Getting divorced and climbing is a big reason why. Advice?

Ryan Never climbs wrote:

bang more climb less?

the key to any good relationship is discussion and compromise.

petzl logicwrote:

the key to any good relationship is discussion and compromise.

Agreed but the comprise thing needs to be minimal, too much of it and your soul has been compromised and you are a sell out and/or completely whipped.

Someone above mentioned how marriage has changed over time and that expectations have increased dramatically whereupon one person has to meet all the needs of an entire village. Below is a great Ted talk with Esther Perel that explains how in the modern age marriage has changed.

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/ted-radio-hour/id523121474?i=1000508691597

Thanks to everyone who chimed in, so much here - enough for endless crag discussions. My first wife left me (not because of climbing), and though I have a lot of bitterness about it I’m so thrilled because essentially we were not a match and I’ve accepted the fact that I’m responsible for marrying her. I’m married now to a beautiful woman and we just had a kid and hope to have more. I don’t have it figured out and it remains to be seen how our story unfolds. I still want to climb hard and have been adapting by embracing training vs endless cragging - we’ll see how that plays out. To the OP I say better days are ahead for you and wishing you the best!!

M Mwrote:

Agreed but the comprise thing needs to be minimal, too much of it and your soul has been compromised and you are a sell out and/or completely whipped.

so you'd rather argue than compromise between climbing and sex? i guess if you have a kid you can do neither, win win.  

petzl logicwrote:

so you'd rather argue than compromise between climbing and sex? i guess if you have a kid you can do neither, win win.  

I’m not sure I understand your point, could you explain more to help this dummy out? 

My ex-husband and I were together for 11 years, married for 7 when we separated in 2018. I distinctly remember being given an ultimatum in January of 2018 regarding me climbing less. Plot twist: I didn't, and we ended up divorced.

The root of the problem for us was not climbing, but that we didn't have anything in common anymore and we didn't enjoy spending time together. I was climbing every chance I got because I needed an escape. I do really love climbing, but I spend a good amount of time doing other activities/hobbies nowadays than I did back then.

My ex-husband did not climb. We went to the gym a few times, but he didn't really enjoy it and I knew in my heart of hearts that he was too hot tempered. In a stressful situation, could I trust him? 

I am in a different relationship now, and my partner climbs. It isn't his #1 preferred activity, but he does enjoy it a lot. I have a lot of other friends I climb with, but he is by far my favorite belayer. We climb together often, but we also spend time doing other activities that we enjoy - together, and separately. Being with someone different allows me to understand that what truly happened was that my ex and I didn't enjoy spending time together doing anything. I refused to make adequate time for him doing other things because I didn't enjoy doing them with him. I am fine not climbing all of the time because I truly enjoy spending time with my current partner, doing pretty much anything. In this relationship, it doesn't feel like a compromise.

Does that make any sense?

Climbing wasn't the real issue in our marriage, but it was the catalyst that allowed me to understand what the real problem was. Obviously, YMMV, but it's something to consider. 

Kate Blumewrote:

My ex-husband and I were together for 11 years, married for 7 when we separated in 2018. I distinctly remember being given an ultimatum in January of 2018 regarding me climbing less. Plot twist: I didn't, and we ended up divorced.

The root of the problem for us was not climbing, but that we didn't have anything in common anymore and we didn't enjoy spending time together. I was climbing every chance I got because I needed an escape. I do really love climbing, but I spend a good amount of time doing other activities/hobbies nowadays than I did back then.

My ex-husband did not climb. We went to the gym a few times, but he didn't really enjoy it and I knew in my heart of hearts that he was too hot tempered. In a stressful situation, could I trust him? 

I am in a different relationship now, and my partner climbs. It isn't his #1 preferred activity, but he does enjoy it a lot. I have a lot of other friends I climb with, but he is by far my favorite belayer. We climb together often, but we also spend time doing other activities that we enjoy - together, and separately. Being with someone different allows me to understand that what truly happened was that my ex and I didn't enjoy spending time together doing anything. I refused to make adequate time for him doing other things because I didn't enjoy doing them with him. I am fine not climbing all of the time because I truly enjoy spending time with my current partner, doing pretty much anything. In this relationship, it doesn't feel like a compromise.

Does that make any sense?

Climbing wasn't the real issue in our marriage, but it was the catalyst that allowed me to understand what the real problem was. Obviously, YMMV, but it's something to consider. 

Just as the OP you got hit by the 7 year itch. Just another petty statistic. By definition marriage is a compromise. Every serious relationship is. 

Have you agreed to only sleep and be with this person? If so that is a compromise. 

I spent 30 years with a woman who rarely climbed. She passed on awhile back. She did her thing, I did mine. And every moment in between we spent together.  How is that so hard?  It's not. Simple respect for a different approach. 

Your climbing isn't a problem with your marriage. Your marriage is a problem with your climbing. Only you can decide which matters more, cause no one else really cares.

Parachute Adamswrote:

Just as the OP you got hit by the 7 year itch. Just another petty statistic. By definition marriage is a compromise. Every serious relationship is. 

Have you agreed to only sleep and be with this person? If so that is a compromise. 

I spent 30 years with a woman who rarely climbed. She passed on awhile back. She did her thing, I did mine. And every moment in between we spent together.  How is that so hard?  It's not. Simple respect for a different approach. 

