Being Pressured to Try New Stuff I'm Not Comfortable With

Hi everyone, I'm wondering if any of you have had this experience:
Your significant other wants you to try climbing something you're not comfortable doing, like multipitch or trad, and refuses to accept that you're really not interested at all. The main reason I get from my significant other is that I haven't tried it, so how could I know that I won't like it? (I've done some sport and one fixed-line two-pitch 5th-class scramble before and my fear of heights has always outweighed the fun of the situation, really kills the stoke everyone has)
While I'm always down to try new (lowball!) bouldering routes, I'm really not ready to get into trad, multipitch, or maybe even sport climbing. Mostly because I'm afraid of heights and I'm really not that interested in pushing those boundaries (though I'm stoked to hear of women pushing their boundaries). I might be down in the future, but it seems it's important to him that I try it sooner than later. I'm super supportive of his need to do that stuff, and I'm more than happy to come along and be a base camp manager or first-pitch belay slave or meet him up at the top. But he's always trying to get me to go because he wants to share that part of his life with me. I've been able to avoid it by chance so far, but it's becoming a problem in our relationship.
Have any of you had this sort of experience? What are your thoughts? Am I being a total wuss or is he not respecting my feelings?

I don't know about you but I love having a partner that pushes me to expand my limits and face my fears. Hes probably just hoping that once you go for it you'll find out what an amazing experience it can be. But it may just not be your thing. Oh well.

Dr Strangelove wrote: I don't know about you but I love having a partner that pushes me to expand my limits and face my fears. Hes probably just hoping that once you go for it you'll find out what an amazing experience it can be. But it may just not be your thing. Oh well.

Dude, no. She clearly has a fear of heights and is not having a good time. It's just not her thing and he should back off asking all of the time. A friend of mine also is just not into trad and she married a big trad guy. He took her out on repeated trad trips and guess what? She really was not into it. He stopped trying to get her to go on his trad endeavors and they both took up road biking. Now they share that and no more gnashing of teeth at the sketchy trad belays.

This is more about a relationship than about climbing.  Having a partner or friends push you out of your comfort zone can be great for some people in some situations.
Also this isn't just a 'ladies' question.  This can apply just as much to men as it does to women.

Communicate.  If it XYZ isn't your thing, and you've told your partner that.  Then you partner should respect that.  If he or she doesn't then work at explaining that to them that this isn't what you want.

I know you didn't ask for my opinion, but my wife is very similar to your story.

I tried to take her up Wherever I May Roam (5 pitch 5.9 sport route at Smith).  She was not into it at all, but sucked it up to please me.  On top of pitch 2, we bailed because she was obviously uncomfortable (though she was willing to push through if I asked her to).

You should be willing to step out of your comfort zone to try something that your SO is into, and likewise if he sees you not enjoying it he should be gracious enough to accept that.  I recommend you find (or ask him to find) a short route with large, comfortable belay ledges and give it a try.  If you want to bail early he should be ready to be supportive and not be an ass about it.  Otherwise, if you know that's not possible for you... you need to talk to him and work it out.  Either it's a deal breaker or it's not.  Relationship basics, not specific to climbing.

I once had a boyfriend that would push me to get on stuff I was not comfortable with and/or at my climbing limit. I wanted to please him so I'd try. Then I'd get terrified and cry and then he'd get angry and not want to lower me and it would become a whole stupid THING. Looking back.....dang, why did I ever let him push me around and then make me feel bad about it?! So outrageous!

So I say you tell him 'thanks but no thanks.' If you're not psyched, you're not psyched, and that should be the end of it. Don't let someone dictate these types of things---this type of behavior can be unhelpful and extremely bad for your confidence in the long run. If part of you does want to try, maybe it'd be best to find a beginner women's club or something and keep it uber-mellow until you are more confident/happy in your skills. But if you aren't having fun then you shouldn't be doing it! And if he doesn't like that than maybe you should re-evaluate the situation. Good luck!!!!

Sandi Bourne wrote: Am I being a total wuss or is he not respecting my feelings?

Both.

I constantly pressure my wife to climb with me. I guilt-trip, coax, bribe, bargain, complain, threaten, you name it. She just doesn't want to, period. I refuse to accept that, and it's important to me, so I still ask her constantly.

I'm doing the right thing by continuing to ask, she's doing the right thing by continuing to say no. IMO anyway

EDIT: whoops, was I allowed to weigh in? hope so

FWIW, climbing cured my fear of heights.

Funny that the pushy "just do it and get over the fear" mentality is coming from the guys. This is why I separate boyfriends from climbing nowadays, but that's a whole other thread....  ;-)

You respect and support his choices. He needs to do the same.

Here's a system that works for my wife and me, and has worked we first started dating. I am more in to climbing, and she is way more into running.

I climb with her whenever and whatever she wants, she just has to initiate it. She always gets to pick the line if she wants. Or I pick something easy. It's a date, not my time to work my proj or get on a suffer fest. I don't pressure her to climb with me or depend on her to be my climbing partner for any adventure. I've got other friends for the routes that I'm dying to do, friends that are also wanting to do the same routes. And she doesn't take me on the suffer fest runs that she does.

