To the person that shat in the shower at Miguel’s today -

Mark Pilatewrote:

Ok, always wondered about these things.  Saw them rarely in Europe myself except for some southern parts.  Mostly I’ve seen this in Asia.   Never needed to use one thankfully, but just what the heck is the concept here?

Like Tim’s pic, none had toilet paper.   Some just had a bucket of water.  Like what the F do you do with that??!!  Was it for flushing the turd, washing your ass, or washing your hands — or all three?

Aren’t your pants in the danger zone with whatever you plan to do straddling that thing?  You expected to do some sort of “Matrix” like maneuver? That hose looks awful short to be effective at much of any option.  Either way,  I wouldn’t touch the bucket or the hose if you paid me 10 grand$.  

It is more conducive to a healthier and easier position to poop. 

Read this short summary

Basically squatting/hovering is bad because your muscles are tense, sitting is better, but relaxing into a deep Slav squat is ideal because your pelvic floor relaxes. I've also heard that the deep squat position aligns your innards in a way that it makes it easier for things to start moving. Basically having your knees up helps and is potentially healthier.

Then there's the memes. 

5, 6, and 8 are ideal in terms of positioning. 9 and 0 are difficult to tell. 1 is you on the MP app right now. 4 is people who skipped leg day. 7 is you on the MP app, but you're weird. I have no clue about 2 and 3.

#3 is so you have a place to put your drink or phone

Mark Pilatewrote:

Like Tim’s pic, none had toilet paper.   Some just had a bucket of water.  Like what the F do you do with that??!!  Was it for flushing the turd, washing your ass, or washing your hands — or all three?

All of the above. If it’s a bucket you use it to wash your ass, hands and to flush the turd. In the picture you would use hose. Usually tank for flushing sits above the squatter, probably out of frame in the picture.
By the way, how do you shit in woods? Unless your buddy has you on belay above cat hole/wag bag you’re squatting. Or maybe you do it standing up, I won’t judge.

When shitting in the woods, you can use sticks, smooth rocks, and sometimes soft pinecones to wipe. No paper needed.

Tim Stichwrote:

When shitting in the woods, you can use sticks, smooth rocks, and sometimes soft pinecones to wipe. No paper needed.

Raccoons or small weasels work best.

There is a reason we shake hands with the right and never the left.

The pics/ diagrams in this thread kill me! 

Mark Pilatewrote:

Ok, always wondered about these things.  Saw them rarely in Europe myself except for some southern parts.  Mostly I’ve seen this in Asia.   Never needed to use one thankfully, but just what the heck is the concept here?

Like Tim’s pic, none had toilet paper.   Some just had a bucket of water.  Like what the F do you do with that??!!  Was it for flushing the turd, washing your ass, or washing your hands — or all three?

Aren’t your pants in the danger zone with whatever you plan to do straddling that thing?  You expected to do some sort of “Matrix” like maneuver? That hose looks awful short to be effective at much of any option.  Either way,  I wouldn’t touch the bucket or the hose if you paid me 10 grand$.  

I lived in Tokyo for 2 years. "Squatty potties" (as we called them) abound in public places, though homes and offices tended to have western toilets available. For instance, our office had one western toilet per restroom. Since I was living there on the company's dime, I had a full-on Western style condo: 2000 square feet in central Tokyo, 3 bedroom, 2.5 bath, and all of the bathrooms had fancy "washlets" with built-in bidet, blow dry, auto-flush, the whole 9 yards.

Of course, every time I went to the restroom at work, I'd give those squatty potties a sideways glance.I was spoiled by the bidets, and didn't relish the idea of trying to figure out how to use them without shitting in the pants around my ankles. Supposedly if you squat just right, you can hang your ass out past your pants, and it works great. (And of course, as mentioned above, squatting is supposed to be a much more natural position for facilitating evacuation.)

My buddies and I frequently joked about the squatty potties, and I often reflected that it would probably be best to learn how to use one in a controlled situation, rather than waiting for a true "I have to go NOW" emergency. Alas, I never heeded that advice...

Cut to 1.5 years into my time there, and we had a corporate guest in town. Guests tended to stay in the bigger hotels in Tokyo, whereas our factory was in the outskirts of the metro area. Rather than asking them to navigate the train system alone, we'd have an international employee meet them in the hotel lobby and escort them on the train. This particular guest was in a hotel that was along my commute, so I was responsible for getting him to the office. I met him at his hotel, and we headed to the train station for our multi-leg trip. (This included trasfers between multiple trains, and a bus ride for the final leg.)

As soon as we got on the first train, my gut clenched up, and I knew I was in trouble. Something was brewing, and it was going to be urgent. Our first train was a 20-minute ride on an express, and I knew if I got out at one of the few stops, the next would be a local, which would take much longer. So I sweated it out. My face was literally beaded in sweat with the effort of keeping the gates of Hell from unleashing the unholy. But I made it to the station where we were to make our transfer. We exited the train, and I told my guest I had to make a quick stop, and left him in the central terminal while I searched for the restroom. As I awklwardly waddled through the terminal, I prayed that I'd find a western throne, instead of all squatty potties. All the while, the situation was building, and I knew my time of reckoning was near.

I found the bathroom, and rejoiced to see a regular Western stall! My elation was short-lived, though, as it was occupied. I cursed myself for a year and a half of joking about the squatties wihout ever using one. I knew that my day had arrived. I couldn't tolerate another walk through the station to find another restroom. I couldn't wait for the regular toilet to be free. I needed to go, NOW.

I stepped into the squatty potty stall and didn't even bother trying to figure out the special squat position that would supposedly save my britches from ruin. I kicked off one shoe, removed that leg completely from my pants and underwear, and squatted down. They say the squatting position helps with evacuation; between that, and the pressure that had been building in my bowels, I was completely empty in about 4.2 seconds.

