Eagle Rock Closure Violation

To the two idiots that climbed on Eagle Rock last week:

A wildlife biologist friend of mine once watched two adult golden eagles chase a full grown mule deer off a cliff, tumbling to its death. That could happen to you if you climb on Eagle Rock when the crag is closed for eagle nesting. If you climb on Eagle Rock while the crag is closed, you might end up killing young eagles due to exposure to cold, sun, or predators. Killing young eagles puts a curse on your house. If you climb on Eagle Rock while the crag is closed for eagle nesting, land managers might lose trust in the climbing community and no longer reopen the remaining crags in the territory. This trust has taken many people many years to establish. If you are identified by hidden cameras, climbing on Eagle Rock when the crag is closed for eagle nesting, you will be reported to the local rangers who can opt to fine you tens of thousands of dollars. You could show up at the local ranger station to pay your fine tarred and feathered by your fellow climbers.

Do you need more reasons to not climb on Eagle Rock during climbing closures?

Imperial Rebuke Issued by High Lord Aurion, the Majestic Golden Eagle, Ruler of the Celestial Heights

To the insolent bipeds who dared trespass upon my sacred cliffs:

It has come to my supreme attention that two climbers—whose names I do not know but whose scent now lingers bitterly upon the wind—have brazenly violated the sacred bounds of an officially declared eagle closure. Let there be no misunderstanding: this was not merely an oversight. This was an act of heresy against the sanctity of my nesting grounds and a direct affront to the sovereignty of my celestial throne.

Do you mistake the closure signs for suggestions? Decorative talismans of some quaint bureaucratic origin? Let me assure you: when a territory is marked with my decree, it is not a request. It is law. Law carved into stone, written into wind, and enforced by talon and fury.

Be advised, trespassers:

1. You have disturbed the royal household. My chicks, noble heirs to the thermals and sky-thrones, were unsettled mid-meal by your clamorous folly.

2. You have insulted my rule. Your presence has defiled hallowed ground reserved for the rites of skyborn succession.

This is your only warning. The next climber who dares breach my closure may find themselves gently lifted from the crag—then promptly dropped from an altitude that makes apologies irrelevant.

And if this blasphemy continues, I will resume eating Chihuahuas.

Let this message ride the mountain winds and settle in your feeble minds. You are guests in my realm. Behave accordingly, or be plucked from it.

High Lord Aurion, the Majestic Golden Eagle, Ruler of the Celestial Heights
Protector of the Peaks, Winged Judge of the Foolish, and Ever-Watchful Lord of the Nest

Eat a chihuahua belonging to a South Boulder white woman and see how long your protections last, my lord.