What is your climbing conspiracy theory?

Inspired by Charlie S's thread titled "Conspiracy theory: Calico Basin break-ins are being done by residents", I thought there is room to expand this line of thinking.   So, what is your weird climbing conspiracy theory?

(A futile request: please keep it lighthearted and fun. If this gets too dark I'll shut it down).

Based on my inability to reach the anchors from what is clearly the last stance, it's obvious to me that most lines around here were bolted by basketball players bitd. Or velociraptors. 

Nevermind I'm 4'11".

It's also quite possible the Black Cliffs, Boise,  routes were all manufactured by artillery fire. This is supported by actual targets painted on the cliffs.

H.

Climbing gyms are trying to shoot the moon on climbing access.

Have you ever noticed that every climbing gym has a gym-to-crag class? On its face this makes no sense, gyms operate on a pay-to-climb subscription model, and yet are teaching their customer base how to have a better climbing experience without the gym fees. If it were as simple as this, they'd be cannibalizing their future profit for essentially no gain.

Instead, it's pretty clear that big climbing has orchestrated a near universal conspiracy amongst gym owners of America to flood crags with under trained, over stoked gym folk. This is a targeted attack against American climbing access all across the county. Big climbing knows that under sensible use from committed and conscience climbers, rock climbing could exist sustainably indefinitely, which is itself an existential threat to the climbing gym. By contrast, if the gyms are able to funnel even a small portion of their members to local cliffs, with their bluetooth speakers and hammocks, they can continually plague local areas with access issues if not complete closure. We are just now starting see the earliest effects of this strategy roll in from Red Rock's scenic loop registration nightmare, to Yosemite's new big walling permit. But this is far from over. In a decade's time the issues affecting crags will be even more severe, climbing gyms will be even more prolific, and the silent war against rock climbing will be all but won. The end-game here is a national political and social environment that has lost its appetite for outdoor recreation, and accepts only gyms as a legitimate form of recreation.

The CIA is using rope soloing as a psyop social experiment to infiltrate climbing and take us down from the inside. 

PEDs are widespread in elite climbing. Probably at the sprinter van level as well. 

Chuffy Chaserwrote:

Climbing gyms are trying to shoot the moon on climbing access.

Naw, it's MP that is trying to shoot the moon on climbing access

87 milliion reason$ why

Behold your future, monkeys. OnX will supplant Booze Allen on the next reservation contract, in part by using venture capital to pay off key insiders in the Dept. of the Interior. Don't worry, Booze Allen gets a huge Saudi contract in return. Then OnX will own the wastelands, from map and route, reservation to campsite. A gold membership gets to the route of your choice 4-weeks faster than Economy Class, But Platinum gets you route of your choice on the day of your choice. Rounded up for inflation, Platinum starts at $10k a year.

The "bees!" sign on Laurel is/was just a conspiracy of rangers to keep the climb open for themselves.

Tradiban is jcm.

Always been fascinated by the story of the Yosemite plane crash that was potentially bootied by the local climbers of the day. Would love to see a movie or series about it, even if they Hollywood it up and have John Bachar free soloing away from mafia guys, Dean Potter orchestrating a mid air skydiving exchange etc..

Bouldering gives you lots of micro concussions. A lot of climbers are going to end up with CTE.

Petzl has a completely tested and working LRS device they can release at a pricepoint of ~$100 but they just don't want to.

tobias bundlewrote:

PEDs are widespread in elite climbing.

That's not a conspiracy theory if you look at alpinism and consider various amphetamines taken or even diamox and friends. Not to mention supp. O2.

The concept of micro fractures is pushed by BD/Petzl/etc to get you to buy more carabiners. Same goes for retirement ages assigned to soft goods. A rope with a core shot is fine as long as you don’t weight it. 

Kevin Jorgeson did not free the dawn wall. In the film when he did the dyno I 100% saw the rope go tight and prevent him from swinging off the landing jug. This is a hill I will die on Kevin! 

Nick Herdegwrote:

Always been fascinated by the story of the Yosemite plane crash that was potentially bootied by the local climbers of the day. Would love to see a movie or series about it, even if they Hollywood it up and have John Bachar free soloing away from mafia guys, Dean Potter orchestrating a mid air skydiving exchange etc..

The movie you want has indeed been made and was very much punched up by Hollywood. It’s called cliffhanger. Be careful what you wish for

Petzl is deliberately making their mid-range harnesses shittier than they used to to sell more high end top dollar models.   See the older model Adjamas or Hirundos.

Nun Yawrote:

The movie you want has indeed been made and was very much punched up by Hollywood. It’s called cliffhanger. Be careful what you wish for

Cliffhanger was comedy gold for anyone with the slightest understanding of rock climbing.

Skinny ropes trying to take us big guys out.

Bring back the 10.5 as standard fare!

mark felberwrote:

Cliffhanger was comedy gold for anyone with the slightest understanding of rock climbing.

That stunt in the opening scene of transferring between planes was so totally next level incredible I'll fight anyone. Dark Night Rises just beat for beat STOLE that shit. 

IFSC still has gendered routes, cuz the dudes would be crying otherwise