Struggles

So lately I've really been struggling with my identity, and whether or not I can even still call myself a climber; let alone a wall climber.

When I look at my own resume, it's easy for me to want to say, "yes, you are a climber and El Cap is your playground." Multiple El Cap ascents, many seasons in the Valley including a season on the SAR site and a lot of time playing on rock; all which kept me super inspired and in pretty descent shape at one time in my life.  

Fast forward three years and I'm in my career, married, a house, 2 cats and a dog.  My memories of all the places I've been and experiences I've had constantly infiltrate my daily focus, yet they feel as if they are a movie of someone else's life.

All was fine until the last time I went to Yosemite. I left the SAR site in November 2018, went to flight school and began working 1 year later, climbing all throughout.  When I left, I felt that I had a true community, a family.  It had been 2 1/2 since I last saw her before I stumbled back into the SAR site, yet, I felt unwanted for lack of a better term.  The Valley itself which I love so dearly, brought back an all-to-familiar loneliness which most of us I'm sure felt when we showed up there early-on.  That was really surprising to me, but maybe it's all part of the experience?

I spent 2 weeks there last October, and not even once even climbed ON El Cap.  I felt that all my old climbing partners had moved on, and that I had been left behind to climb with people who had only started climbing even after I'd left.  I could barely even be with old friends, sometimes just getting a hug from people I hadn't seen in years before they race off again, no catching up.  It hurt.

I don't really know where I'm going with this or why I'm posting it.  But it's 1am, and all I can think about as I'm laying here is climbing.  I still love it above all else, and am still driven by the inspiration climbing gives me.  I just don't get where it changed.  I don't get when or where I fell out of my community and apparently became such a NARP.  

Is there something I'm missing?  Is there something I do/have done?  I can't be alone in feeling this way.

Thanks for reading if anyone read this.

You're missing children! 

https://www.mountainproject.com/forum/topic/121802536/some-climbers-and-their-kids

I feel you brother. 

https://youtu.be/dU2S6qIrB7E

Don't worry, the fire still burns.

Much love.

I was talking to a dear friend about how her caving community has changed now that she moved back to Tennessee. It's no longer as welcoming to her, and some of the people she knew are now just bragging among themselves about the caves they have been to, and of course you weren't invited. A sort of ego trip flexing thing. Then others still have just stopped doing things altogether.

Since you are a part of that community, you can reinvigorate it if you want to put in the effort. You need not have a big route planned next week. Just show up with some breakfast tacos in camp for random noobs and old friends alike. You might find old friends and new are feeling the same way you do right now. 

Not comparing or equating my experiences to yours, so here it goes

I lived close enough to day climb in Yosemite, for many years. During those years I got after it, doing the routes I wanted to do, getting better, going bigger. All seasons, all weather, every weekend and week days too. Did my big walls. Did the grade Vs. Meanwhile I lived a double life in the workaday world. It was not a well integrated existence, my two halves did not mix well. I never talked about climbing at work. Got married had kids traveled for work yada yada, but still Yosemite was my home ground, the default "what are we going to do this weekend?"

But I needed to relocate somewhat for better work opportunity and conditions, not all that much but enough that day climbing in Yosemite, while still possible, wasn't nearly as quickie as it once was. Plus, I had really done most of the routes I was interested in that were also in the bell curve of my abilities and I never was all that willing to train up for the next big jump in level. My attentions began to focus elsewhere.

Thus my Yosemite years shifted to my Sierra years. Other places became my defaults, shorter routes of course, but less crowded, way less crowded. But to be fair the Hordes of Yosemite were never that big a deal to me, I just stayed away at the very busiest times or drive through the gate at 5 AM, and left again well after dark.

Anyway, years rolled by, and then a couple of decades. Still climbed in Yosemite but only rarely, and then only to repeat the dance with an old lover, as it were. Still love it, was in the park climbing about a month ago, them cracks are still the same. The bay trees still host the ants. Yosemite has not changed - I changed, my partners changed. 

I will never go back to my Yosemite of the 90s. I can't even move in that general direction, that's not how life works. I can only move forward. Maybe its the gift of a sociopath I don't know but I rarely spend time looking back, reminiscing, thinking of those days. I sort of avoid thinking like that. Rather, I focus on the climbing and adventures in front of me and the ones next week and next month. 

