Is dating a climber worth it?

One of the reasons an ex and I broke up was because I started climbing outdoors and he had absolutely no interest. I ended up leaving him at home every weekend. We drifted apart as I wanted to seek bigger and crazier objectives and he ended up becoming more of a homebody. When we broke up, he told me, “I will never date another climber again.”

That was 7 years ago and since then, to this very day, I’ve personally only dated other climbers. Holding hands when you’re both wearing tape gloves at the crag is cute as fuck. Bickering over who gets to lead the sick fingercrack money pitch is also fun. I used to “joke” that I will only date climbers who had the same climbing style as me AND they had to be an equal or better climber. It was a “joke” but it was also…true. As a result, every climbing/romantic parter I had, was truly awesome. We shared incredible trips, supported each other on similar goals, and had a great time. I’m still actually good friends with most of those people, even though the romantic partner part didn’t work out (different life goals like wanting kids, location/distance, personality traits), and I value those memories. I don’t like to harbor resentment.

I’ve changed a lot though. I no longer have that firey passion, the drive to climb hard and do big objectives. Every day, I take another step away from climbing, and perhaps one day I won’t be a climber anymore.

This shift has greatly changed my perspective on what I’m looking for in a partner. Perhaps I’ll break my own rule and the next person I date won’t be a climber at all.

People change. Life is fleeting. Live fast, die young. Etc. 

Dating climbers is terrible I’m unsure how my wife is married to one   

grug g wrote:

It depends on the type of climber.

If both individuals have strong, conflicting climbing goals then it will be challenging.

I would slightly disagree - if both people have strong goals that they are motivated to pursue separately, that can be healthier in the long run than needing to have all their goals overlap perfectly.

Hell, I don't have any climbing partners, male or female, whose objectives and preferences 100% overlap with mine. So I mix and match partners depending on the specific objective, as I assume most people do. That's a lot to ask for from a relationship.

The first question I asked my now husband when we met was..."how hard do you climb?" The first few years of our relationship are fond days for us both. Skipping out on work to climb, flying out for week long sufferfest trips, living out of the back of a rental car, off grid with no one knowing what we were up to half the time, drinking way too much scotch and freezing/sweating our butts off all while getting some really rad climbs done. Our motto was: "we did not come here be comfortable, we came here to climb". Fastforward past living in a van together for a year and half, we bought our first home, built a tension board2  in the garage (we are climbers after all) and are entering our homesteading years. We don't really climb together as much since our interests as climbers have diverged over time. I still love big alpine routes and adventures, ice and ski mountaineering. Our foundation is good though, so despite this, we have our core values in alignment and at the end of the day, he is my best friend, and we make time and space for each other as we each continue to grow and change. Climbing and suffering together can create a really special bond of shared experience, but it should not be the only thing. We still get out on big adventures together and because we don't get to do it as often, it's something we really look forward to when we do. But I think for me, climbing and skiing with other people is also really healthy too; we don't need each other for anything, but we do choose each other always. 

My experience echoes what others have said. I met my wife through climbing. We complimented each other well and raged for many years. She always climbed a bit harder than me and took the crux pitch; I always excelled at managing the trip/approach/route logistics. Now we have small children and climbing together is difficult because who’s watching the kids? She has no interest in risky climbing anymore. I’m good for 1-2 long routes a year. I’ve gotten more into sport climbing and she’s more into bouldering. When we do climb together, if feels like a treat. Our relationship is strong because, as someone else said, we align on the big life issues. Boulders or bolts? Who cares. 

As someone who has climbed for 68 years, I've seen a whole lot of relationships and been in a few.  My non-climbing wife and I have been married for forty-two years and have a thirty-eight-year-old daughter. It has worked fine for us.  I live 40 minutes from the Gunks, so have the ability to climb without making major trips to do it.  In another life, I would have taken more trips, but I'm not complaining. Having a family and a career was and is more important to me than climbing, but I've managed to enjoy them all.

