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Is dating a climber worth it?

Original Post
Alanna Steele · · Bellingham, WA · Joined Jun 2022 · Points: 0

Tell me your experiences. The good, the bad, the in-between. 

Live Perched · · Unknown Hometown · Joined Sep 2016 · Points: 21

Climbed a bit.  Stopped.  Dated a girl who always wanted to climb. We climbed together. Got married and still climbing together 19 yrs later.  Worth it. 

Jay Crew · · Apple Valley CA, · Joined Feb 2018 · Points: 4,068

splitting up the rack sucks

Israel R · · Unknown Hometown · Joined Jul 2018 · Points: 87

Just make sure there is more to the relationship than climbing. One of you might stop climbing one day (heresy, I know). 

My romantic partner started as a climber but now mostly trail runs. Perhaps for the better, we have a pretty big skill difference that makes climbing together outside logistically challenging.

Luke Lalor · · Bellevue, WA · Joined Sep 2017 · Points: 10

I see way more couples crying / yelling on multi pitches than friends.

Hangdog Hank · · Leavenworth, WA · Joined Mar 2017 · Points: 2,034

I think that just like anything else, there are pros and cons, but in my opinion the pros definitely outweigh the cons. Some of the pros are that we both share a passion and have a lot of aligning priorities such as where we live and how we spend our free time. It's also really nice to be able to come home after sending your project and share the stoke with someone who really gets it. Some of the cons are that differing skill levels can make it sometimes challenging to find a crag or a destination that you are both stoked on. Additionally, Injuries and loss of psyche can sometimes put pressure on your relationship since if you decide you don't want to go on a climbing trip or want to prioritize a different hobby for a little while it can negatively affect your partner. 

Overall, though, dating a climber has been great and my girlfriend have worked out a few general guidelines we try to follow to ensure were both having fun and climbing isn't controlling our relationship. One of the most important ones is to not become each other's primary climbing partners especially if you're of differing skill levels. We still climb together fairly frequently but we usually do it on fun group cragging days or when we're visiting a new area and want to do some classic moderate multi pitches. Weve also found that bouldering is much easier for us to both have a good time with since its low commitment and allows for us both to get on boulders were psyched on within a single day of climbing. 

Alanna Steele · · Bellingham, WA · Joined Jun 2022 · Points: 0

I would love to share adventures and alpine experiences with a main partner someday, but I don't want climbing to be the sole focus in the relationship. 

I ask this question because my last relationship was so climbing centric, I couldn't even think about what other things I wanted/valued in a relationship. When we (my ex and I) spent domestic time together, it wasn't the best, but then, adventure time amped up the euphoria all over again and I felt I confused the intimacy of adventure with the intimacy of a relationship. As a brand new climber who was "mentored" by my ex a few years ago, I didn't know how to distinguish those intimate differences. 

Fast forward, I've learned to be cautious. I've learned to see through ego and pay attention to how people treat me during climbing sessions. However, I am not optimistic in finding a long term partner who also loves to climb. It's hard to seek a potential long-term climber partner who doesn't put climbing first all the time. 

Thoughts? Am I just not finding the right people?

grug g · · SLC · Joined Jul 2022 · Points: 0

It depends on the type of climber.

If both individuals have strong, conflicting climbing goals then it will be challenging.

Israel R · · Unknown Hometown · Joined Jul 2018 · Points: 87
Alanna Steele wrote:

I would love to share adventures and alpine experiences with a main partner someday, but I don't want climbing to be the sole focus in the relationship. 

Fast forward, I've learned to be cautious. I've learned to see through ego and pay attention to how people treat me during climbing sessions. However, I am not optimistic in finding a long term partner who also loves to climb. It's hard to seek a potential long-term climber partner who doesn't put climbing first all the time. 

Thoughts? Am I just not finding the right people?

Which matters more to you, finding an adventure partner or a romantic partner? I agree that finding both in one person is a tall order because even finding one can be difficult. You may have to figure out what you're willing to give up. Maybe they are an amazing romantic partner but they only like top roping in the gym occasionally, maybe they are a stoked and skilled climber/adventurer but they don't always show up in the relationship the way you need them too. 

If you want to screen for the romantic side of things more heavily, maybe hold off on doing any climbing things until your relationship is a bit established and you have a better sense of whether or not you actually like the non climbing aspects of the person (after date 6/7/8?). 

L Kap · · Boulder, CO · Joined Apr 2014 · Points: 105

I dated climbers back in the day. I've been happily partnered with my non-climbing spouse for 18 years. Climbing is very important to me. It is how I spend many hours a week. My spouse also has his own things, and we have some solid non-climbing interests that we share.

Assuming you're looking for a life partner (you might not be)...

There are a lot of things that went into finding a life partner that, for me, didn't have much or anything to do with climbing. Were we reasonably on the same page about the big stuff like kids, in-laws, friends, religion, money, sex, politics, humor, food, where to live, how to make a home, how to spend time, how to treat each other, ethics, and what makes a good life? These are things I chose to prioritize in a life partner.

