It's painful to write this....

So sorry for your loss, Helen. Even in a time of difficulty you are looking out for others. Thank you for sharing.

im very sorry for your loss helen. i always look forward to your posts. city of rocks is on my tick list and one of my hopes was that id run into you :) you matter in this community. i am a sober alcoholic and drug addict for many years and wanted to thank you for your post. we never know who we might help when we share from the heart. i am very sorry your husband did not find the gift of sobriety.  i wish you peace on your journey. -neil

My condolences, H.  I can’t imagine being apart from someone after so long, even with its complications.  Know that we’re here for you for whatever you need, whether it’s a soft catch, a shoulder to cry on, or (the forum’s specialty) a deep burn.

So sorry.  Hope you stay strong and work through the long and consuming grief.

My very best wishes,  Roy

All? A fellow MPer asked me to post this story. It's pretty powerful. We were discussing how strength is borrowed from others. This person has "loaned" me strength, we both know the value, and pleasure, of paying it forward. The story:

"I'd like to say I feel you, but that would be a lie. While I've lost some people who were pretty close to me, I have yet to lose someone so close as a significant other. But on a smaller scale, I feel you and your husband.

When I was a teenager, I struggled with a behavioral addiction, a computer game. Combined with the best highs of mania, that computer game gave me the most pleasure I have ever experienced in my life, and there was nothing else in the world I'd rather do than play that game.  When I was grounded, I would have dreams about it and would go to incredible lengths to play the game, staying up all night so I could steal my brother's computer to play it. One time I even used my brother's money to pay for it, and ended up hurting his credit after the charge bounced. At the time, I was in an incredibly severe depression physiologically, but I honestly didn't feel sad, depressed or anything. In fact, when I was playing, I really felt very happy. I now recognize that as flat affect, a very common manifestation of depression but at the time, if someone would have told me I was depressed I would have just laughed at them because they were crazy.

After going to school, and being free from that life for 7 years, I started having urges to go back to that life this past fall. I know it wouldn't be good for me, and I am so intensely afraid of what might happen so I've made it this far without giving in. I'd like to think that I'm healthy enough now to be able to not allow it to consume my life, that I would prioritize climbing and the outdoors over it and only use it in the winter when I stay inside. But I am far too scared of what might happen to find out. Still, the urge never goes away completely.

I can only imagine how much more difficult chemical addiction is than a behavioral addiction, with the very real symptoms of withdrawal. God knows it's hard enough for me to resist urges alone, but to imagine resisting those urges while dealing with withdrawal on top of it... it seems impossible. I'm sure I would probably cave the minute I started vomiting or feeling nausea. It is amazing, inspiring, and humbling to know that many manage to stay sober and/or clean despite the seemingly insurmountable struggle of chemical addiction. At the same time, I feel for those who are less successful because I know I would be one of them if it came down to it. Those, like your husband, who manage to continue the struggle despite falling off the wagon time and time again amaze me with their strength and will, carrying such a heavy burden and still fighting back so hard against addiction.

I can only imagine how difficult it must have been to stick by him as he struggled. I commend you for that, and I hope that may soon feel some relief from that burden. He was strong. You are strong. Know that, and know that you will get through this, resilient as ever, even if the wounds never fully heal."

You people are so awesome.

Best, Helen

My condolences on your husbands passing, and thank you for sharing such a nice note. I always enjoy reading your posts on here as you bring a healthy and unique perspective. Wishing you find happiness and comfort on the other side of this whole thing. Cheers ~ Cort 

OLH..... continue on your path. Let the climbing show you light, enjoy the sun and the view.

Peace 

All? I posted this photo elsewhere, but it is very fitting to post as an end note here. Sorry I forgot to do so earlier.

4/18, I came home and was greeted by this, on my front porch. I have zero idea who in my circle of climber friends did this, as almost no one has been to my house (the circumstances in the OP imploded my world as well as my husband's). Everyone I asked says "wasn't me!", but all agree it was a pretty extraordinary act of kindness. My thanks were posted right away, locally, to my anonymous benefactor!