My observation about climbing couples is that the issues they have are the issues they would bring personally to any relationship.  Climbing doesn't fix anything. Having lived a pretty long life, I can report that some folks like me keep on climbing and others give it up, and there is no way to predict that.  Climbing injuries can end climbing careers, and other health issues, typically completely unanticipated, can also put an end to climbing. Passions can shift to other activities.  So if you are going to be with someone for a while, you hopefully have or can forge a connection that is independent of sharing climbing, because there is no way to know if that sharing will continue. That said, climbers are action-oriented people and seem to me to do best with other people with passions for something--not necessarily climbing or even something outdoorsy.

  It is true, however, that the stresses inherent in climbing situations can bring forth and perhaps exacerbate relationship issues, and I think that discrepancies in ability can add to the difficulties.  Particularly fraught are relationships that begin as mentor-mentee connections; the initial uneven "power" structure may not translate to a more egalitarian long-term connection.

I tell what puts strain on a relationship - when your mate takes 30 goddamn minutes to establish a belay. That strain WILL be felt through the rope, literally.

Aaron K wrote:

I would slightly disagree - if both people have strong goals that they are motivated to pursue separately, that can be healthier in the long run than needing to have all their goals overlap perfectly.

Hell, I don't have any climbing partners, male or female, whose objectives and preferences 100% overlap with mine. So I mix and match partners depending on the specific objective, as I assume most people do. That's a lot to ask for from a relationship.

Are you dating or married to a climber? 

When I met my wife she was primarily a snowboarder and I was primarily a cyclist. She taught me to snowboard and I brought her from a casual bike rider to a cyclist. Lots of time spent at varying skill levels with me being bad at snowboarding and her being slow on the bike. Fast forward many years and now I’m chasing her on the bike and she is chasing me on the board. We started climbing together, we progressed at similar paces, sometimes me being more bold/stupid and her being more methodical and safer. She doesn’t like multi pitch, sport climbing, or bouldering. This is how we ended up here in Monticello where we can climb single pitch cracks until our hearts content. Having an all the time climbing partner is something I couldn’t imagine living without. Our goals have become more similar over time as it relates to climbing and I’m ok with the constraints we have on climbing today based on preferences. I love supporting her in her goals and cheering her on.

I am partnered to someone who fell out of climbing, years before we met due to some awful experiences with other previous partners. She told herself she would never date a climber again—yet here we are (joke’s on her, lol). In seriousness though, she came back around on climbing once we met and she found a style of climbing that really filled her adventure cup and she got to experience those wonderful moments of us in the alpine or at a beautiful crag. However, she is still working through past climbing-related trauma, finding her limits, and navigating her evolving relationship with the sport. We both understand that her connection to climbing and how it fits within our romantic partnership, is dynamic and ever-changing. 

I grappled with the same questions you are, climbing is an important part of my life but ultimately I concluded a life partner will always be more important than almost anything else in my life. What mattered most was finding the right person and not necessarily the person who did the right activities (though valuing the outdoors and movement is a part of being the right person). I knew if I found the right person, I could make the relationship and climbing work. When I was thinking hard on this topic, I found this amazing MP post, a very diverse set of perspectives and experiences. One wise line that always stuck with me was "No crag is ever going to love you back".

https://www.mountainproject.com/forum/topic/121722182/getting-divorced-and-climbing-is-a-big-reason-why-advice

As a single-mom climber, back in the day when my kids were younger, and I only had 2 weekends of “me” time when they stayed with their father, dating a climber was the only way I could get both dating and climbing into my life. 

It worked really well for me in the long term. My now-husband had been a primary climbing partner of mine before we started dating, and we’ve been together over a decade now  

If I didn’t have kids back then, or, if I were looking for a romantic partner now, climbing would be ONE of the things I would consider, but not the ONLY thing.

My husband has gone through a long period of not climbing, or barely-climbing, in the past 10 years, and obviously we have enough of other things that make us happy to be together.

But I can tell you that vacations are more fun when he’s in a “climbing phase”. Hard to get both the long climbing trip you want, and the non-climbing vacation that your spouse might want, if you have only a limited time off. If both partners are climbers, that happens much easier.

Obviously all of these things are qualified with “it depends”. You might have more free time than your partner, if you are a teacher, for example. You might not care about climbing trips. You might get burned out 3 years from now, etc. 