Your climbing isn't a problem with your marriage. Your marriage is a problem with your climbing. Only you can decide which matters more, cause no one else really cares.

You missed the part of my comment where I explicitly said that climbing was not the issue in our marriage, but that we didn't like each other anymore. Climbing just helped me realize that.

Kate Blumewrote:

You missed the part of my comment where I explicitly said that climbing was not the issue in our marriage, but that we didn't like each other anymore. Climbing just helped me realize that.

No I didn't. 7 year itch. Climbing didn't help you realize that. Climbing was your distraction from confronting the truth.

Parachute Adamswrote:

No I didn't. 7 year itch. Climbing didn't help you realize that. Climbing was your distraction from confronting the truth.

People grow apart. Especially if they met as teenagers, when they had absolutely no idea who they were or what their interests were. 

I confronted that truth, got divorced, and am happier than I've ever been.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

Kate Blumewrote:

People grow apart. Especially if they met as teenagers, when they had absolutely no idea who they were or what their interests were. 

I confronted that truth, got divorced, and am happier than I've ever been.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

You’re really going to act like you know more about your own situation than P Adams, the person whose entire knowledge of your situation is based on two internet posts that YOU wrote?

Jake wanderwrote:

You’re really going to act like you know more about your own situation than P Adams, the person whose entire knowledge of your situation is based on two internet posts that YOU wrote?

I wouldn't listen to me. It's obvious I know nothing about having a successful relationship with different interests. Or after 30+ years as a psychiatrist my understanding of repetitive human behavior is non existent.

Parachute Adamswrote:

I wouldn't listen to me. It's obvious I know nothing about having a successful relationship with different interests. Or after 30+ years as a psychiatrist my understanding of repetitive human behavior is non existent.

As such, you have to guard against a narrow, egocentric view though.   I on the other hand, have been diagnosed by several psychiatrists to have multiple opinions simultaneously. I am also a veteran of hundreds of once successful relationships. All this has taught me that no matter what happens, never lose the friendship. True love can evolve, but it only ever really dies if we allow ourselves to dwell in our own sorrow and hurt too much. The best and quickest way to healing and happiness is to remember and nurture the core of what you loved about the other person originally.

This preserves the best chance of later using them for sex or a place to crash when running from the law and stuff.  I forget all the details of what the psychiatrists said, but it was essentially along these lines.  

Edit: lame smartassery aside, the friendship thing is sincere advice.  

Parachute Adamswrote:

Or after 30+ years as a psychiatrist 

Calling BS - your posts say 30 yrs of AA more than a medical professional.

M Mwrote:

Agreed but the comprise thing needs to be minimal, too much of it and your soul has been compromised and you are a sell out and/or completely whipped.

This may be the first time I've ever completely agreed with M.m.

I think the scientific/psychiatric world needs a published paper on the 7 year itch.

Jaggers, I thought you permanently blocked me, thanks for letting me back into your life!

Parachute Adamswrote:

I wouldn't listen to me. It's obvious I know nothing about having a successful relationship with different interests. Or after 30+ years as a psychiatrist my understanding of repetitive human behavior is non existent.

I hear that "Mansplaining" is going to get its own entry into the DSM-6. 

Kate Blumewrote:

My ex-husband and I were together for 11 years, married for 7 when we separated in 2018. I distinctly remember being given an ultimatum in January of 2018 regarding me climbing less. Plot twist: I didn't, and we ended up divorced....

Climbing wasn't the real issue in our marriage, but it was the catalyst that allowed me to understand what the real problem was. Obviously, YMMV, but it's something to consider. 

Great post. Agree 110%. Strangely, right before I separated from my now ex-wife (amicably, I should say), I was spending HOURS every week on my road bike. It was great for my fitness, of course. Once we separated my bike suddenly gathered dust. I realized that much of my motivation was riding AWAY from the disharmony between us.

IMO relationships don't prosper or fail based on shared activities, though having some overlap is always nice. The key to good relationships are empathy, mutual positive regard, good communication skills, and, of course, a good sexual chemistry is wonderful. I don't care if my next big relationship is with a climber or a surfer or not. As long as she sees the joy those things bring to me and wants to see me joyful we'll be great. And, of course, she deserves that same kind of support from me. 

Andrew Ricewrote:

Great post. Agree 110%. Strangely, right before I separated from my now ex-wife (amicably, I should say), I was spending HOURS every week on my road bike. It was great for my fitness, of course. Once we separated my bike suddenly gathered dust. I realized that much of my motivation was riding AWAY from the disharmony between us.

IMO relationships don't prosper or fail based on shared activities, though having some overlap is always nice. The key to good relationships are empathy, mutual positive regard, good communication skills, and, of course, a good sexual chemistry is wonderful. I don't care if my next big relationship is with a climber or a surfer or not. As long as she sees the joy those things bring to me and wants to see me joyful we'll be great. And, of course, she deserves that same kind of support from me. 

Last relationship failed, but the next one will be great. 

It's always good to be optimistic and I wish everyone the best of luck, but a lot of these posts are the equivalent of beta from someone that "led without difficulty, but did not send." 

Nice, the thread got productive again. Thanks so much to all who are contributing I’ve really enjoyed hearing and learning from everyone. Lot’s of wisdom here, and  hard-earned wisdom at that.