It would be nice to have a spouse who climbs with me. I can fantasize about so many amazing climbing trips we could have taken together. That said, when I was dating climbers, there was always some degree of friction about what to climb, where, and how often. Risk tolerance. Weather tolerance. Endurance. Fondness for camping. And what I've wanted as a climber has changed over time.

I feel happy and fortunate to have had many great climbing and adventure partners over the years, and I'm okay that this part of my life is not tied to my spouse. He's just fine with it too. I don't need him to climb, but it would have been a deal-breaker for me if he had been too distrustful or needy to let me go on climbing trips.

 Caveat - if I had very little free time or vacation time, and I wanted to spend most or all of it climbing, that could have changed my priorities. 

Alanna Steele · · Bellingham, WA · Joined Jun 2022 · Points: 0
Israel R wrote:

Which matters more to you, finding an adventure partner or a romantic partner? I agree that finding both in one person is a tall order because even finding one can be difficult. You may have to figure out what you're willing to give up. Maybe they are an amazing romantic partner but they only like top roping in the gym occasionally, maybe they are a stoked and skilled climber/adventurer but they don't always show up in the relationship the way you need them too. 

If you want to screen for the romantic side of things more heavily, maybe hold off on doing any climbing things until your relationship is a bit established and you have a better sense of whether or not you actually like the non climbing aspects of the person (after date 6/7/8?). 

I don't care if they're bad at climbing, but I would like to date someone who is into exploring and moving their body with me in nature. I love the movement of climbing outdoors and I'd like to share that playfulness with someone.

The older I get, the more important it is for me to adventure with good people - even if that means our climb/objective won't be super challenging. 

Because climbing and trail running are two of my favorite ways to move my body, I spend a lot of time doing those activities. I'd love some overlap in a partner. I'm not looking for a certain skill-level, just a love for outdoor movement (and safety basics). 

Alanna Steele · · Bellingham, WA · Joined Jun 2022 · Points: 0
L Kap wrote:

I dated climbers back in the day. I've been happily partnered with my non-climbing spouse for 18 years. Climbing is very important to me. It is how I spend many hours a week. My spouse also has his own things, and we have some solid non-climbing interests that we share.

Assuming you're looking for a life partner (you might not be)...

There are a lot of things that went into finding a life partner that, for me, didn't have much or anything to do with climbing. Were we reasonably on the same page about the big stuff like kids, in-laws, friends, religion, money, sex, politics, humor, food, where to live, how to make a home, how to spend time, how to treat each other, ethics, and what makes a good life? These are things I chose to prioritize in a life partner.

It would be nice to have a spouse who climbs with me. I can fantasize about so many amazing climbing trips we could have taken together. That said, when I was dating climbers, there was always some degree of friction about what to climb, where, and how often. Risk tolerance. Weather tolerance. Endurance. Fondness for camping. And what I've wanted as a climber has changed over time.

I feel happy and fortunate to have had many great climbing and adventure partners over the years, and I'm okay that this part of my life is not tied to my spouse. He's just fine with it too. I don't need him to climb, but it would have been a deal-breaker for me if he had been too distrustful or needy to let me go on climbing trips.

 Caveat - if I had very little free time or vacation time, and I wanted to spend most or all of it climbing, that could have changed my priorities. 

That's interesting! I find it hard to spend my time not moving my body/doing in-motion activities. How did you two meet?

Yes, looking for a life partner. I resonated with what you said about how what you've wanted as a climber has changed over time. I currently have lots of free time and like to fill the majority of it up seeking climbing adventures, but I'm also trying to keep a balance. I will say that moving outside is how I mentally stabilize myself. :) 

Franciscan Melange · · Unknown Hometown · Joined Sep 2023 · Points: 0

It is worth it! Sharing your favorite activity with your favorite person is pretty fantastic. It’s great in a “so many of my best days, bar none, from the last several years are from our climbing trips together” way, as well as a “gee, it’s convenient agreeing on how to use our vacation time and having someone who understands why I’m gloomy when I’m injured” way.

I feel like the thing is to make sure that even if there weren’t a relationship or if there weren’t any climbing, they’re still the kind of person you would be best friends with. Having shared activities besides climbing, activities you each like to do with other people, types of climbing you do with other people, and compatible/overlapping but not identical climbing and nonclimbing friend groups all seem good and healthy. One would hope there’s enough mutual trust and psych for your partner being psyched to support all of these things. 

highaltitudeflatulentexpulsion · · Colorado · Joined Oct 2012 · Points: 35

When I met my wife I was climbing 13’s and she nearly was too. We were both happy on hard 11’s and easy 12’s in the alpine and had a great time getting after it. We were highly compatible climbing partners.

Around the time we got engaged, I started developing some chronic health issues. I got weaker and weaker. Fast forward to now, I’m good for maybe 2-3 pitches of 10 a day. I can’t really consider alpine or multi pitch unless she leads almost everything. Even sport/crag climbing, I have to go first on everything because of the high likelihood that I’ll be unable to finish and she’ll need to do it to get the draws/gear back. This happens all the time. My “projects” are barely a warm up. I can’t emphasize enough how badly I suck now.