But one thing I managed to do is stick with my primary Yosemite climbing partner all these years. We still climb together. While its just one person and the two of us are no community, we are brothers of the stone to this very day. That helps a lot.

Just one data point my friend.

I was married to a woman completely unsympathetic to my caving, climbing and fishing pursuits.  I call that period the Dark Years.  I got up El Cap once.  Then my post-divorce renaissance began, and I got up El Cap an additional 65 times. I know how it feels to want to be there, but not to be able.

Nothing in life and community remains unchanged, not even my mistress El Cap herself - she is always shedding extra layers.  She spared me back in 2017 when 30,000 cubic meters of falling rock missed me by around 30m. 

Don't look for your community in the SAR site.  Instead, come out to the Centre of the Universe - El Cap Bridge and El Cap Meadow.  Look for us monkeys sitting near the tree doing the El Cap Lieback. Bring some beers, hang out.  You will be welcomed.

But most importantly - go big wall climbing!  Go climb El Cap!  Find yourself a partner, or go solo the bloody thing if you like.  Just climb it, and you'll feel better.  Make this your plan, set a date, make the Big Announcement right here that you are going to climb it, and then put all your effort into making it happen. 

Tradibanwrote:

You're missing children! 

https://www.mountainproject.com/forum/topic/121802536/some-climbers-and-their-kids

Hahaha I guess I have no room to complain.  It's all a choice, right?

I say that I’ve had three climbing careers. My original in the 70’s. My sport climbing career in the 90’s and my current career which started in 2009.
I was a total Valley local in the 70’s but then quit climbing, moved to Oregon, got married, started a business and had a child. 30 years later I realized that I simply wanted to climb El Cap again. Sure, my old crowd is gone but I found a new crowd, some of whom are now among my best friends. It’s different but then so am I. I still love it with every bone in my body. Don’t try to replicate what you had, go there as you are right now today and see it with new eyes and I’ll bet you will have a new and fulfilling experience. 

I appreciate all of these stories, everyone.  Really.  I hope I can see you all there real soon at the center of the Universe.

Your life is made up of the things you do, every day; it isn't defined by what other people do in their own lives. 

What do you want your life to be?

Totally feel you. Had a heyday back in JTree a decade ago. Then moved to Oregon for 6 years and became disenchanted - still climbed, but nothing felt familiar. Long time climbing partners with deep relationships gave way to inconsistent partners made up of nomadic young people.

The world changed, climbing culture changed, and I changed in a different way. Climbing felt hollow, though I went through the motions.

Recently moved 90 mins from Yosemite. The spark is muted, but slowly returning.

As others have recommended, I’m trying to focus on the world and myself as it is now — though it can be tough to let go of the high times of the past.

Hang tough brother…keep pushing and adapting. I suspect growth lies within the struggle.

Valley burnout and identity crisis is a real thing… been going through this myself,  spent basically everyday in the valley this past august - October and didn’t even send one wall!! I effing bailed on the column and felt like a total disappointment to myself… was caught up in this ego-identity thing of what I fee was expected of me,  not what I wanted to actually do.  Ended up spending the 3 months climbing every hard Boulder I could (I’ve never devoted that much time to bouldering…. Im not a Boulderer… or maybe I am?!).  By November,  I felt super inspired to try hard again.  It felt like a new identity.  Now I’m skiing everyday and just praying we hit 400” this year and can ski until July!

I’m the last person to give good advice, but this quote always inspires me….in the words of the late Tom Petty - “Dreams fade Hope dies hard”

passions change but the route we take to get here makes us who we are.  Life is cyclic,  it all comes back around…. eventually.

PS I know you but you don’t know me,  I remember you and I chatted under The Prow when you were rescuing some dudes who rapped the wrong line.  You called my group crazy for hauling on the route and going a day ascent (we were practicing our hauling technique as a group of 3)

Hope to see you in the valley this spring!

good post with some great responses. 

fwiw, it's my opinion that going forward should include goals. both familiar and unfamiliar.

an example of an unfamiliar goal may be climbing water ice or alpine? New experiences and adventures can unfold new passions you never knew existed.

for me, it was an adventure into an unknown backcountry cirque with unlimited possibilities. picking out a virgin line and going for it was nothing less than profound. i had no idea the depth and personal expression in such an experience. so many feelings from each end of the emotional spectrum has me 'jonesing' for more! this all came to me late in my climbing career. and i am so grateful for this too! as it has motivated me to keep active and focused on many more years of climbing. with or without a partner.

the beauty of climbing is that it has many different forms. WI, Alpine, Mountaineering, sport (which is neither btw...), bouldering, aid, trad, etc...etc. Each discipline has enough potential depth that focusing on just one discipline long enough to maximize the experience requires a descent amount of time. Enough time to meet new people and make new friends along the way.

jcs

Ben Podborskiwrote:

Your life is made up of the things you do, every day; it isn't defined by what other people do in their own lives. 

