Childfree because I don't want to fuck up my climbing; husband not happy

K. Le Douche wrote:

If you don't want to have kids, don't.  Your husband will either decide the thought of having kids is more important than you, and leave you; or that you are more important than the thought of having kids, and stay with you.  That's got to be his call, just as much as not having kids is your call.  All you can do is let him know as soon as possible so he can move on, if that is his choice.

My wife and I decided not to have kids, and it's great!  

This.

Good decision. Having kids pretty much means putting them first the rest of your life. It sounds like you have ambitions and dreams that you want to put first and that typically does not make for a healthy relationship with your children and spouse. Good luck with your goals. Kids are not for everyone and I think its really healthy for people to decide its not for them.  

We have a baby girl who's almost two. I've found that we've been able to climb more than we thought we would, though no extended trips. Roughly, we've gone from every weekend to every other, but it goes in spurts--a month where we climb a lot, a month with no climbing. One practical consideration is where are the grandparents? In our case my parents can't get enough of their first grandkid, but unfortunately they live in another state. If they lived nearby I think we'd be climbing as much as we did before we were pregnant!

In the fully anecdotal fwiw department:

• I was totally on the fence about whether to have kids, but now I would say it's probably been the best experience of my life;
• It took a while, but my wife is climbing harder than she ever has;
• I sort of like climbing a little more now because I don't feel as much pressure, but I appreciate my time on the rock more;
• On the other hand, I'm 41, and got to get my dirtbag climbing fix in my twenties before settling into a career in my thirties. 

Yikes, I'd love to stay away from this one, but I do feel like I have some insight. My wife and I are obsessed with climbing and do it all the time. We have two children under 27 months. My wife climbed her whole pregnancy with a Mountain Mama pregnancy harness. She got right back to it after each child, but that isn't always possible. Each body reacts different to child birth. 

We take our kids with us often, but try to understand that crag babies can be nearly as bad as crag dogs and lame people. We are careful when and where we bring them. We get out a lot and both climb harder now than prior to children. It's possible, but is a total commitment that is probably only possible if both mom and dad are ridiculously committed to climbing. 

Lastly, I think having children can place major strains on the relationship and your whole world dies change. For me, it's brought more joy than I could have ever imagined. The only thing better than climbing in my opinion. 

Adopt?

I really want to say +1 to adoption but maybe it's best that you don't have kids.

I would consider an annulment if possible. Depending on the state you can potentially stipulate that you got married under assumptions that are no longer true. My ex and I split over similar "us vs. me" concerns and it was a very good outcome for both of us. Getting out of a marriage where goals don't align prior to huge financial or familial investments is a really good choice. 

BTW, is "fuck up your anatomy" a medical term?  

I'm asking because you are a doctor.

Can let him sleep around with a hooker girl who doesn't want kids to get one and than he can be a stay at home dad while you go around doing your thing. Or you could adopt a kid that way you don't fuck up your anatomy and he still gets a kid that he wants.

Assuming this is trolling like everyone else.

If you're not trolling and actually want to hear from people with kids:  Ours are 2, 7 and 10.  We've already spent more than 40 days climbing outdoors this year, and sending season has just begun.  Plus several trips to comps for the eldest and ~3 evenings a week in the gym.  Climbing is kind of all we do as a family, so I'm not really sure where all these incompatibilities between climbing and parenting are.  If you like to climb and you want kids, you can make it work.  Other people may hate your guts for having your noisy, rowdy kids in a grownup space...but that's gonna be true wherever you take your kids so it might as well be the crag.

As far as being in your 30's and your body being hot and stuff, suck it up.  Your body is going to look like shit some day, so you might as well get as much mileage out of it as possible.  Unless you're a genetic freak, you're on the tail end of peak climbing anyway.

If you don't want kids, that's cool, too.  Nobody except your husband will give a crap.  He'll give a crap, so maybe talk to him about this.

Mark my words: This thread started off great and is only going to get better!

Josh Janes wrote:

Mark my words: This thread started off great and is only going to get better!

Yeah, considering that it's raining here today, I was pretty happy to see this show up. The bouldering/climbing thread has been pretty entertaining, too.

John Kelly wrote:

Soon to be divorced. This doesn't have anything to do with kids anyway. "I love how my body looks, how healthy and powerful it is, and what it can do on the rocks" was dead giveaway. Hanging with other male climbers in shape, getting attention, while he's hiking with kids. I'll get flamed for sure I got the silver fire suit on.

Seen/heard this bs before. Won't cop to it but the kid thing is just a rationalization. Do yourself, your husband, and mostly your kids a big favor and get out know because a year from now you'll be gone anyway.

 You remind me of someone I just know....same shit. And I call her on it. She's been married three times. First was blamed on marathons, second on tri's, last on climbing. Hey great athlete she is for sure!

But lets get real. When you're gone half the time, away from home, hanging with hot guys or girls in shape, shit happens. Denials all around not withstanding we all know it. Can't have you're cake and eat it too.  You want out just go now you'll be gone in a year anyway., Not first time I've seen this from women or men, not gender specific and I'm not saying she is wrong in what she wants. What I can't stomach is the way people make up stuff that's really not the reason casue they can't face the real reason. Gawd I hate that.

John - You warped OP's confidence in her own body into something narcissistic when in fact childbirth (either C-section or vaginal delivery) does change a woman's anatomy - which was one factor of her concern. You must be trolling to really insinuate a woman's confidence in her own body and prowess is something to be hidden away because god forbid its only business is to parade around other sweaty, in-shape, male/female climbers. Bring real, sounds like you're projecting hot people = "shit happens" a bit too widely, especially for this post. 

