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Childfree because I don't want to fuck up my climbing; husband not happy


Original Post
Jane W · · Unknown Hometown · Joined Oct 2017 · Points: 0

When we got married, my husband (a non-climber) and I were in agreement that at some point we'd have kids. After getting married, however, I began climbing a little more seriously and it has become a large part of my life now. I love how my body looks, how healthy and powerful it is, and what it can do on the rocks. I also value my free time and our ability to get out of town on the weekends for climbing (for me) and hiking (us) trips. So my feelings about kids have changed and I think I've decided against ever having kids. I know, I know, there are a lot of great women climbers out there who have had kids and are still crushing and enjoying their lives. But, as an OB nurse and former nanny, I know there is a lot more to their story that you might not know about. Being pregnant and delivering a baby can fuck up your anatomy and your physiology in more ways than you think, and taking on the reponsibility of caring for another human 24/7 is the most stressful thing you can do to yourself. Understandably, my husband is upset. He has always been excited about having kids some day. I'm in my early thirties, so it's a pretty time-sensitive problem. What have been your experiences with being pregant, having a baby, being a parent, and continuing climbing?

Adam Password · · Timbuktu · Joined Mar 2015 · Points: 0

Finally someone with logic and reasoning other than the typical maternal answer of "because I want kids" when asked why they want kids. Keep calm and climb on is my opinion. If he really cares for you then adoption is always an option to answer his wants. If not get a dog to keep him company while you're out climbing, lol. But then again this could be another REI post designed to get the community stirred up. Well played sir, well played! 

Robert Michael · · Unknown Hometown · Joined Aug 2014 · Points: 156

In case this isn't a troll:

It's your body and your life; you get to decide what to do with them, but you have to accept it could cost you your marriage. If you're not absolutely sure you want kids, don't have them; while some unenthusiastic parents become great parents and love their children dearly, many more do not.

That doesn't answer your particular question, but it answers some more important ones.

Joe Prescott · · Fort Collins · Joined Apr 2013 · Points: 8

Um... are you trolling, or really asking MP's opinion on whether you should or shouldn't bear children? FWIW, my wife squirted out 2 (I watched) and they are 10 and 8 now and we climb as much or more than before. Usually with them, or drop them of with their grandparents of extended trips. If you treat your body right, you can recover and maybe the experience makes you even stronger.

Tapawingo Markey · · Unknown Hometown · Joined Feb 2012 · Points: 75

Just joined today so I'm suspecting troll but here's a quick google search that might provide more meaningful insight than those that typically post on the MP forums (excluding the women on here that may have been through this already)...

http://bethrodden.com/2016/03/climbing-pregnant-medical-study-results/

http://cragmama.com/2013/12/rock-climbing-and-pregnancy-what-changes-to-expect/

https://www.climbing.com/skills/pulling-down-while-pregnant/

HaustinM · · reno, nv · Joined Jul 2015 · Points: 15

yer gonna die

Eric Engberg · · Unknown Hometown · Joined Apr 2009 · Points: 0

It would be nice if no child ever had to be born to  a resentful parent who doesn't want them.  Your post was pretty much all me-me-me, nothing about wanting to stay with your husband because...  You're both young enough (actually you didn't mention your husband's age) to go find a more compatible partner.

jg fox · · Long Beach, CA · Joined Jun 2015 · Points: 5

Jane W wrote:

When we got married, my husband (a non-climber) and I were in agreement that at some point we'd have kids. After getting married, however, I began climbing a little more seriously and it has become a large part of my life now. I love how my body looks, how healthy and powerful it is, and what it can do on the rocks. I also value my free time and our ability to get out of town on the weekends for climbing (for me) and hiking (us) trips. So my feelings about kids have changed and I think I've decided against ever having kids. I know, I know, there are a lot of great women climbers out there who have had kids and are still crushing and enjoying their lives. But, as an OB nurse and former nanny, I know there is a lot more to their story that you might not know about. Being pregnant and delivering a baby can fuck up your anatomy and your physiology in more ways than you think, and taking on the reponsibility of caring for another human 24/7 is the most stressful thing you can do to yourself. Understandably, my husband is upset. He has always been excited about having kids some day. I'm in my early thirties, so it's a pretty time-sensitive problem. What have been your experiences with being pregant, having a baby, being a parent, and continuing climbing?

Time for a divorce...

Joe Prescott · · Fort Collins · Joined Apr 2013 · Points: 8

I vote that you don't have kids (or get a dog).

Jason Todd · · Cody, WY · Joined Apr 2012 · Points: 1,119

Jane W wrote:

When we got married, my husband (a non-climber) and I were in agreement that at some point we'd have kids ... So my feelings about kids have changed and I think I've decided against ever having kids. ...

That's the discussion you need to have with your husband. The hobby is irrelevant at that point.

