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Dating a climber...

Klimbien · · St.George Orem Denver Vegas · Joined Apr 2009 · Points: 455

Just a thought... What is going to happen if/when you can't climb anymore? Accident? Amputation? Iatrogenic renal failure? Arthritis? Etc etc etc.

Stiles · · the Mountains · Joined May 2003 · Points: 845

In five pages of responses you cant pick out a beau?

Kent Richards · · Unknown Hometown · Joined Jan 2009 · Points: 81
Kellie O'Brien wrote: I found it distracting to date another climber. Climbing takes concentration and all the nuances in a romantic entanglement can get in the way. I witnessed one couple go from all' s well to complete meltdown once and it put everyone in a dangerous situation. I learned right then that I want to be able to trust the person on the other end of the rope, rather than worrying about jealousies or any of the other baggage a relationship can bring. I instilled a strict rule that I did not date my rope partners and it worked out great. Eventually I married a river man.
Don't you also want to trust the person you're boating with? :-).
Sends McGee · · Salt Lake City, UT · Joined Jul 2015 · Points: 15

What do you guys do when faced with logistical challenges, such as wanting to take trips to different places based on your own interests? Don't conflicts arise?

MT head · · Unknown Hometown · Joined Feb 2015 · Points: 0

Live by the rule opposites attract. Why would anyone want to date themselves?
Different views on life, activites and outlooks make it more of an adventure.
Dating or marrying someone with the same interests would get boring over time
IMO

Eric D · · Gnarnia · Joined Nov 2006 · Points: 235

I have been climbing for 16 years and my wife doesn't climb. Overall I would call it a very positive thing for our relationship. We have different interests, are our own people, and spending some time away from her when climbing makes me miss and appreciate her that much more.

edwardp33 · · Unknown Hometown · Joined Jun 2012 · Points: 0

I love my wife. She is awesome. She doesn't climb. It doesn't make her less awesome. She supports my climbing even though she has no interest in climbing. That makes her awesomer. Sure I wished she climbed with me and she probably wishes I had interest that I do not have. I am not sad about our differences. Such is marriage. Such is life.

Squeak · · Perth West OZ · Joined Feb 2016 · Points: 21
Hunter McPherson wrote:What do you guys do when faced with logistical challenges, such as wanting to take trips to different places based on your own interests? Don't conflicts arise?
My 2 main hobbies are skydiving and climbing, my wife does neither and has no interests in them. We organise our holidays a little differently to most. I usually spend time doing my thing ahead of her arriving. When she does arrive I spend time doing "US" things.
Granted I get a lot more leave time than many others and a lot of the time I have leave when my wife doesn't so I can do my thing often enough that it's not an issue to not be doing it when she is with me.
e.g. in 2019 Ill be in the USofA for 12 months, I will arrive about 4 weeks ahead of my wife, during that 4 weeks I will visit a few dropzones and do a bunch of skydiving.
When she does arrive we'll be driving around the USofA and hiking and camping (and I'll climb)for most of the year, with very little skydiving.
We'll have 28 years together this Saturday, so it seems to work for us. :)
rogerbenton · · Unknown Hometown · Joined Sep 2011 · Points: 210
reboot wrote: That's awesome, but... you'll eventually become empty nesters... It used to be that when I hear about relationships between passionate climbers/outdoors type and non-climbers/no interests in the outdoors, I can at least point to one successful coupleI knew well who were married for almost 20 years. Then the kids grew up, married and/or went to college. One day the husband found out the wife had started cheating on him. Long story short, he now dates a very outdoorsy type. Of course, 20 years ain't bad by today's standard, if you didn't think you were living under an illusion. Not saying your relationship will end up anywhere close to that, but raising a kid often masks relationship issues, given how often I hear divorces once the kids leave for college (& the conclusion of other temporary life events). But successful examples are good, given that statistically speaking, heterosexual male climbers are pretty much doomed relationship wise, if they can only find happiness w/ other climbers.
Raising a kid per se doesn't mask relationship issues, those issue can be swept under many rugs. Our kid growing up and leaving home isn't sneaking up on us. We have many, many plans for when we have our marriage back to ourselves. That's part of the whole "common goals" thing.

