Rockclimber Support Group

Allright allright, back on topic...It's snowing again. I'm going to stop eating Valiums long enough to pick up my new Miuras at Neptune Mountaineering tomorrow and then head to the spot. Tonight I will do my rarely seen sun dance. It involves a headless chicken, tighty whities and dancing on one leg. This will stop the snow and bring out the sun. I'm sorry I didn't do this sooner.....Thank me with cash presents, nude pictures and stock up on sunscreen. Here it comes people.

Yes, Hank, you will get your wish - dry & sun; of course, it will be frigid.

What is that Greek myth? - a man wished for immortality but had aged so that he withered into a grasshopper.

Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it.

Hank, thank you for offering to do your sun dance to drive the evil cold and snow spirits away.
I will pay homage to the rock god and think impure thoughts in an attempt for the same outcome.

On my way to work this morning I was day dreaming about racking up at the base of some sunny, long alpine route and getting a few hundred feet up only to be chased off the route by a storm. Then I was thinking about the long hike back in the warm rain with thunder overhead. It was an appealing thought.

This winter has been really fun for me. I've been skiing and summiting the 13ers and 14ers without having to deal with any people at all! The ice climbing has been great too. I am anxiously waiting for the temps to hit 40 though so I can get back on the rock. My fingers miss the touch.

So the day after Thanksgiving I tried this thing called telemarking for the first time. Two perfect turns and then the 3rd one resulted in a complete obliteration of my right ACL. So before the winter even started I was already pissed, sad, depressed, crying and drunk about not being able to climb until at least April. Now, I'm barely allowed to walk upright and not allowed to even climb in a gym. So now I peruse climbing magazines in REI with extra tissues and sit in the far corner of Southern Sun every day calculating how much beer it takes to speed the healing process. I even locked myself in the bathroom at Neptune's for 90minutes caressing the posters and shaking violenty. I need help!

60 above zero:
Floridians turn on the heat.
People in Colorado plant gardens.

50 above zero:
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Denver sunbathe.

40 above zero:
Italian & English cars won't start.
People in Colorado drive with the windows down.

32 above zero:
Distilled water freezes.
The water in Golden gets thicker.

20 above zero:
Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats.
People in Colorado throw on a flannel shirt.

15 above zero:
New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
People in Colorado have the last cookout before it gets cold.

Zero:
People in Miami all die.
Denverites close the windows.
Highlands Ranch fines all homeowners for not removing all ice from public thoroughfares.

10 below zero:
Californians fly away to Mexico.
People in Colorado get out their winter coats.
Highlands Ranch fines all homeowners for not watering their lawns with said ice now removed from public thoroughfares.

25 below zero:
Hollywood disintegrates.
The Girl Scouts in Colorado are selling cookies door to door.

40 below zero:
Washington DC runs out of hot air.
People in Colorado let the dogs sleep indoors.

100 below zero:
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Denverites get upset because they can't start the Mini-Van.
Highlands Ranch fines all homeowners due to dead lawns from freezing.

460 below zero:
ALL atomic motion s tops (absolute zero on the Kelvin scale.)
People in Colorado start saying..."Cold 'nuff fer ya?"
Homeowners finally abandon Highlands Ranch & move back to California/Texas.

500 below zero:
Hell freezes over.
Denver public schools will open 2 hours late
JeffCo schools - no delay.
The Fang is finally Fat!! (but is closed for "revegetation")

Chris Darr wrote:So the day after Thanksgiving I tried this thing called telemarking for the first time. Two perfect turns and then the 3rd one resulted in a complete obliteration of my right ACL. So before the winter even started I was already pissed, sad, depressed, crying and drunk about not being able to climb until at least April. Now, I'm barely allowed to walk upright and not allowed to even climb in a gym. So now I peruse climbing magazines in REI with extra tissues and sit in the far corner of Southern Sun every day calculating how much beer it takes to speed the healing process. I even locked myself in the bathroom at Neptune's for 90minutes caressing the posters and shaking violenty. I need help!

That makes me want to cry. :-(

Mark that is funny sh*t.

Hank, thanks for the dance, but I think we need some fair maiden to do a dance with the Wintersmith before he releases his hold on Colorado.

Yeah Matt, my dance brought out the sun allright, but it's 16 below zero and a sixpack I left in my new Dodge truck exploded last night, sigh....I will try the fair maiden approach this time and apologize for the subzero temps, my bad....Mark, thanks for the Greek philosophy, but I don't actually want me or anyone else to break out in cancerous sun tumors. I just want to rockclimb. Besides, the Fang is the 3rd Flatiron of Colorado ice climbing anyway. It's gotta be fat and all hacked up right now, eh?

Mark, Best post of the season. Thank you.

I suggest a Hillbilly road trip. I left Boulder back in October, miss it like crazy. But will have to say, the climbing in Tenn.,N.C.,Alabama, and Georgia is good in the winter. Plus if it "snows" down here it is fun to watch everyone freak out and buy all the bread and milk they can get their hands on. Why bread and milk? I have no idea, but they do. Heads up...most trad has several roofs and the bouldering is very strange. Also, the girls love to get all dolled up and drunk, makes for interesting evenings. Just tell them you think Carl Rove is great and you're home free. (no deliverance jokes please, they make me queasy)

Or, just tell them you're Peyton Manning.

When temps here in 'Tucson' drop to the low sixties, we bundle up like Folks in the midwest. During some of the colder days we can tell who the "Snowbirds" are. They are always the one's wearing shorts when locals are practically dressed like 'Eskimos.' The last time I shoveled snow was in may '94 and thats why I'm here. There is a light at the end of the tunnel for you "Rockhounds" and the day's are already getting noticably longer. (So hang in there and try your best to keep your sanity)

Nice post Mark!

andy, i was one of those snowbirds, but in Mesa this winter... cuz there is not much for window cleaning up here. but it still snowed there! i guess i need to go further south next winter.

i brought a cactus back with me and named it Spike.

Darren,
Ya, I believe that is when we received snow in 'Tucson' several weeks ago? I measured 1 1/2 inches in my yard! Would you believe "Tucson Area Schools Declared A Snow Day."

1 1/2" of snow........ooooooohhhh God really hates Tucson. I hope you got space on your couch, I'm on my way!

Mark, thanks for the laugh man (that belongs on a printing press). Funny, a friend was commenting on how January is usually our busiest (rock) climbing month; this January I braved a windy, cold day and TR'd one route. . . .

Hey all,

I do understand and feel everyone's pain...however, it IS possible to climb in this weather. We've all done it (particularly when on a climbing trip without a choice) - you reach for a crack and you get ice under your fingernails, you get to the top and can't make a toprope cuz your hands no longer work, you get back down and the unbelievable pain of chill blanes course through your fingers. It's kinda fun...

Sarah V. my butt, this is just the kind of "come on everyone, frigid temps are kinda fun" thing Leo Paik would say. I think we got us a winter lovin Nederland administrator posing as Sarah V. Or it could be Mark Nelson in disguise.......