From my experience, being a parent to small children and married to a non-climbing spouse means a lot less climbing than I otherwise would like. However, after having kids, it isn't all about me.

Chris Owen · · Big Bear Lake · Joined Jan 2002 · Points: 10,156
Jane W · · Unknown Hometown · Joined Oct 2017 · Points: 0

Note: Not a troll! Joined today specifically to ask this question and hear your experiences with pregnancy, parenting, and climbing. Thanks guys. 

John Kelly · · Greenville, SC · Joined Sep 2017 · Points: 45

Soon to be divorced. This doesn't have anything to do with kids anyway. "I love how my body looks, how healthy and powerful it is, and what it can do on the rocks" was dead giveaway. Hanging with other male climbers in shape, getting attention, while he's hiking with kids. I'll get flamed for sure I got the silver fire suit on.

Seen/heard this bs before. Won't cop to it but the kid thing is just a rationalization. Do yourself, your husband, and mostly your kids a big favor and get out know because a year from now you'll be gone anyway.

 You remind me of someone I just know....same shit. And I call her on it. She's been married three times. First was blamed on marathons, second on tri's, last on climbing. Hey great athlete she is for sure!

But lets get real. When you're gone half the time, away from home, hanging with hot guys or girls in shape, shit happens. Denials all around not withstanding we all know it. Can't have you're cake and eat it too.  You want out just go now you'll be gone in a year anyway., Not first time I've seen this from women or men, not gender specific and I'm not saying she is wrong in what she wants. What I can't stomach is the way people make up stuff that's really not the reason casue they can't face the real reason. Gawd I hate that.

Locals Only · · Unknown Hometown · Joined Jan 2012 · Points: 1,110

Jane W wrote:

Note: Not a troll! Joined today specifically to ask this question and hear your experiences with pregnancy, parenting, and climbing. Thanks guys. 

sorry if we don't f*cking believe you!

Adam Password · · Timbuktu · Joined Mar 2015 · Points: 0

Joined today, as in?.....became sentient? I knew Skynet was real. 

Robert Michael · · Unknown Hometown · Joined Aug 2014 · Points: 156

If you decide to make your husband happy and have kids, look at two bright spots:

* You can train them to belay.

* Since your husband doesn't climb, you'll have free babysitting while you go out and climb with people you like better.


Jake Jones · · Richmond, VA · Joined Jul 2011 · Points: 1,490

This raises more questions than it answers.  Do you not want kids because of climbing, or the freedom?  Because honestly, either way, it will change your physiology, at least temporarily.  You definitely will climb less- at least for the first few years.  No two ways about it, especially if you still have to work a full time job.  If you really wanted kids, I don't think sacrificing your personal pursuits would be as much of a question in your mind as it is now.  I think this is the wrong place for this question.  First figure out what you really want.  As was stated earlier, it's your life, and your body.  The decision is yours alone.  Either way, sounds like you're at a crossroads and you'll be sacrificing something at least partially.  Your marriage, or your pursuits.  Sadly, for those of us that aren't independently wealthy, there's always a sacrifice involved.

Bill Shubert · · Lexington, MA · Joined Jul 2012 · Points: 55

Kids are a dealbreaker. You can't compromise and only sort of have kids. It's too big a life decision for most people to give up on what they want (to have kids or to not have kids).


You have to talk to your husband. If kids are a must-have for him, and it sounds like they are, then end it now. The sooner the better, so he can go have the kids he wants and you can get on with your life.

Señor Arroz · · Unknown Hometown · Joined Jan 2016 · Points: 10

Don't have kids if you don't want to have kids. Definitely don't have kids to make someone ELSE happy. It's really challenging being a parent even when you want them. Can't imagine being a parent if my kids had been forced on me against my own desires.

grog m aka Greg McKee · · Unknown Hometown · Joined Aug 2012 · Points: 70

This is fair to you, but not fair to your husband. Being with someone is an investment in life. Your husband invested his time, love, and money in to your relationship with the understanding that you guys would be creating children. If you have a child now, it will probably cause you to resent your husband. 

Señor Arroz · · Unknown Hometown · Joined Jan 2016 · Points: 10

grog m aka Greg McKee wrote:

This is fair to you, but not fair to your husband. Being with someone is an investment in life. Your husband invested his time, love, and money in to your relationship with the understanding that you guys would be creating children. If you have a child now, it will probably cause you to resent your husband. 

I think fair is beside the point. I've seen a number of couples where someone agreed to have children without their heart being in it because they thought that would "fix" an already-shaky marriage. It never works out that way. And then there are kids involved.

If two married people are in complete 180 degree disagreement about something that is important to both of them I'd say a good divorce can bring a lot of happiness.

Guideline #1: Don't be a jerk.

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