I remained in position for a few moments to ensure that my system was truly finished. Thankfully, there was TP hanging on the wall. I wiped, put my pants back on, and exited the bathroom with a spring in my step. I collected my guest, and we continued on our journey.

And my pants remained clean. 

I don't want to be pedantic but if you're in danger of shitting ON your pants using a squat toilet you're doing it wrong. Take them off entirely or at least pull out one leg and carefully bundle pants on the other ankle before starting the magic trick. 

Tim Stichwrote:

When shitting in the woods, you can use sticks, smooth rocks, and sometimes soft pinecones to wipe. No paper needed.

Please tell me you have an accompanying sketch for the soft pinecone wipe............ 

Andrew Ricewrote:

I don't want to be pedantic but if you're in danger of shitting ON your pants using a squat toilet you're doing it wrong. Take them off entirely or at least pull out one leg and carefully bundle pants on the other ankle before starting the magic trick. 

Yep, that's what I ended up doing. Supposedly it's possible to leave your shoes and pants on, and still accomplish the task. I was told that it's possible to have your pants around your ankles, and squat in such a way that your ass hangs out past your pants. Of course, this was told to me by Westerners who may not have ever actually done it. I suspect the true technique is to keep your pants around your knees, and squat that way. I've never tried it myself, but that's essentially how my wife squats to pee in the woods.

Andrew Krajnikwrote:

Yep, that's what I ended up doing. Supposedly it's possible to leave your shoes and pants on, and still accomplish the task. I was told that it's possible to have your pants around your ankles, and squat in such a way that your ass hangs out past your pants. Of course, this was told to me by Westerners who may not have ever actually done it. I suspect the true technique is to keep your pants around your knees, and squat that way. I've never tried it myself, but that's essentially how my wife squats to pee in the woods.

Without a doubt it is possible. And if you have a lifetime of practice, it's probably easy. But for mere beginners there's an easy solution...

This thread is comedic gold!

Shred the gnar   

Sprayloard Overstokerwrote:

Raccoons or small weasels work best.

Appropriate username.

Ezra Elliswrote:

Shred the gnar   

I think, in order to stay true to the spirit of this thread, the slogan should be "Waffle Stomp The Gnar"

This thread reminds me of a trip to Hueco, staying at the Rock Ranch.  The outhouse was so disgustingly overloaded that the cone of defecation was almost to the seat height.  Using the outhouse required some sort of 5.2 (get it!?) squatting stem maneuver.  After which I swear I got dysentery, for there was no surface in the outhouse that wasn't fouled.  Subsequent bathroom trips were done out in the desert beyond the camp...  On later trips we opted to stay at the state park campground, which was pretty nice and puts you in the park before opening.

I kind of laugh at all you softies that don't shit in the woods regular....I never pass up a chance to shit au natural. I can do it wearing long underwear, jeans and insulated BIBS without soiling myself, fer Christ sake, during deer season.  And Boogie Wipes are the best for cleaning up...

To Fehim and Buck - crapping in the woods is totally different than using those squat holes in the previous pics.  

As stated, you have a variety of materials and small critters to use for the wiping, if you didn’t happen to pack your own bum wipe (a mark of the true amateur)and  it is significantly more clean and pleasant than some public E. Coli infested crap hole.  Add to that, you have trees to lean against/brace off to give the preferred clearance of your “drop zone” from your pants and boots...I agree with Buck, that a nice open air session is to be savored.  In fact,  I have used the below system extensively in the service and in my hunting area in MN.

I’ve made several in key locations to support my wide ranging travels.  
a couple proper sized logs/branches and some 550 cord is all that is needed. Tie one of the log/branches on either side of two closely spaced trees. Quite comfy and clean.

Mark Pilatewrote:

To Fehim and Buck - crapping in the woods is totally different than using those squat holes in the previous pics.  

As stated, you have a variety of materials and small critters to use for the wiping, if you didn’t happen to pack your own bum wipe (a mark of the true amateur)and  it is significantly more clean and pleasant than some public E. Coli infested crap hole.  Add to that, you have trees to lean against/brace off to give the preferred clearance of your “drop zone” from your pants and boots...I agree with Buck, that a nice open air session is to be savored.  In fact,  I have used the below system extensively in the service and in my hunting area in MN.

I’ve made several in key locations to support my wide ranging travels.  
a couple proper sized logs/branches and some 550 cord is all that is needed. Tie one of the log/branches on either side of two closely spaced trees. Quite comfy and clean.

Yep. That's a setup we used to use in Boy Scouts.

It's been years since I've gone hunting, but like climbing, I always made it a point to take care of business before leaving camp in the morning. On the few occasions that I did need to evacuate while bundled up, I just did a "wall squat" against a tree. It works like a charm, but that's not an option when you're aiming for a hole in the middle of the floor.

Mark Pilatewrote:

To Fehim and Buck - crapping in the woods is totally different than using those squat holes in the previous pics.  

As stated, you have a variety of materials and small critters to use for the wiping, if you didn’t happen to pack your own bum wipe (a mark of the true amateur)and  it is significantly more clean and pleasant than some public E. Coli infested crap hole.  Add to that, you have trees to lean against/brace off to give the preferred clearance of your “drop zone” from your pants and boots...I agree with Buck, that a nice open air session is to be savored.  In fact,  I have used the below system extensively in the service and in my hunting area in MN.

I’ve made several in key locations to support my wide ranging travels.  
a couple proper sized logs/branches and some 550 cord is all that is needed. Tie one of the log/branches on either side of two closely spaced trees. Quite comfy and clean.

Another Pro Tip  is to pee first, then take a dookie. That way there aren't any conflicts in direction of travel, or splatter fallout.