ISO my Climbing Mojo

After a horrific ski crash in March, I was incredibly grateful to start climbing in July. However, something is missing. I don't really know what it is, nor know how to get it back, but it's effecting me greatly. I can't lead anything, I constantly question the gear, I question my climbing partner who I trust more than anyone, and overall just lack confidence in climbing anything. Imagining climbing something on my to-do list immediately increases my heart rate. I am grateful to be alive and able after my injury, but I certainly don't want to lose climbing. Yes, this is my first serious injury, so I think that I am just hyper aware of the body's limitations rather than thinking I am invincible like I have for the 4 years of climbing I had prior. I just ordered 'The Rock Warriors Way', and my climbing partner is going to (try to) drag me up something scary in the black canyon this week.

Any other tips or anecdotes would be much appreciated. Just want to return to the life changing experiences only found in the vertical. Thank you all. 

Oof I'd be cautious about trying to jump into the deep end with something scary in the Black. That's a great way to go too far too fast and only reinforce the fear.

I don't have much advice other than to take it slow, be patient with yourself, and let your mind heal in a similar way that you've let your body heal.

I would be interested to hear more about your ski accident and how your recovery has been going. I also had a ski accident in March and broke my L1 (burst/compression fracture). I started running/jogging again in July and have just started to top rope again. I don't have an exact answer for you and have also been feeling the same way, though I have also not tried to lead anything yet. One thing I try to keep remembering is that it really hasn't been very long since the accident. I am not expecting to be fully recovered until over a year out from reading other people's experiences with a similar injury. I still have moderate pain/soreness in my lower back after any strenuous workouts. I have been really working on a calisthenics routine along with lots of yoga and stretching which has made noticeable differences. The rock warriors way is a great book and I think you will get some good value out of it. All this being said, I think it will come back in time. Enjoy the black canyon, an awesome area!!

Recovery takes time.  Sometimes it's not just physical, i.e. 'let your mind heal in a similar way that you've let your body heal".  Maybe you'll be a toproper for awhile.  Once you separate your identity from your activity, it'll come back when you're ready. I wouldn't rush it. Especially, I wouldn't count on having a good time on a long, scary route in the Black.  Maybe try some light scrambling... try and access what it is you really love about this activity.  If it's just thinking of yourself as the kind of person who fires long, scary routes in the Black, you may be in for a reckoning.

Ben,

Several years back I had a nasty ice climbing accident and had to be carried out by a group of nearby climbers who graciously came to my rescue over several hours. I was bedbound for a month, peeing into a bottle; and it was another 2 months before I could toprope again. I made a lot of sincere effort during my recovery to accept full responsibility for what happened. It wasn't a freak accident, but instead it was a very poor judgement call I arrogantly made regarding the condition, terrain and skill level. I have had several close calls prior to this accident but always walked away, deeming them "objective hazards." I came to a resolute conclusion that this time it was my mistake to own up to, and I would never make that mistake again. Owning up to what happened as my own doing (and therefore, completely avoidable in the future) helped me tremendously and the accident has not left any lasting negative effects on me, but only made me more aware of my "limitations and fragility" in the face of nature, as you put it, and made me more calculated of my surroundings. 

Thanks to you all! ~ I spent 4 days in Escalante canyon reading the Rock Warrior's Way and climbing very easy route's slowly working up to leading 5.10a sandstone cracks. With nobody out there except my friendly, supportive climbing partner, I was able to see how much my ego controlled my climbing. I didn't want to lead harder things because I didn't want people to see me weak, but out there with nobody around, I could fall, rest on gear, even aid if I needed to, all care free. I was solely in love with just climbing up the rock. On our drive back to Gunnison, we stopped by the Black and did a quick run up Maiden Voyage 5.9. Though I was the most scared I have been in years, the Rock Warrior's Way opened my eyes to how irrational the fear was. I lead the crux pitch clean! (Not a big deal but for me it meant everything - unconcerned with the ego's desires). Incredibly stoked to have spent a week climbing, I returned to Gunnison content, and grateful that I was able to climb at this grade after only 7 months from the injury. I AM BLESSED. Yesterday, my partner and I went up to Taylor Canyon and I lead 2 routes I've never lead before. Got them both clean, and with near perfection(to my standards). Turning my fear into gratitude I believe was the game changer, and ignoring the stigmas of climbing (unfortunately there are so many). Climbing is supposed to be challenge to ones self, and fun. Not competition against others, nor the proving grounds of social acceptance. All things I thought I knew, until this last week. 

Thank you all for your responses, I did read them in depth just before I left. I appreciate your anecdotes and wisdom, and encourage you to share more!

Thanks!!

Hank Mardukaswrote:

I would be interested to hear more about your ski accident and how your recovery has been going. I also had a ski accident in March and broke my L1 (burst/compression fracture). I started running/jogging again in July and have just started to top rope again. I don't have an exact answer for you and have also been feeling the same way, though I have also not tried to lead anything yet. One thing I try to keep remembering is that it really hasn't been very long since the accident. I am not expecting to be fully recovered until over a year out from reading other people's experiences with a similar injury. I still have moderate pain/soreness in my lower back after any strenuous workouts. I have been really working on a calisthenics routine along with lots of yoga and stretching which has made noticeable differences. The rock warriors way is a great book and I think you will get some good value out of it. All this being said, I think it will come back in time. Enjoy the black canyon, an awesome area!!

Hank,

In March I back-slapped from 40ft at Crystal Mountain, WA. Flail chest, 6 shattered ribs, 4 broken vertebrae, a popped lung with a concerning amount of internal bleeding. I was airlifted to Tacoma hospital where I had a 6 hr surgery removing all the blood and fluid from my chest cavity and tying all my rib pieces together with 3 titanium plates. I went from being told that I'll never be able to breath functionally doing physical activities or anything at high altitudes, to discussing how to get back to doing the actives I like to do by the next winter, to actually rock and raft guiding by the end of July! Side note, I actually have never been more happy in my life. Every time I see the doctors they are amazed. The appreciation of being alive and getting to spend more time on this earth is the greatest painkiller. 

I wish you quick healing from your injury! Two weeks ago I got to meet my hero, legendary freeride snowboarder Jeremy Jones, and he told 'Never waste an injury'. It is a time to slow down, do other things we are always too busy for, and sit back and see the greatness in the world we often miss. I will certainly say I'm never going to be glad I had the crash, but I will never regret the new mindset I discovered existing in an injured state.

Nice, congrats and thanks for the update! Lovely to hear that you are working through this and seeing success.