Graham Thomas wrote:

I am partnered to someone who fell out of climbing, years before we met due to some awful experiences with other previous partners. She told herself she would never date a climber again—yet here we are (joke’s on her, lol). In seriousness though, she came back around on climbing once we met and she found a style of climbing that really filled her adventure cup and she got to experience those wonderful moments of us in the alpine or at a beautiful crag. However, she is still working through past climbing-related trauma, finding her limits, and navigating her evolving relationship with the sport. We both understand that her connection to climbing and how it fits within our romantic partnership, is dynamic and ever-changing. 

I grappled with the same questions you are, climbing is an important part of my life but ultimately I concluded a life partner will always be more important than almost anything else in my life. What mattered most was finding the right person and not necessarily the person who did the right activities (though valuing the outdoors and movement is a part of being the right person). I knew if I found the right person, I could make the relationship and climbing work. When I was thinking hard on this topic, I found this amazing MP post, a very diverse set of perspectives and experiences. One wise line that always stuck with me was "No crag is ever going to love you back".

https://www.mountainproject.com/forum/topic/121722182/getting-divorced-and-climbing-is-a-big-reason-why-advice 

https://www.mountainproject.com/forum/topic/121722182/getting-divorced-and-climbing-is-a-big-reason-why-advice#ForumMessage-121722651

Somehow linked to this thread and have really enjoyed it. Such a fun question to think about. Here is my 2 cents. Last fall, I got to experience throat cancer surgery and radiation and a touch of chemo. Never in my 15 years of marriage have I been more clear on how lucky I am to have my life partner. Stop worrying about who climbs what and be darn sure you are with the right person for the dark times. They will come. When I woke from surgery all I repeated was her name. For 4 long days in the hospital, holding her hand was magic. She is stoked that I’m back on my project. And by stoked, I mean that she lets me go, because she wants me out of the house. She climbs 5.7 twice a year. Who cares. I’m the luckiest person there is. For me, climbing is an obsession. I’m glad I don’t live with another junkie. 

j mo wrote:

Somehow linked to this thread and have really enjoyed it. Such a fun question to think about. Here is my 2 cents. Last fall, I got to experience throat cancer surgery and radiation and a touch of chemo. Never in my 15 years of marriage have I been more clear on how lucky I am to have my life partner. Stop worrying about who climbs what and be darn sure you are with the right person for the dark times. They will come. When I woke from surgery all I repeated was her name. For 4 long days in the hospital, holding her hand was magic. She is stoked that I’m back on my project. And by stoked, I mean that she lets me go, because she wants me out of the house. She climbs 5.7 twice a year. Who cares. I’m the luckiest person there is. For me, climbing is an obsession. I’m glad I don’t live with another junkie. 

Great post.  I hear you brother.

Dating a climber is like trying to fuck your cake and eat it too.

Colonel Mustard wrote:

Dating a climber is like trying to fuck your cake and eat it too.

Nothing impossible about the analogy.  IMHO, the analogy is gross but climbing with my best friend and wife is awesome so the analogy doesn’t hold.  

Live Perched wrote:

Nothing impossible about the analogy.  IMHO, the analogy is gross but climbing with my best friend and wife is awesome so the analogy doesn’t hold.  

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not necessarily making a pejorative analogy.

Full disclosure: I married a climber. Who is now not a climber.

It was super awesome to climb cool stuff with her but our climbing interests and goals wound up not aligning. For various reasons, she no longer boots up.

It seems like people will think it’s awesome to have the climbing coupleship without thinking of the nuts and bolts of it. Getting the smaller percentages of great climbing partner and great life partner to fall into the even smaller percentage of people meeting both criteria is… fleeting at best? Congrats to you, sincerely.

Having climbing partners/friends I don’t also have to go home and navigate the perils of life with is also priceless.

I've written a lot about this in previous posts. I married my best climbing partner in 1979. We also backcountry ski and hike together. A friends with benefits climbing partner is the gold standard. Even when you have a fight, you still need a partner that weekend. She is still my favorite partner though injuries have slowed her down.

She gets it when I head off to the creek for 3 weeks and will often fly in for the last week. I can't imagine my life without her. YMMV.