What do you want your life to be?

I want my life to be fun and full of people who are as excited to see me as I am to see them, I guess.  

S Saunderswrote:

Totally feel you. Had a heyday back in JTree a decade ago. Then moved to Oregon for 6 years and became disenchanted - still climbed, but nothing felt familiar. Long time climbing partners with deep relationships gave way to inconsistent partners made up of nomadic young people.

The world changed, climbing culture changed, and I changed in a different way. Climbing felt hollow, though I went through the motions.

Recently moved 90 mins from Yosemite. The spark is muted, but slowly returning.

As others have recommended, I’m trying to focus on the world and myself as it is now — though it can be tough to let go of the high times of the past.

Hang tough brother…keep pushing and adapting. I suspect growth lies within the struggle.

I promise I read the whole thing and very much appreciate your words, but I also want you to know that I live in Modesto.  Let's climb that we're on the subject!

MisterCattell Cattellwrote:

I want my life to be fun and full of people who are as excited to see me as I am to see them, I guess.  

You will have this again. You just need to find new regulars. You move away, and your steady partners find new steady partners that they need to put first. That's how it goes in this sport where each climbing day is precious and reliability is gold. So you find new regulars and you put them first. They are out there, and they will be excited to see you.  

Patrick Mwrote:

PS I know you but you don’t know me,  I remember you and I chatted under The Prow when you were rescuing some dudes who rapped the wrong line.  You called my group crazy for hauling on the route and going a day ascent (we were practicing our hauling technique as a group of 3)

Woah no way!  I am trying really hard to remember this but I do not and I am very sorry for that.  

Brandon Adamswrote:

I feel you brother. 

https://youtu.be/dU2S6qIrB7E

Don't worry, the fire still burns.

Much love.

I think Brandon summed it up perfectly. Probably the best descriptive lyrics for mortality, and how changes affect the climbing lifestyle. 

It comes and goes in waves for some. Without going into great personal detail, both my life and body went through quite drastic transformations in the last 5 years of my life. Transformations that did not allow me to climb, or ski backcountry/mountaineering. I didn’t touch stone for two years. It had a major impact on my soul.

That all changed last October for me. I haven’t had an adult beverage for 3 months, I’ve lost 30 lbs, and I’ve set goals. Climbing goals. I’m planning a Bugaboo trip for August (short term), and I’d like to complete The Nose before I’m 50. I have a few years.

Along the way, I have met some really awesome new climbing partners, and the cycle has had a rebirth. All it took for me was just getting out there again, while also keeping connected with all of my family/friends and partners, old and new.

Also, I’d like to personally thank Mark Hudon for all of his instruction on all things big wall. I’m buying gear, reading, and practicing techniques. I’m listening, and trying to apply.

MisterCattell, you’ll hopefully go through the same kind of transformative process that I have. Keep an open mind, and set the goals, big or small. You are by no means the only one 

MisterCattell Cattellwrote:

I want my life to be fun and full of people who are as excited to see me as I am to see them, I guess.  

It’s nobodies job to make you happy, it’s not your wife’s job, it’s not your girlfriend’s, job it’s not your kids’ job, it’s not your friends’ job. It’s completely up to you.

That, and nothing ever stays the same, everything is always changing.

If you’re missing climbing, missing  Yosemite, Go back to Yosemite and open a new chapter in your life.

I always felt the “Center of the Universe” was always changing - leave for a few weeks in the mountains, come back and things are different - leave for a few years and forget it.  Lasting relationships in the real world are different - people go to the Valley to avoid the realities of them, IMO.  It’s also a very young and immature scene - a phase to go through - not a healthy or growth oriented thing to remain stuck in.  Remember it and move on.

Well ... I don't have a problem with "immature", but "very young"?!  Bwah ha ha ha ha! 

Lots of us old farts are still sending!