I think the biggest cause of the type of issues you are describing is poor communication:
Why did homeboy's wife step out on him?
Because she wasn't getting something she wanted.
Why not?
Homeboy had no clue she wanted that.
Why not?
Their lines of communication weren't robust enough to broach the subject. Either she couldn't bear to say what was on her mind or he couldn't bear to pick up on it.

Communication is not easy but it is central to understanding.

(I'll temper my diatribes with a full disclosure: I am actively trying to get Nikki to try climbing with me. It'll happen this year. No idea how/if she will take to it. Y'all wish a brother good luck!)
Emmanuel Lacoste · · Upland, CA · Joined Oct 2015 · Points: 6

I think everyone is different, but I have to agree that a good relationship is multi-faceted. With that said, my wife climbs too. She's not as intense as me, but we climb most weekends. (We have a six month now, so we seat at the based of routes a lot too.)

Like someone mentioned earlier, my wife isn't interested in leading, doesn't bother me, I love to lead anyways. She doesn't do approaches as fast or long as I would like, but I can save those for other partners.

While my wife and I do enjoy things that are not climbing, we also have some interest the the other doesn't enjoy.

My wife bouldering at the gym

Kellie O'Brien · · Ester, Alaska · Joined May 2016 · Points: 0

I'll clarify a bit. Though I was raised on rock I moved to Alaska for Alpine expedition climbing. It became obvious right away that on long trips sexual tensions can arise. Climbing with male partners who understood the parameters of our team, i.e. I was a teammate not a playmate, enabled me to be viewed as one of them, have decision making input and share tasks equally. But the times I had ventured out as a girlfriend to another teammate I was treated differently by everyone. The other mates would eventually wind up deferring to my BF when decisions were made, rather than incorporating my input, I noticed I got assigned tasks, especially cooking, and I was subtly left out of the comraderie and jokes, probably as a result, conscious or not, to be respectful to my BF. On long trips I became aware that I wasn't seen as an individual teammate but rather an extension of my BF. This happened again and again. Then, once out on a trip that had another couple all heck happened. Though the two went to bed a happy couple when they came out of the tent the next day there was a static in the air. It made everyone uncomfortable. As the day wore on it was obvious those 2 were wrapped up in a relationship discord, he was tense and snappy with the other guys and she started feeding that by flirting with other members, and it eventually infected us all. And their attention was no longer on the hazards of the glacier but on their passions and presumed slights. They were on the same rope and there was slack in the line and minds elsewhere and then an unseen crevasse. All was fine in the end, after our other teammate was extracted from the chasm he had fallen into because those 2 hadn't been paying attention. It was scary though. That cemented it for me. I never again climbed with a BF. Yes, friends and just plain ole rope mates can have discord but when it is a GF/BF situation it is so amplified and hard not to take things to that intensely personal level when feeling slighted. It is too easy for something small to get blown out of proportion.
I treat an expedition like a job. I trust that my coworkers know what they are doing, that their level of knowledge has progressed them to this point. And I expect to be seen in the same manner. Not as so-and-so's GF, who is responsible for me, but as my own individual self with a skill set equivalent to their own. And by removing that,"I'm a woman and you're a guy" element it cut out the hormone BS that does distract. I highly recommend the book High Altitude Woman by Jan Reynolds, especially to the ladies.

ClimbLikeAGirl · · Keene Valley · Joined Jun 2015 · Points: 15
Kellie O'Brien wrote:They were on the same rope and there was slack in the line and minds elsewhere and then an unseen crevasse. All was fine in the end, after our other teammate was extracted from the chasm he had fallen into because those 2 hadn't been paying attention.
Relationship meltdowns on mountaineering trips = hazardous to those around you

