Funny, Poetic, Blasphemous- Climbing Related Analogies

A good friend of mine is always dropping wisdom on me, and he's one of the more experienced climbers that I know, and thought a lot of you all probably have a similar shaman climber that you are blessed to have in your life. So, curious what analogies, in particular, you all have heard that makes you smile, or laugh, or turn your head?

E.x. While talking about the seriousness of belaying, and how some don't take it as serious as they should, this was said... paraphrased

'Climbing is like music, performing on a stage, with all of the creativity and flow of an artist, being free mentally. Belaying is the opposite. It's like work, you're on high alert, like the security guard at the front of the stage protecting the performer.'

Creating a new climb is like developing a new golf course?

This one was passed down through a couple of successive mentorships, I believe. 

Said when placing a particularly poor piece of protection, what some might refer to as psychological pro:  "This here is a 'slow-me-down' piece..."

I've been thinking of the different climbing styles as different types of running, building further on the common analogy where people differentiate bouldering a sprint, and roped climbing a marathon:

• Bouldering: Sprinting - fast, short, controlled power
• Top Roping: Walking/Jogging - easy, longer
• Sport Climbing: Running - harder, longer
• Trad Climbing: Hiking/Trail Running - more nature oriented version of running. More things to think about
• Aid Climbing: Backpacking - like Trail Running, but more gear, more weight, overnight, and much slower
• Big Wall in a Day: Ultramarathon - no stopping, long, combination of speed, pacing, etc.

Climbing is like shitting your pants; sometimes it stinks, other times it makes you feel warm and fuzzy on the inside (of your pants).

Working a hard route, sometimes I really can’t tell; am I projecting… or just pruh-JEKT-ing?

Will Manesswrote:

This one was passed down through a couple of successive mentorships, I believe. 

Said when placing a particularly poor piece of protection, what some might refer to as psychological pro:  "This here is a 'slow-me-down' piece..."

I've always liked "protect with skill, not gear"

"It only takes one mistake....to die."

"What a fun offwidth" 

Reese Stanleywrote:

Climbing is like shitting your pants; sometimes it stinks, other times it makes you feel warm and fuzzy on the inside (of your pants).

And it has a real tendency to make you unbearable to be around for people who don't also have shit in their own pants.

Will Manesswrote:

This one was passed down through a couple of successive mentorships, I believe. 

Said when placing a particularly poor piece of protection, what some might refer to as psychological pro:  "This here is a 'slow-me-down' piece..."

Lol - ask for a demonstration.

Must be said with a German accent, “There are no small holds... only small minds.” - Wolfgang.   

"Asking climbers about the best rappels is like asking restaurant critics for their favorite bathrooms" - Anonymous

Said to a non-climbing poster in a Gunks FB group asking about good rappels in the gunks.

I always tell this to people before rappelling down:

"No matter what happens, I'll see you on the ground."

Also, whats the difference between a golfer and a climber? A golfer goes whack then yells shit. A climber yells shit then goes whack.

While my second was coming up to me at a bomber anchor I warned them, "Whatever you do, don't fall." 

"The best climber climbs tomorrow" -Gumby King

A climb is like a wo. Cough.

A climb is like a wom. Ahem.

A climb is like a wome. 

You know what? Climbing is incomparable!

Nothing novel, but one of my favorites and one that I try to live/climb by:  "There is no cheating in climbing, only lying."

I think it both speaks to the importance of being honest (in all things), while at the same time pointing out the superfluous nature of climbing.  As we are so fond of saying...climbing is a silly game and nothing really matters...but at the same time it matters so much to us.  Whatever you do, and however you choose to climb...just be honest about it.  

And yeah, I apologize for neither of mine being analogies.  

Bouldering below a beautiful cliff is like masterbating in a wh***house. 

Climbing:

It's like fun,

Only different.

#1 Rule of Ice Climbing: Don’t fall