Shit Show! Your stories here

Not sure if this title and/or thread will get the permabanz, but I'm actually not sure if this discussion topic has come up on any of the climbing forums I've frequented over the past decade or so.

So post up, all of your shitty climbing stories! Diarrhea attacks at a hanging belay in Potrero after eating the Carne Asada? Forced squats on wide open glaciers? Stepping in Euro-piles with tissue flowers at the Red?

Here's my best one:

I was bailing after a total gumby epic in Yosemite. Not going to say the route. I was at a semi-hanging belay about five pitches off the ground. My partner lowered the pig down to me, when all of the sudden it caught onto a microledge, tipped over, and then fell to shockload the rope. Somehow, when this happened, the poop tube's biner unclipped, and I saw it plummeting straight down toward me.

Time slowed to a matrix-like crawl. I screamed. The tube hit a ledge and shattered. Brown shitbags exploded everywhere, and I recall some whizzing by me at what seemed like terminal velocity. I could see off to both sides that some of the bags were hitting slabs, and leaving brown streaks up to 20 feet in length.

Finally, it was over. I was unscathed; none had hit me (and if any had, I probably would not tell the internets about it). My partner, out of sight and above, had no idea what had happened. He had only heard what sounded like a rockfall, followed by hysterical screaming, and then maniacal laughing.

We cleaned up what we could (which was not very much), and continued to bail, heading back to Camp 4 with our tails between our legs, and spoke not a word of the traumatic event.

This one time... I went down to San Diego to climb at Woodson with some friends. This guy Dr. Paul showed up - some yokel from Ohio who claims to be a legend in Texas. I spent the rest of the day with towel in hand trying to dry off the holds as Dr. Paul sprayed them down. At the end of the day we all went down the street to Stone Brewery to put back some tasty brews. Dr. Paul flaked... well, that part was actually cool. The rest of it was miserable.

http://mountainproject.com/v/trip_reports/eldorado_canyon_the_gambit_south_dakotan_ledge_poopers/106867575#a_106867747

this one as a result of the last one, i'd imagine...
mountainproject.com/v/color…

http://mountainproject.com/v/general_climbing/pooping_off_the_deck/106324023#a_106324262

mountainproject.com/v/color…

mountainproject.com/v/gener…

just to name a few... i got tired of looking them up, so i'll end here

I had a bout of explosive diarrhea on the summit of Alpamayo. I had eaten eggs before setting off, and couldn't remember the Spanish word for scrambled, and got them over-easy. I was spewing the entire hike up, but held it together for the day of the climb...until I got to the summit.

Ryan Kelly wrote:This one time... I went down to San Diego to climb at Woodson with some friends. This guy Dr. Paul showed up - some yokel from Ohio who claims to be a legend in Texas. I spent the rest of the day with towel in hand trying to dry off the holds as Dr. Paul sprayed them down. At the end of the day we all went down the street to Stone Brewery to put back some tasty brews. Dr. Paul flaked... well, that part was actually cool. The rest of it was miserable.

Still trying to figure out why Dr. Paul did not go to Stone with you guys...

rattling some hardened milk-duds out of my pant leg and down upon my belayer on space-shot comes to mind- sorry andy!

JLP, that is one of the funniest stories I have ever read!!!! Thanks for sharing.

think I shit myself laughing

And THAT is why I get up an hour early for every climb/ski day...no rolling out of bed for me!!

Thanks JLP, that absolutely made my day!

Also from rec.climbing's Bob Harrington:

I was having a nice session this evening, doing a circuit, working a few, musing and analogizing between bouldering, love, chess, etc. Found a key and solved a mystery or two to some problems I've been working. Stayed late.

Nice sunset, and only two other people bouldering in the Buttermilk. Chatted with one of them, but bouldered by myself. Shrubs are blooming, plus, they bladed the road.

So I'm heading home, when it is revealed to me that my dog (Angus) had spent the session happily and successfully hunting down, digging up, and devouring human feces. He revealed this by retching on the front seat and floor of my truck. I gagged, stopped the Chevy and started to get out, but before I could I administer a solid beating to the literal son of a bitch, he ate the vomit and bolted out the door.

The stench was unbelieveable -- dog bile and semidigested excrement -- the whole being substantially greater than the sum of its parts. Fast ride home, head out the window, dog in the back. I am presently consumed with the fear that he will later re-regurgitate the mess tonight in this very spot where I now sit reading rec.climbing.

Bob Harrington

A few summers ago me and my buddy decided to do a link up of Liberty Bell, Concord, Lexington, North and south early winter spires, in the north cascades in a day. We set off from ashford when we got down from a trip on rainier, pounding a burger and possibly a few beers before we left. We stopped by winco foods and grabbed a couple big ass hoagies and some gummy worms or something. We also stopped along the way multiple times for some coffee. We made it to the the at around 4 AM and decided it would be best if we just didn't sleep. So we were off, and on top of liberty bell by around 530, doing block leads and feeling good. By the time we made it to north early winter it was my friend's block, and off he went up the first pitch a little sluggishly, saying he felt a bit weird. Up at the belay he insisted he could no longer lead, and I should give it a shot, which I wasn't particularly happy about, because it was some scary off-width smearing adventure, and after all, it wasn't my block. So off I went, tired and cruxing through the off-width, when I heard him say, I gotta go! and before I knew it, he had his pants down and he was blasting into the crack underneath him, so I pushed upward, falling onto a chicken wing and dislocating my shoulder. We decided it was probably time to bail. While going down we passed some guys who said nothing and didnt look at us, and finally exclaimed, "Hey, did you guys shit on the route?" and we replied, "NO, of course not," and they said, "well it was still warm!" Not knowing what to say or how they knew this bit of information, we told them it was the russians ahead of us, and proceeded bailing.

One of my partners left a solitary, steaming monster (odd enough, since it was a warm day) on the neighborhood sign by the Churchill Boulders in Estes Park a few days after the developer buried the first 9 feet of the rock's N/NW face under fill dirt. Protest turd.

my best "shit show" was in castle valley. My best climbing partner and I were climbing Fine Jade. At the last pitch it started blowing like none other, I somehow managed to get it together enough to get the last sport pitch on lead in 30+ mph winds. we chilled on top for a while and then began the descent. got several pitches down then the ropes stuck. we tried everything to get them off, ended up tying an overhand on a bite and locking it to some rings, the end of one rope reached the ground with 5ft to spare, we had to leave two sixty meter ropes on it, could see them reaching 2/3rds the way up. left notes all over moab offering a 100$ reward, nobody ever contacted us. I know one of you guys bootied them ;) good work

http://www.vimeo.com/13831211

Don't miss this one