OP - I get it. As a Ob/Gyn doc hopeful, I've seen how pregnancy undeniably changes a woman's anatomy, and quite unpredictably from person to person. I, like yourself, want kids but hesitate on taking that physiologic gamble - the potential of a C-section where the rectus abdominus stripped from the facia and cut at the midline (aka "fuck up your anatomy"). However, there is something to be said about the body being pretty good at healing and it is certainly not the end of climbing. Sorry I can't give much insight on the flipside. I understand how you're feeling, and best of luck resolving this issue with your husband. 

Dude (Andrew G.?) bro there is a river over in Egypt you should research.It's called da nile. Or at least that's how we spelled it. Seem a lotof thumbs up got pointed at that reply. People are people they do this shit all the time.

And if I could project stuff I'd project next weeks winning Powerball numbers on my wall.

It is what it is. Not uncommon at all. Denial, wanting out of marriage, what can I use as excuse so I can go out for beers with Jose from the gym after climbing. In my case it was a woman I screwed up and payed but I knowest where i come from.

 Another lost soul who can't face the realities that people rationalize their decisions to make themseleves feel better.

I give it 6 months to a year. Any takers...?

This thread is a hoot! Unfortunately I can't keep up with it because my 8 and 10 year old girls are begging me to take them to the climbing gym for a 3rd night in a row - daddy needs a rest day, but I guess I'll take them. The irony.

I'm not sure about body image-related issues (I'm pale and soft but fine with it), but if climbing a little less for a few years or dropping a few letter grades in the long-term (potentially) is something you are seriously weighing vs. squirting out a rug-rat, you shouldn't even think of doing it. There are soooo many other more important things to think about.

I have two kids, 19 and 14 now. I got my first taste of climbing before I got pregnant with the first one, and started climbing seriously after I had the second.

I love my kids, and I don't regret having them, not for a second. But if I am honest with myself, I think sometimes that if I had gotten into climbing seriously FIRST, and if I were kinda-sorta on the fence about kids, I might have opted not to have kids. As it were, I always knew I wanted to have kids, and I was actively trying to be get pregnant around the same time I tried climbing for the first time, and at that time climbing seemed like a fun thing to do, but I didn't quite anticipate how much INTO it I would be, in the future.

I know many women who climbed strong before having kids, and who have continued to climb strong after having kids. I also know women who pretty much quit climbing after having kids.

I should add that all the strong female climbers who climbed before and continued climbing regularly after having kids have husbands/partners who are also very much into climbing. Having a non-climber husband would make your attempts to climb post-kids exponentially harder. Right now, if you wnat to go climbing, he is free to do whatever he wants. But after you have kids, you going climbing would mean that he is on child duty while you are gone. And as much as he may want to have kids right now, and as much as he might be a wonderful and hands-on father to them, he would very much resent you going away to have fun while he is stuck at home with a fussy kid or two.

None of this is really relevant to you though. While you are SAYING that you are looking for people's experiences with kids and climbing, You aren't looking for advice on how to make climbing work after having kids. You decided you don't want to have them. It is a perfectly reasonable and valid decision.

Now you need to make it clear to your husband in no uncertain terms. Because if you really have decided not to have kids, and you had an understanding that you would have kids, going into this marriage, then it is not fair to lead him on and pretend that you would maybe have kids eventually, if you are sure you don't want to. And then he might decide that he doesn't want to stay with you, that not having kids is a deal breaker for him. So you have to be crystal clear in your own mind that you do not want to have kids, even if it means losing this guy that you married, because that is a possibility. And sometimes you can't have it all.

You will be both fine if you get a divorce, it is not the end of the world, and much better to do it now, then after you grudgingly have a kid and you both end up resenting each other, and would have to co-parent this kid for many years.

Katie River wrote:

John - You warped OP's confidence in her own body into something narcissistic when in fact childbirth (either C-section or vaginal delivery) does change a woman's anatomy - which was one factor of her concern. You must be trolling to really insinuate a woman's confidence in her own body and prowess is something to be hidden away because god forbid its only business is to parade around other sweaty, in-shape, male/female climbers. Bring real, sounds like you're projecting hot people = "shit happens" a bit too widely, especially for this post. 

OP - I get it. As a Ob/Gyn doc hopeful, I've seen how pregnancy undeniably changes a woman's anatomy, and quite unpredictably from person to person. I, like yourself, want kids but hesitate on taking that physiologic gamble - the potential of a C-section where the rectus abdominus stripped from the facia and cut at the midline (aka "fuck up your anatomy"). However, there is something to be said about the body being pretty good at healing and it is certainly not the end of climbing. Sorry I can't give much insight on the flipside. I understand how you're feeling, and best of luck resolving this issue with your husband. 

MD here. I'd like to back up what Katie is saying. Having a child DOES permanently change the body. Vaginal delivery fundamentally changes the pelvic floor anatomy and C-section involves cutting the rectus abdominus horizontally. You heal from both, but some people can have long lasting changes.

Also, John Kelly has a case of stage 4 trolling and he will die from it, because, let's face it, there is no cure for being a cunt.

EDIT

sounds like you are too into yourself ( me me me me me) and your husband should upgrade.......

My wife and I made the mutual decision to not have children BEFORE we married.  This was a big deal and we spent a lot of time discussing the pros and cons and what each decision would mean to our lives.  Had either one of us changed our mind after we likely would be divorced.

Since you have changed your mind after marriage, you owe it to your husband to be 100% honest with him.  No wishy-washy bullshit.  If you don't want kids, you need to tell him straight up and not fill his head with hope that maybe you'll change your mind.  You also have to accept that this might well end in divorce, and if he wants out because of this, you need to accept that and let him.  You can't guilt him into changing his mind to suit your new opinion.  

Hope it works out, but sometimes a divorce is what is best for a marriage.