I’m a shitty climbing partner for her now.

Our relationship is not in any jeopardy though, because even though we are no longer good climbing partners, we are still good partners.

Think about that in your dating life. One of you may quit. Climbing may be taken away from one of you. Life can and will change. The relationship is with each other, not with the rock.

philip bone · · sonora · Joined Dec 2011 · Points: 0
Jay Crew wrote:

splitting up the rack sucks

I've known couples to split up the crags! 

Cherokee Nunes · · Unknown Hometown · Joined May 2015 · Points: 0

Having a climber as a dating partner will (likely) lead to 2x feelings of jealousy if you go climbing with others while your mate stays at home for whatever reason. Your days of solo adventures are also likely to erode if not vanish entirely.

Dow Williams · · St. George, Utah; Canmore, AB · Joined Mar 2006 · Points: 240

Has less to do with the act of climbing than codependence being a well known killer of long term relationships.  I got married at 19 to my high school love interest.  It lasted 7 years.  She was the definition of codependence.  She relied way too much on me for her happiness and I in turn resented having that much responsivity.  As predicted it broke down.  I have had the same partner now for over 30 years.  Sure, she climbs with me once in a blue moon and I ride horses with her once in a blue moon. She is a horse trainer, I am a climber.  We have our own worlds.  We spend almost 6 months apart during any give year and have a wonderful long term relationship based on zero codependence.  I can admire her recount of training and competing in dressage, she admires my recount of adventures of alpine, rock and ice.  Mutual respect.  Any marriage/couples councilor will tell you that working together, for money or play, can be dangerous for most relationships.  However, I have seen couples who love spending 24/7 together.  But I would have to agree with most professional psychologists.  Normally, that sort of codependence is fraught with issues.  Climbing by design, big wall or alpine at least, is very much a codependent relationship best sampled in small amounts and spread out over several great partners.  Good luck.

L Kap · · Boulder, CO · Joined Apr 2014 · Points: 105
Alanna Steele wrote:

I don't care if they're bad at climbing, but I would like to date someone who is into exploring and moving their body with me in nature. I love the movement of climbing outdoors and I'd like to share that playfulness with someone.

The older I get, the more important it is for me to adventure with good people - even if that means our climb/objective won't be super challenging. 

Because climbing and trail running are two of my favorite ways to move my body, I spend a lot of time doing those activities. I'd love some overlap in a partner. I'm not looking for a certain skill-level, just a love for outdoor movement (and safety basics). 

What if your partner is the more enthusiastic or advanced climber and doesn't want to spend precious time on moderates? I've had many friends whose chief complaint about their climbing spouse was that they (my friend) felt pressured into supporting their partner on climbs that were terrifying or unfun for them (hard multi-pitch, aid, ice, risky scrambling), or spent a lot more time than they wanted being the belay slave on their partner's project. 

L Kap · · Boulder, CO · Joined Apr 2014 · Points: 105
Alanna Steele wrote:

That's interesting! I find it hard to spend my time not moving my body/doing in-motion activities. How did you two meet?

We met on a dating website, back in the olden days before dating apps existed. We both enjoy hiking, so we do a lot of that together. We hike with our dogs every day that logistics and weather allow. It's a great time to connect and check in without distractions or screens.  

Yes, looking for a life partner. I resonated with what you said about how what you've wanted as a climber has changed over time. I currently have lots of free time and like to fill the majority of it up seeking climbing adventures, but I'm also trying to keep a balance. I will say that moving outside is how I mentally stabilize myself. :) 

Climbing is so great for mental health, for multiple reasons: exercise, endorphins, focus and meditative flow state, companionship, challenge and accomplishment, being outside in nature and in the sun. I can't get enough, honestly. But it's also valuable to diversify and have balance, as you said. Climb long enough, we all have to take breaks whether we want to or not, when we get injured or life intervenes. 

Big Red · · Seattle · Joined Apr 2013 · Points: 1,187

In my opinion it's important to align two things:

1. Needs for time spent together

2. Attitude towards climbing (if time together is climbing) 

Cosmic Hotdog · · Southern California · Joined Sep 2019 · Points: 335

Done it, not sure I'd do it again. When it's good, it's fantastic. When it ends, if you made the mistake of having that person be your primary climbing partner (I did), you suddenly find yourself scrambling to find new partners which sucks. 

If I did it again, I would really really emphasize the importance of each person continuing to climb with whoever they climbed with prior to the relationship. I know many will disagree with me on this but it's deeper than just climbing - it shows how secure each person in the relationship is and sets the tone for how each person will conduct themselves in the relationship when their S/O has a social life and friends they want to continue to maintain. 

Sure, it's good to climb with each other now and then but I think it's critical to keep your existing friendships/partnerships. It's a massive red flag if someone you're dating is super insecure and jealous and has a problem with you climbing with other people. And to be clear, that should go both ways - if your partner gives you trust and encourages you to maintain those friendships, you should be extending all of the same things to him/her.

Guideline #1: Don't be a jerk.

Pacific Northwest
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