  I see its value every time I look at the site: Less than zero.

Got any antiques ya wanna sell?

I think in this modern day and age, relationships don't tend to last FOREVER the way they used to. We used to depend on each other for financial and child-rearing reasons, but now we can do all that without a lifelong commitment to another person. Historically people wouldn't leave their small hometown, now we fly all over the world and meet thousands of strangers. 

I've had 3 or 4 amazing, multiple-year relationships with fantastic, incredible men. All of my partners have been climbers, but we never enjoyed climbing together (I like alpine, and they were into bouldering or developing) but we understood and supported each other's passions. My marriage was probably my worst relationship yet. 

Now I'm dating a new man, and it's turning into the most amazing relationship I've ever been in. We enjoy climbing together, and dancing, and politics, and art...

You can't find something great if you're still stuck in good.

Good luck out there! This isn't the end, simply the doorway to a new adventure. 

Free Spiritwrote:

I think in this modern day and age, relationships don't tend to last FOREVER the way they used to. We used to depend on each other for financial and child-rearing reasons, but now we can do all that without a lifelong commitment to another person.

I'm going to push back against this.  Even being amicably divorced has an impact on kids.  This is repeatedly documented and I personally can attest to this as my parents were divorced since I was an infant.

It's sad that so many people dismiss the importance of family.

Christopher Smithwrote:

I'm going to push back against this.  Even being amicably divorced has an impact on kids.  This is repeatedly documented and I personally can attest to this as my parents were divorced since I was an infant.

I'm going to have to disagree with your pushback. My ex and I are awesome co-parents. We are very much on the same page about how to raise the kids, and very involved in their welfare. When we were together, he would scream at me, throw things, and punch walls. It was a very unhappy and unhealthy situation for everyone involved. 

Now my kids see healthy relationships role-modeled. They are exposed to two different parenting styles, and lots of love. They get 2 birthday parties, and 3 Christmases. 

People were sold the idea that "divorce is bad," that you are somehow a failure, but I counter that it is the unrealistic expectation to hold onto a relationship for 50+ years through changing economic, technological, and personal growth that is unrealistic anymore.  Why would I stay in a bad relationship, so my kids would learn to tolerate abuse?

I don't think that divorce is always bad, and I'm sorry that your parents couldn't get it together enough between themselves for you to not be positively impacted by it.  It seems like growing up around people who hate each other is what is harmful. 

...all that being said, my parents will be celebrating their 50th anniversary next year. They married at 17 and 21, and have never been with anyone else their whole lives.  Are they "more happy" for that? I'm not sure. They fight like any other couple, and have considered divorce before.

They will only know each other their whole lives, where I have known what it's like to be loved in different ways by different people.  Both are a worthy life journey. 

Free Spiritwrote:

Now my kids see healthy relationships role-modeled. They are exposed to two different parenting styles, and lots of love. They get 2 birthday parties, and 3 Christmases. 

This is basically the same as how my parents were with me, it had an impact.  They are not seeing a healthy relationship between their biological mother and father (I'm sorry step parents are different, you didn't have the hormonal bonding with them and it makes a difference).  Being exposed to two different parenting styles is also probably not good.  My mother and step-father were disciplined with me, my father (I think for fear of losing custody) was basically just my buddy.  It had an impact on me.  Having multiple holidays is completely superfluous.  Trust me even the idea of amicably divorced having an impact on kids is backed up by research.  Frankly, I know I will get crap for this, the idea that marriage/sex is about bonding between two people first and foremost and about procreation and rearing of children second (or maybe even not at all) is a huge part of this.  Also the idea that love is some mushy feeling and not the active willing the good of the other is also to blame, the mushy feelings come and go (and are usually the initial result of hormonal bonding in sex) and you have to have a foundation to push through that.  And while yes, I am a Christian (traditional Catholic to be exact), I realized pretty much all this when I was still just a wandering agnostic and making a lot of these mistakes with sex.  The problems with marriage has nothing to do with "modern blah blah blah".

Free Spiritwrote:

They get 2 birthday parties, and 3 Christmases. 

I'm really curious why there is an extra Christmas.

It is really cute when people with no kids who have never been married feel qualified to lecture about how marriage and parenting works.

Free Spirit wrote:

Grandparents, of course.  

I was kidding, but thanks for answering.  But I'm not sure we can measure the quality of a childhood by counting holidays...