Should I Break Up with my Climbing Partner?

I've been on lead, wondering to myself if my lackadaisical belayer would actually catch me if I fell. This feeling affected how I climbed, of course! Now with some belayers, like one of my kids for example, it was a simple physics thing - I didn't want to subject them to the forces of a dad fall. So it was easy routes, negligible risk of falling and a "must not fall" mentality, sort like soloing. 

To me, that's the scenario with being lead belayed by most any true noob, frankly, except for the prodigies (who seem to catch on from day one and quickly surpass my best in short order).

But with some other partners I just did not trust them. Reasons varied, from they are strangers to I know them all too well, and in those situations, that knowledge sapped my confidence and prevented me from going harder or all out on a hard lead. But I didn't just say no, to climbing, with them. I just put them in the casual route column and still found ways to have fun with my mates.

But I didn't consider them serious partners. I invested very little in their continuing climbing education since they were never meeting me halfway. Life's too short, trust me, to be climbing with the very real prospect of getting dropped.

Lastly - talk to your partner. Be gentle, but have the courage to be frank and tell him your concerns. If he can't take that, well the decision will be his. And if you can't face that conversation, well, then yeah, stop climbing with him. In a long career of climbing you will have far more 'used to climbs" than you will active partners. There must be 50 ways to leave your partner, btw. 

My litmus test, is if I look down from a lead, the belayer should be looking right back at me.  If they can't stay attentive - no go.

Andrew,

At three years of climbing, you need to be able to assess a partner yourself. Although there is some good advice here, don't base your decision on a gym test (or 4 of them!) but rather on what you have seen and experienced with this partner.  You need to be able to make this call yourself. For this partner and future partners.

Do you lack the confidence to decide for yourself? That's not meant as a putdown; possibly you are very timid or unsure of yourself

The other question here is if the breakup goes down will you just ghost this person or be honest and tell them why? 

Why entrust your life to someone who isn’t competent enough to keep you alive?

Gyms being over conservative is becoming a trend, I think. My gym wouldn't let my wife top rope belay me because she didn't know how to tie in. She doesnt climb. Her top rope belay skills were fine they just made her attempt to tie in and she couldn't and they failed her. 

How can she check your knot if she can't tie in properly?  I'm OK with that as a reason for not passing her.  

John Badila wrote:

How can she check your knot if she can't tie in properly?  I'm OK with that as a reason for not passing her.  

for the same reason I'm a certified weld inspector but not a certified welder... being capable of inspecting something doesn't necessarily mean you can perform the task.

Cherokee Nunes wrote:

I've been on lead, wondering to myself if my lackadaisical belayer would actually catch me if I fell. This feeling affected how I climbed, of course! Now with some belayers, like one of my kids for example, it was a simple physics thing - I didn't want to subject them to the forces of a dad fall. So it was easy routes, negligible risk of falling and a "must not fall" mentality, sort like soloing. 

To me, that's the scenario with being lead belayed by most any true noob, frankly, except for the prodigies (who seem to catch on from day one and quickly surpass my best in short order).

But with some other partners I just did not trust them. Reasons varied, from they are strangers to I know them all too well, and in those situations, that knowledge sapped my confidence and prevented me from going harder or all out on a hard lead. But I didn't just say no, to climbing, with them. I just put them in the casual route column and still found ways to have fun with my mates.

But I didn't consider them serious partners. I invested very little in their continuing climbing education since they were never meeting me halfway. Life's too short, trust me, to be climbing with the very real prospect of getting dropped.

Lastly - talk to your partner. Be gentle, but have the courage to be frank and tell him your concerns. If he can't take that, well the decision will be his. And if you can't face that conversation, well, then yeah, stop climbing with him. In a long career of climbing you will have far more 'used to climbs" than you will active partners. There must be 50 ways to leave your partner, btw. 

This is all you need to know, Andrew.

Trust your evaluation. Partnering is not a Roman vote (i.e., thumbs up or thumbs down).  Decide for yourself how far you are willing to go with this partner. The competent climbers are making these kinds of decision All.The.Time.

I would break up, via text. If you don’t have a gym lead tag I won’t even be your friend. 

Mike B wrote:

Why entrust your life to someone who isn’t competent enough to keep you alive?

Don't fall into the sunk cost fallacy with partners.  Booty all their gear and dip before you wake up in a bush being strapped into a backboard.

Greg Davis wrote:

I would break up, via text. If you don’t have a gym lead tag I won’t even be your friend. 

Text breakups are so wrong yet so easy

Excellent discussion. Thank you all. And some gym employees are clearly experts in climbing too, didn't mean to over generalize. Great points about my own ability to assess a belayer. 

Bad belaying can go on for years- for an accident you need bad belaying to coincide with a fall that is unannounced 

if someone doesn’t know after 30 mins , excluding soft catches, then they will never know. So, what is the priority? Staying alive to climb next time or ….

in saying that, I climb with someone who gives good enough belays but I have to constantly coach the soft catch as he defaults to the hard catch. l also insist on a grigri which while not perfect works for those who don’t have a natural affinity, but I always check it is threaded properly 

while much better to have an equal, if you monitor your partner constantly for even the smallest detail, it is possible to climb with the stereotypical absent minded scientist. It means looking down lots, checking the rope as you lower to make sure you don’t lower off the end etc etc etc ie be responsible for your own safety 

Im trying to envision using a 3rd hand with a gri gri, can you elaborate more on that?

Noodle Dude wrote:

Im trying to envision using a 3rd hand with a gri gri, can you elaborate more on that?

Slid down the rope below (and by) the brake hand. That's how/why one can fall 10 feet.

Gunkiemike wrote:

Slid down the rope below (and by) the brake hand. That's how/why one can fall 10 feet.

….y tho?

I'm also wondering about a prussik, a grigri, and a single line rappel.

Just setting up a single line, already puts you into a slightly unusual situation, and possibly weird rope rigging.

Partners are PARTNERS. You are also responsible for what the two of you decide to do. I'd suggest to think hard on all of this, and dial it back, no matter who you are partnered with.

If you have to ask....

Best, Helen

The rappel slip, as there are a few questions. My partner was on a tether line, to a bolt, on the GriGri with a stopper knot, and he was also tied into the doubled main rope at the master point with a 3rd hand. So he lowered himself over the ledge on the tether, cranked on the GriGri too hard, descended out of control some, and eventually caught himself on the GriGri / tether before hitting the stopper.