Funny Guide Stories

I was working at a camp the past summer, and one student sent a 5.14a the first day, but after a day or two, I and the other guides learned that he did not know how to lead belay, and "Just gets belayed when he goes to the crag."

I personally would not mind that life.

Tagg C wrote: I was working at a camp the past summer, and one student sent a 5.14a the first day, but after a day or two, I and the other guides learned that he did not know how to lead belay, and "Just gets belayed when he goes to the crag."

I personally would not mind that life.

What kind of camp was this?

Tagg C wrote: I was working at a camp the past summer, and one student sent a 5.14a the first day, but after a day or two, I and the other guides learned that he did not know how to lead belay, and "Just gets belayed when he goes to the crag."

I personally would not mind that life.

Classic Graham

Years ago after an Access Fund meeting three of us went out to climb a very well known and popular classic, a well known local  guide,  a well known photographer, and myself, a broken down climbing advocate. The former two shall remain anonymous as will the climb to protect the innocent, err incompetent. Anywho we met in the parking lot before light and started hiking in. It was about a 4 mile hike which being dark and in the clouds with some snow made the approach "interesting". After 90 minutes or so we arrived but to a continued light snow fall. Having come all this way, seeing thin clouds,  all being very experienced,  and being the climb is a very well known and popular classic, we decided to wait a bit. Sure enough it cleared enough to see the route through clouds so we launched upwards. I can not remember who did which of 6-8 pitches excect I remember leading the finial headwall pitch which was classic. Along the way we found a bail gear which being a very well known and popular classic was not surprising as many a new climber has bailed because of experience (of lack of there of) or inclement weather.  Soon we topped out to some nice views and congratulated each other on a fine climb of a very well known and popular classic. The summit is an airy needled like perch which makes it such a very well known and popular classic.

BITD the descent route description noted that one should make a rap or two to a notch and then go up and over a col to the next valley over to descend. Being very experienced, and being the climb is a very well known and popular classic we found some tat and decided to just rap down from the notch rather the normal descent. It went easy enough and soon we were back at the base wondering why people made such a big deal about the descent. At this point the sun was out and we could see whole face we had climbed. We marveled at our success given it was snowing when we started out.

So by now you are probably wondering so what is the funny bit. As we hiked out I started looking at the route and the formation and something did not jive.  Back at the car I re-read the route description (all being very experienced and being the climb is a very well known and popular classic we skipped bringing the guide book). It still did not jive. My partners said I was mistaken because the formation, route, and summit were so unique that there was only one such so we surely climbed this very well known and popular classic. Finally, back in town I ran into a good friend who knew the area quite well. As soon as I described what we climbed they said oh you did not climb that very well known and popular classic you climbed this other route. More over you the route you climbed was not on the formation you thought you were on a completely different formation in the next valley over!! So wrong route, wrong formation, and wrong valley. So much for three all being very experienced, including a well known local guide, and a well known photographer. When we all figured it out we just laughed at ourselves.

Allen Sanderson wrote: 

Ha! Great story. So did the route you climbed end up being just as classic as the "real" classic?

Allen Sanderson wrote: So by now you are probably wondering so what is the funny bit. As we hiked out I started looking at the route and the formation and something did not jive.  Back at the car I re-read the route description (all being very experienced and being the climb is a very well known and popular classic we skipped bringing the guide book). It still did not jive. My partners said I was mistaken because the formation, route, and summit were so unique that there was only one such so we surely climbed this very well known and popular classic. Finally, back in town I ran into a good friend who knew the area very well. As soon as I described what we climbed they said oh you did not climb that very well known and popular classic you climbed this other route. More over you the route you climbed was not on the formation you thought you were on a completely different formation in the next valley over!! So wrong route, wrong formation, and wrong valley. So much for three all being very experienced, including a well known local  guide, and a well known photographer. When we all figured it out we just laughed at ourselves.

RMNP, Zowie vs PG??

Mark A wrote:

RMNP, Zowie vs PG??

Yep, that's what I was thinking. Weird that they even found gear on Zowie. Ha ha. But then again it might have been others that mistook it for the Petit as well.

Adam Fleming wrote:

Other way around.   

Oh cool yeah...

Seth Bleazard wrote:

What kind of camp was this?

One run by an AMGA accredited business, pretty great program.

Story 1:
Not too long ago I was guiding a group single pitch day at Panty Wall in Red Rock Canyon, NV. Essentially all indoor boulderers, maybe from SF IIRC. A couple of which had limited belaying experience. One fellow I had to remind a couple times about keeping his helmet on. I wanted the point to stick so I made a little spiel to the whole group about how spontaneous rockfall is not uncommon and the importance to keep helmets on as much as possible to stack the odds in your favor.

He put it on and the whole group was still facing me, but he was facing away from me. I kinda "spiked" a little rock onto his helmet from above and quickly turned away. The rest of the group saw me do it and played along perfectly. He was incredibly surprised and grateful that he put his helmet on when he did. Periodically throughout the day the subject would come up and they would continue to go along with it. He never figured it out. It was great. I wonder if they ever actually told him the truth or if they just kept playing along.

