Favorite Line from a Guidebook / Topo

"Beached whale mantle" from a topo for "Stolen Chimney" is hilarious and super accurate.

Any other odd descriptions / hilarious understatements / absurdly wrong info from a guidebook or topo you can recall?

Anything “third class” in a Beckey guide

The classic chickenwing dyno!

"Follow the obvious route." 

The topo for Krakatoa in Sedona has a box with capital letters, “LAST CHANCE TO BAIL” at the base of the crux 4th pitch. Key advice, no doubt, but it made me chuckle.

"Hunk Upwards" : from the old Yosemite Topo guide.

"The joy of the lower pitches is forgotten in the grungieness of the upper reaches."  - paraphrasing the comment about Duet (iirc) in one of the older Cannon NH guidebooks which in itself is a play on Dick Williams description of Updraft, which was reversed: "the grungieness of the first pitch is forgotten in the joy of the upper reaches".

....or something like that.

I love the line on here for the Protection section of Group Therapy aka Wrangler Dangler aka Dracula up in Poudre Canyon.

"Screws, gear, and courage"

"Follow the goat trail of relative ease and safety"
-J Gordon Edwards in Climber's Guide to Glacier National Park

Warriors Way at Whiteside Mtn in the "Select Climbs of North Carolina."  Typed next to the crux of pitch 6, rated 12b, it just says "Blank."  Typed next to the first crux of pitch 7, rated 12+, it just says "Blankity Blank" and next to the second crux "Blankity Blank Blank."  Pretty accurately describes the climbing too.

"Welcome to jug city and you're the mayor." - Obed guidebook

Probably not the exact quote, but, a classic from Desperate Grace (Little Cottonwood guidebook) with regard to piton use for protection:

"The rock, like the best of women, can only take the occasional pounding."

Brian in SLC wrote: Probably not the exact quote, but, a classic from Desperate Grace (Little Cottonwood guidebook) with regard to piton use for protection:

"The rock, like the best of women, can only take the occasional pounding."

You're horrible.

Travis James wrote: "Follow the goat trail of relative ease and safety"
-J Gordon Edwards in Climber's Guide to Glacier National Park

And don't forget your four pitons and 30 ft. of serviceable rope!

On the description to the approach for the south face of Moro Rock in Seki... if you happen to come across my dropped nalgene bottle, you will probably need a rescue.

Courtright Reservoir guidebook, description for Chimera (5.10c, X) "Had some relationship grief lately?... Then here's the climb for you!"

From the protection section of the Mugs topo of Rodeo Queen (5.10 A4) in Zion: "Come armed for bear"

“Blue Alien - Blue Big Bro and Carharts. Devin recommends a Vicodin too”
-Creek Freak

The gray dick had some great lines. "Hard to recommend, hard not to," is one of them. Generally, those routes were awful. 

RMNP Estes Park Valley climber’s guide
Osiris, P3: “Take the left of two choices..”

"A party of two can complete the route comfortably in a day" - N Ridge of Mt Stephen, per Sean Dougherty, "Selected Alpine Climbs in the Canadian Rockies"
"Engage the mind in reverse and move through the roof" - "Orang-Outang", Krakadouw, South Africa, per Dave Cheesmond