Poems to Complain About Crags

A thread to voice your complaints about whatever crag you like, but it must be in poem form.  

To start, a few haiku:

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Seven thousand routes

Two hundred are worth doing

Its something, I guess?

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Happies Thanksgiving

Twenty bros under The Hulk

Cars line Chalk Bluff Road

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Hot or raining: choose

Grim conditions at Index

Pray for dry winter

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Other formats welcome too. Limericks anyone? "There aren't any crags in Nantucket..."

Gym-like crowds abound

Overgraded moderates 

Littered with goat poop

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Even if you haven’t been, you can probably guess where I wrote this about

Drills have gone silent

Comfy holds filled with Sika

So trashy our wars 

Not temps at jailhouse 

I feel my knee pad slipping 

Call ‘take’ yet again 

Gastocling! Kneebar!

Spray echoes though the canyon

Still can't send The Beast

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Yosemite walls

Get in line, get a permit

Freedom of the hills?

Wandering crack climbing freak

Went down to Indian Creek

Refused to wear tape

Scrape scrape scrape scrape scrape

Now sit and grow skin for a week

Ode to sandrock, AL

I’ve only been a few times

I love all of these climbs

But why do you 

Have to bring a dog

Ode to sandrock, AL

I’ve only been a few times

I love all of these climbs

But why do you 

Have to bring a dog

Hanging on a layback flake
Watching my friends take
All those sport climbers covered in chalk
Shiny new cam slings
How many should I bring?
Watch those pieces, they’re beginning to walk

I’m on belay again in desert Splitterville
Meeting my partner at Donnelly Wall
Some people claim that there’s an offwidth to blame
But I know it’s nobody’s fault. 

Don't know the reason
Stayed here all season
Nothing to show but this Metolius blue
But it's a real beauty
I got it as booty
How it got here I haven't a clue

Placing a grey again in desert splitterville
Searching for my lost satchel of chalk
Some people claim that David Bloom is to blame
Now I think hell it could be my fault

Hikin’ in flip-flops
I tripped on a tube chock
Broke my big toe, had to cruise on back home
But come November
Creeksgiving together
That C4 rubber will help me hang on

Topropin’ Way Rambo again in desert Splitterville
Chasing the shade at Reservoir Wall
Some people claim that there’s an offwidth to blame
But I know it's my own damn fault

Yes and some people claim that David Bloom is to blame
And I know it's my own damn fault

Weekend at Vantage

"I mostly climb at Index"

Ok that's cool bro

Now... if this was poems to complain about gym climbers... I could totally hook you up. ;)

Maidy Vasquezwrote:

Now... if this was poems to complain about gym climbers... I could totally hook you up. ;)

Do it!

JCMwrote:

Weekend at Vantage

"I mostly climb at Index"

Ok that's cool bro

Straight up truth

Complaint poem from my LA days... been a long time since I've been a gym at this point 

Ode to Gym Rat Flunkies.

Oh you gym rat flunkies-
you flunkies I abhor.

You say you want to leave your gym.
It's padded walls are closing in.
To climb on nature's rock one day
would be so cool- oh Maid please say,
you'll take us out oh please oh please
and cure us of this gym disease.

Your excitement seems sincere
until it's time to buy some gear.
Or to commit to time or place
to feel the sun upon your face.
And then the ones who make the call
They show up late, or not at all.

Then the whining does ensue
Drive where?? Too hot, too dusty too.
Egads! The rock- it is so far.
They cannot even see their car.
To walk 10 minutes from the street
makes blisters on their widdle feet.

Yes there's a problem, one or two,
my teachings just can't make it through.
To penetrate these flunkie heads,
frustrates me to the point of dread.
I've totally abandoned hope
that you'll stop stepping on my rope.

That line above ... the bee's knees!
Lead? Not before all hell doth freeze!
Where's the tape? which way to go?
Your shiny webbing, is day-glow.
Begging, pleading and my rancor
won't pry you off that three-bolt anchor

Please oh please, our dark-haired maven
return us to our plastic haven.
Back to the loving, cool indoors
With colored holds and squishy floors.
Where gym rats go to romp and play
Outside?? Perhaps another day.

Edit to add: 1/2 credit to Dirtineye ( RIP) for that ^^^ .

I think elton john sang something along the lines of:

Watch me close now eldo prancer

See those rp's shining brightly

Laying back this flake so skinny

Pray to god i'm whipping lightly

Crags of trap rock, secret mountains of choss

Barren cliff tops, vegetation is dead

Holds break, loose rock falls on your partner's head

Land use disputes, access a constant loss

Another hold breaks loose, give it a toss

Cracks and chimneys begging to be led

Run out face climbs generate thrill and dread

Pointless bolt wars making all of us cross

Grumpy old men constantly berating

Couldn't manage to crush my happiness 

Climbing is pointless, but it's also fun

Even when my failure is frustrating

I enjoy climbing not any bit less

So I'll climb this choss till my life is done

Chuffers far and wide 

Sprinters clog the parking lot

Bitching bout the temps 

Grades are so soft here 

This would be 5.9 in gunks 

Cool no one cares bro

almostradwrote:

Chuffers far and wide 

Sprinters clog the parking lot

Bitching bout the temps 

Grades are so soft here 

This would be 5.9 in gunks 

Cool no one cares bro

I like both of these. Could apply to a lot of places. Anywhere specific in mind when you wrote these?

JCMwrote:

I like both of these. Could apply to a lot of places. Anywhere specific in mind when you wrote these?

First one is anywhere around Tahoe, or especially the ditch. people love talking about "getting to the valley" and they complain more than they rock climb.

Other one is just anywhere I've ever been around a gunks climber.  I couldn't fit it in the format, but there's usually a "take" shortly after their proclamation of said softness on CA granite.

A bear seen roadside!

Now we'll miss out on finding

parking for our crag.

Maidy Vasquezwrote:

Now... if this was poems to complain about gym climbers... I could totally hook you up. ;)

I think we can get some prose for ‘outdoor rock climbers’ who go to the gym and have the compulsory need to tell everyone that they rock climb outdoors.