"Brotherhood of the rope", indeed.

Best, Helen

I'm so sorry for your loss, Helen.

You sound like a wonderful, patient and loving person. I'm so sorry for your pain, and wish you peace and happiness. Thank you for sharing.

Really sorry for your loss, Helen. And I don't mean only the loss of your spouse. Glad you are reclaiming your life. Funny how I too started climbing exactly five years ago and while I have been lucky enough to not face the same demons you have, indeed all of us have our own demons nonetheless and are fighting our own battles. And if you want to know more, I'll take a photo of my yard sign tomorrow (when it's light outside) and will post here and you'll know why I did that when you just take a look at it. Meanwhile, hang in there, grieve and focus on positive things that were in your life... Hugs - Leliko

My sincere condolences on the passing of Dave, Helen.

Thank you for your being open in sharing the struggles he, and you, faced.

::HUGS::

I'm sorry for your loss.

Helen, my (somewhat belated) condolences.  I'm sure you did your best for him and for yourself.  I hope that gives you a sense of peace.

Thank you, all. It's very sobering (the right word) to see how many people have read that first post. To those of you who are fighting battles? This thread was intended for you.​ Specifically, exactly, the wonderful, unique, irreplaceable you. ​No matter what your burdens and struggles are.

And? It is intended for those who love you. Yeah, lots of us love you.

For those of you not in the battle? Well.....it's not far removed from you. Be kind.
............

In sorting through papers, I am coming across lots of really lovely things. I found this, in his handwriting, carefully tucked away:

"For the first time since I was very young, and now that I have become old, there is magic in my days, and these days have become so very, very precious. 
not quite 66"

​What changed only a scant 3 years ago?

Me.

I came fully into climbing, fully alive, and was no longer "happy" with living a safe, dulled down, unhappy, life.

For the first time, the alcoholism was truly acknowledged and confronted. He had some huge drunks, I won't sugar coat, it's way worse as you age, but, he also had some sober stretches, and had finally come to realize that "booze brain" was not the entirety of who he was. We talked.

Ultimately, he was not able to surmount this, and unwilling to seek the level of help he needed to do so. But he had found a person he had lost touch with a long time ago.
..........

To those of you who wrote to tell me of your weeks, months, years, of sobriety? Bravo! I, for one, am very, very, proud of you.

As of today? So too, I'm guessing, are the 300+ who "approved" the first post.

You are not remotely alone in this. Any more than I am.

Best, Helen

So sorry for your loss, OLH.  I always enjoy your posts.Your spirit and heart come through loud and clear.  

This is from Lin Manuel Miranda's book G'morning, G'night, Little Pep Talks for Me and You:
"Gnight. YOU ARE SO LOVED AND WE LIKE HAVING YOU AROUND. *ties one end of this sentence to your heart, the other end to everyone who loves you in this life, even if clouds obscure your view* *checks knots* THERE. STAY PUT, YOU. TUG IF YOU NEED ANYTHING."
Thought it was appropriate.
-

September 1 marks six months out from Dave's death. I spent the long weekend at City of Rocks, having a great time with friends old and new. That included rather a big swath of people from Mountain Project.

So? A bump. This thread, and a sort of companion to it, Steve Price's Everyone you meet thread. Because we all face shit in our lives at various times, and, sometimes, hide it all too well. Whatever it is you are going through? People care. More than you will ever know.

Even if we never meet face-to-face.

You are my family now, the lot of you.

Love, Helen

Helen, your strength is inspiring.
I was told by a mutual friend a few days ago Steve was nearing the end of his battle. I am guessing you know that?

Thanks for your participation here, Andy

I'm not much of an MP kinda person these days...but "once in awhile you get shown the light in the strangest of places if you look at it right"....and this thread, along with Steve's, resonate with (in?) me on a regular basis.  Thanks for sharing, OLH, and thanks be to Steve for the reminder to stay human.  Be well, check your knot, and climb on!

A bump, as a gift to anyone who needs to know they are loved. Holidays are not always cheery, but you are never alone, and people truly do care, no matter how it may look right now.

Hugs from afar, Helen