That said, she has picked some climbs that have really challenged me.

Nothing sucks more than pushing your partner to do something that they don't want to do.

 

sDawg wrote: Does he know it's bothering you enough to write this post? If not, you are undercommunicating and that part is on you. Look for what you can do better here. Take initiative to plan climbing days you will both enjoy and be 100% open about your feelings when you reject his plans, even though it means showing vulnerability
If he is really not accepting "just thinking about climbing that route makes me anxious and scared and I really want to have fun with you but I can't do it on that climb. Can we do this instead?" he is the problem. But if you're not saying all of that directly to him, you are the problem. 

We've been communicating  about this. He knows I'm not interested in doing any of it, but he's still pressuring me because he "wants to share [his] passion" with me. My intention in writing this post was to get outside opinions from the climbing community so that I can better approach the topic with him as soon as possible and have my arsenal of ideas (from both sides) to better support my opinions.

Continuing pressure from him could just pressure you right out of his life. He needs to know when it's time to back off. Before he hits the point of no-return.

I would be alienated and irritated by someone who didn't take "No" for an answer, multiple times.

This song has your answer.

Do you actually enjoy climbing?
Nothing you said suggests that you really do.
If low ball bouldering is something you do enjoy, then pressure him to do that with you.
Maybe this is something that is representative of bigger issues in the relationship?

Sandi Bourne wrote:

We've been communicating  about this. He knows I'm not interested in doing any of it, but he's still pressuring me because he "wants to share [his] passion" with me. My intention in writing this post was to get outside opinions from the climbing community so that I can better approach the topic with him as soon as possible and have my arsenal of ideas (from both sides) to better support my opinions.

FrankPS wrote:Continuing pressure from him could just pressure you right out of his life. He needs to know when it's time to back off. Before he hits the point of no-return.
I would be alienated and irritated by someone who didn't take "No" for an answer, multiple times.

For me, someone in my life (especially in a relationship context) who won't accept "no" for an answer, who dismisses how I feel, or who thinks their opinion about what I should want/think/feel/do is more valid than my own, is a huge red flag.

You're not asking how to overcome your fear of heights, or how to learn to trad climb, or what routes are best for beginners - you're not really asking about the climbing side of things, but the relationship side. Just to cover bases, from the climbing perspective: I firmly believe that climbing, and especially leading need to be intrinsically motivated. If someone is psyched to learn to climb or lead or get on bigger climbs, I'm psyched to help them get there. And in the larger context of everyone is happy to be out climbing, a little pushing at times between trusted climbing partners is sometimes a wonderful thing. But no good will come of putting yourself or others into a potentially risky situation you have no interest in. Your disinterest in climbing higher than a pitch or a boulder problem is 100% valid. And if you find on reflection that even that much doesn't interest you, that's absolutely ok too. 

From the relationship perspective: No one outside a relationship can really know what's going on for you, only you can really decide what's right for you. So just some things to consider: Does he act like this in any other facet of your life, unrelated to climbing? Controlling, badgering, not taking no for an answer, is this a constant? If so, it may be worth considering whether this relationship in its current state is a healthy one for either of you. If he doesn't, and this is solely a climbing thing, then maybe he's a reasonable and caring guy who is just over-focused on getting you to climb for whatever reason. Maybe you can talk about why it's so important to him, that he would ignore your feelings and try to push you into something you don't want, when you're already meeting him more than halfway. If you can figure out what's at the root of this, maybe he can fill that need in another way, or come to an understanding that climbing is truly never going to be for you what it is for him; or maybe this is a deal-breaker for you both.

Let us know how it turns out if you're so inclined. I wish you both the best! 

Sounds like the guy's having trouble finding belayers.  Are you open to him going on trips without you?  What if the partner is female?  If you don't want to climb, tell him "don't ask me again."  

The main reason I get from my significant other is that I haven't tried it, so how could I know that I won't like it?

I tried to use this reasoning to get an ex-gf to do something with me that he had no experience with. It had something to do with climbing but I don’t remember exactly what it was. But I remember her counterpoint very well. She said, “you don’t have to suck a D to know that you don’t like it.” I had nothing to say after that. 

GF and I went through similar issues. This ultimately stemmed from me being stoked on climbing and not having enough belay partners. Definitely overstepped my boundaries pushing her to go outside her comfort zone on occasion. Now I just ask if she's interested in going climbing, if not, then I'll find someone else to go with.

With that said. There's definitely been numerous times in my life where I was not at all interested in doing something, that I would "never do", that turned out to be the best experiences of my life. Skydiving and climbing to name a couple. Food for thought.

Sounds like you have what we older men refer to as a puppy. Overly enthusiastic, cute but also probably annoying af at times.
Do what you do with puppies, slap him on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Metaphorically.
You need to push out of your comfort zone and be forceful enough with yoyr objections that he finally gets the message.
You might find that brief rush of aggression empowering too.