(There was also some sort of refund and re-charge thing we needed to do because of a decrease in the group size and the inability of our system to do a partial refund. So we did a full refund and were trying to charge for the new lower amount, but they never returned any of our calls (we don't store CC #s), so yeah, if you are reading this, we would still like for you to pay the several hundred dollars you owe, so I can actually get paid for that day.)

In regards to how does it feel to have a pretty much incompetant lead belayer client? Not great. It seems that this is the case the majority of the time as a SPI. You do your best to instruct them on how to lead belay, and you climb slow and controlled, clip slow, so they are less likely to short rope you. Have them use an assisted braking device and make sure they feed rope out of it appropriately and absolutely do not feed out rope in the way or ways in which it can be made to fail. You pretty much treat it like soloing though, you must not fall. If there is easy top access you use it, unless of course, you are demonstrating lead climbing.

It is absolutely a refreshing and fun experience on the other hand when you actually have experienced clients who know what they are doing but don't know the area and don't want to waste time figuring it out, or clients who basically just want a cragging partner who they know will not bail on them.

There are other stories, but I'm limited on time right now and no others are popping into mind at the moment.

Yesterday at mission gorge there was some guy with one Solution, one salomon running shoe, and a standard issue backpack trying to solo around an REI class. He was sketching all over the place, grunting hard and at one point had to ditch his pack halfway up the pitch to continue. Guess he came back for it later?

Another time some guy in the military was watching a trad climbing class I was teaching, looked pretty stoked and asked about climbing, I was like "its great you should try it  some time!" He then soloed past my clients in brooks running shoes up a slab skating feet the whole time. I didn't mean right there and then, but shit, he sent, so good on him.

Well here’s another one from a couple weekends ago. Was guiding a pair up a chill 5.5 in the Trapps. They had already demonstrated competency at the grade and style, and they even picked the route out from a short list I gave them with pictures. From my belay, I can see the whole pitch except for the first 40’.

So, they start climbing, and I know they’re slow. I wasn’t really paying attention to how much rope I was taking in, so when I checked my watch and it had been 10 minutes, I figured, ah they must be close to where I can see them. Five minutes later I asked “how’s it goin’?” to which I got the response “huh? Oh, ya know, dreamy.”

Confused, I minded my own business.

Anyways, at their simply tectonic pace, they finished the first bit of the pitch in 30 minutes. Cool.

They began to climb the second part of the pitch, which was easier, but with a small bulge. The first climber got the bulge and hung on the rope a lot trying to figure it out. At one point after she had been sitting for a bit, I looked down and holy shit she was asleep. I shit you not, sitting in her harness, in full sun, snoring up against the rock face. I woke her up and she told me she was dreaming of squirrels.

Considering advertising myself as an extreme outdoor daydreaming guide. 

Ha Ha Ha.....

Ok I have to chime in anyone that has worked professionally has funny stories like one day a guy I brought up Longs peak I couldn't for the life of me wonder why he kept sitting down at the smallest of step-overs in the Boulderfield and butt schooching across instead of walking.  About 20 mins from being back at the car he says to me "Well I didn't mention it on the medical waiver but I have a neurological disorder where I have no depth perception "
That explained it but I would think you'd want your guide to know that...

When we left the trailhead with clients we left at 1am and in the summer you usually went up once maybe twice a week but those were big days 12-16 hrs and Longs takes it toll on you.  
Twice about 20 mins up the trail with clients I fell asleep walking uphill...
The only thing that kept me from crashing to the ground was my hiking poles that I always used on a Longs Peak day and highly recommended them to clients. 

Years ago I worked a s guide guiding the Grand Teton. One trip I had a client who was quite old and feeble. The office required him to take two guides as they were sure he couldn't be trusted to be of any use. We were most of the way up the Upper Exum when he decided he had had enough and wanted to go down. We told him at the point it was much easier to go up and over to the rappel than it was to reverse the route. As I was ahead leading the V Pitch he told the other guide he'd pay him double if they could just untie from me and go down. The other guide blew a gasket and yelled up to me what he had said and then informed him we would ALL for sure be going up.

By the time we got near the summit he insisted on going to the top. When we got to the summit he made everybody there be quiet because he wanted to thank God for getting him up the mountain. When the other guide heard that he said   "God my ass, Norm was pulling and I was pushing!"

Any more stories? I'm really bored right now.

I once forgot the trad rack. Thankfully the area we were going to toprope at had a 5.4 approach pitch option and I had slings. I knew the size of the crack fairly well so I picked up some stones on the way, chock stones. More professional than soloing.

i some how in the middle of a guiding season cone forgot to pack my harness for a kids group, if you cant make ur won from webbing then why.

I got to the base of a famous Eldo multi pitch route and left half my rack on the ground for the first sustained pitch.

learn adapt 

Long ago, I was instructing a basic class with a group of beginners. It was early in the day and I was describing and demonstrating various belay devices and belay techniques. I probably used the term ‘belay device’ a few too many times. After we finished, as we were taking a short restroom/water break before moving on to another subject, one young lady pulled me aside to ask me a question. She sheepishly whispered to me “why do they call it a blade of ice?” I had to smile. I guess my articulation was poor that morning. Say ‘belay device’ quickly and lazily and it makes sense.