Relationship meltdowns at the crag = pure entertainment for those around you
Kellie O'Brien · · Ester, Alaska · Joined May 2016 · Points: 0
Klimbien wrote:Just a thought... What is going to happen if/when you can't climb anymore? Accident? Amputation? Iatrogenic renal failure? Arthritis? Etc etc etc.
Glad you asked, because something did happen that took me out of climbing for a long time. I had 3 kids and it put a halt to my alpine climbing for years. Childbearing is hell on a woman's body and then the time commitment to babies and toddlers did not allow me time for my endeavors. Luckily though, I had found other things that kept my spirit high. When I met my husband he was all about the rivers and though I've never become passionate about it like him it did give me a replacement for being on the rope. We floated through all my pregnancies and had the babes in a boat right away. As they grew older we did expedition floats and will always be a sport we can do as a family.
I did go through a period of depression missing my mountains, no lie. But my priorities changed as I aged and had a family. I also resented my guy a few times that he never had to stop what he loved doing just because we'd had a family but in fairness, he never told me to stop climbing. Finally as my last child grew out of the constant need for Mom stage I was able to get back into real climbing. It was just last year, and she was 5, that I went back on an expedition. But it was hard on my kids. We live in Alaska and they are aware intimately with the hazards of this wild land. You can rarely listen to a local news report without hearing of a hunter mauled by a bear, a hiker lost, a small plane down or a boat sank in the sea, ect. It happens almost every week. So when I flew out to the mountains they knew I might not return and that was hard on them-and me. But I did return. This Spring I was to lead a group into the mountains but canceled it due to Avalanche hazards but another group went in to the same area and triggered a slide. That was scary for my kids when the news came. But, again, they know we live in a dangerous place, it's all around us. So rather than live life in a sterile bubble we are teaching them to Live Life-to follow their passions and heart, but do it as safely and skillfully as possible. My family knows my heart is in the mountains and it's where I need to go to. And my life partner understands it too, though he has never climbed. Life is a balance and finding someone who pushes me out the door because he knows it makes me a better wife/mom when I return is more important than having him necessarily being out there with me. And when I really, truly can't climb anymore I won't worry because I've learned there are many other incredible facets of life.
Tony Schaps · · Chamonix France · Joined Apr 2012 · Points: 45

I agree with Kellie's perspective. None of my climbing partners have ever been other than a equal rope buddy. Any relationship wherein climbing was a factor has lead to destructive tense interactions while climbing that detract from and endanger the experience

Senor Gringo · · Albuquerque, NM · Joined Jan 2008 · Points: 20

I can't wait to see this article in the next issue of Climbing!

other · · San Diego, CA · Joined Apr 2006 · Points: 15

Read Tommy Caldwell’s book and be swayed to not date and particularly not marry a climber. Or at least not marry a bipolar person. And not stay married to a bipolar person for years. And not build a house for them only to have them cheat on you in it, then get it as a gift from the divorce.

Kyle Taylor · · Broomfield CO · Joined Sep 2017 · Points: 0

I’m an ex professional mountain biker. I still race and ride now. My wife has never and will never ride. It works because it’s my alone time and gives her alone time. We do climb together however- she’s pretty much my only climbing partner. Relationships are easy if you find the right person. It’s work at times, but it’s internal work in my opinion. The other needs to know you are trying and as long as they respect your efforts to pull your worth, all is well! Nothing beats marriage with the right person.

other · · San Diego, CA · Joined Apr 2006 · Points: 15
Mike Mellenthin wrote:

Are bipolar people not worthy of love?

No

Colonel Mustard · · Sacramento, CA · Joined Sep 2005 · Points: 1,241
Mike Mellenthin wrote:

Dang. Good thing I'm unipolar.

I’m tripolar.

I’m glad so many of you have this relationship thing in the bag. Big time jealous over here.
Tapawingo Markey · · Reno? · Joined Feb 2012 · Points: 75
Colonel Mustard wrote:

I’m tripolar.

I’m glad so many of you have this relationship thing in the bag. Big time jealous over here.

That’s the thing...you think you got it in the bag and the next day you wake up lonely, homeless, and get the FFA of the Dawn Wall, paid public speaking gigs, and signed to a book deal...

...that’s how this will work out right?

Guideline #1: Don't be a jerk.

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