Non-climbing spouse?

Im so screwed im getting married to a non climber in April 2011.....

I've been happily married to my non-climber/skier wife for 12 years...and we have two children (almost 9 and 6). When my wife and I met, she knew I was an avid skier, and I skied a lot when we were dating and continue to do so as often as I can. I didn't start climbing until we had been married for a couple years. My interest in climbing was the logical progression from simply climbing mountains, which I have done my whole life, even as a kid growing up in NH. One day I met a guy at work that was a climber and I told him I have always been interested in it, so he took me out and "showed me the ropes". We went to GSW in Castlewood Canyon, and I was hooked. The next week I had bought a rope, harness, shoes, and that was it.

My wife is a very understanding and encouraging person. She would never think of trying to persuade me to quit climbing and skiing, because she knows how important these things are to me even if she doesn't share that passion with me directly. She has her own interests, and I love that.

As has been stated by many, compromise is key. I cook most of the meals, do the dishes, help the kids with their homework, and even adjust my work schedule to be there when my family needs me, such as the kid's events or the wife's endeavors. Does it cut into my climbing soemtimes? Sure. But it makes me appreciate my days out at the crags that much more. As a result, I'm often planning my climbing and skiing around my family...not the other way around.

Besides, I've working on honing my two kids to be my climbing/skiing partners in the future. That's what it's all about for me now.

Tony B wrote:Men get married thinking she WON'T change. Women get married thinking that he WILL change.

Climbing is such an integral part of my life that I find it hard to fathom even dating anyone that doesn't climb (social climbers don't count), but then again I've never been interested in having kids. My previous boyfriend's waning interest in climbing drove the nail in the coffin for our relationship.

Married once. Divorced once. I prefer climbing.

All hope is never lost. I was married young (21 years old) and my co-worker introduced me to climbing about 6 months later. I immedeatly loved it and soon after tried to get my wife to join me. She said she would never go. So, I made a deal with her and told her I would stop eating meat if she started climbing with me (she was a vegetarian and I am very glad I am too now). I even had to buy her a pair of climbing shoes because she refused to wear the gym's rentals, not that I can blame her. Anyways, the first two times she went she HATED it. I explained to her that you always suck at first and convinced her to keep going. Four years later we are both still climbing avidly! She would never give it up now. To add to it she is pregnant with our first child and is still climbing with me (always on top rope). Good luck with your non-climbing spouses and don't puss out and run away from potential problems in your marriage. It's all about compromising.

Holy thread revival batman.

I think the issue with this is the same as everything marriage related. Nonbiking wife, non running wife, non climbing wife, non ham radio wife whatever.

Your spouse is supportive of your hobbies or not. It's sweet when you can share them but it doesn't always happen. Marriage and family is always a compromise (otherwise you'd be screwing other people and not raising children) but that doesn't mean the end of hobbies you love. The death of those hobbies comes when you stop communicating and working to find balance in your relationship. Your spouse should *want* you to be happy and be understanding of the things that make you happy. Otherwise why are you together?

6 years married to a climbing and biking but decidedly non-death marching wife. We do some stuff together, some stuff apart and we talk a lot about what we both want.

sorry for the anonymous c, but this is too close to home.

Sadly I started climbing halfway through my marriage. Spouse doesn't climb and has no interest. the problem is, all I want to do is climb. everything else in life is like watching TV on mute....

so, does anyone have any marriage counselors or therapists they can recommend in the Boulder/Golden/Denver area with experience addressing climbing issues? Unlike other posts, I disagree that climbing is like [insert sport here], and it is just a matter of balance. I've done [insert sport here] and it isn't even close. The addiction is real.

Got into climbing after meeting my wife, Been together for 17 years. Been climbing for 15 years (ice and alpine almost exclusivly). Didn't climb much the years we had our 3 kids or when I had to start my company. But now I have taken care of my responsibilites as a husband and father I get to climb all the time. I travel alot for climbing but always respectful of my families needs. Travel with them on non-climbing trips, encourage your spouse to find their passion. If you have a good woman (which I know I am lucky) she will know that this is what makes you, YOU!!! Too many married climbers just want to climb and not take care of their shit at home. Get your shit together, be a man, then it's time to climb. But be careful, its tough to find weekday alpine and ice partners!!!!

EDIT: Did you see how this thread was revived from 2 1/2 years ago. Ex wife saw ex husbands post. They never forget, be careful and choose wisely!!!!!!!!

A note from a “non-climbing” wife:

When I met my husband, Nick, he worked at a climbing gym but did not climb all that often. He was racing Ironman distance triathlon (same as me at the time) and climbing was something he did in addition to many other things. Nick quit triathlon soon after we were engaged and started to spend more time climbing. Then, right after we were married he injured his shoulder. All through our engagement and first year of marriage, I did not share him with the sport of rock climbing. However, in our second year of marriage his shoulder was healed and he was waking up in the wee hours of the morning to go climbing all day. I work evenings, so we would go days at a time without seeing each other. I would come home to find him asleep and when I awoke in the morning, he would be gone. Rock climbing or no rock climbing, this is not the type of marriage that any wife would want.

I don’t know anything about your “friend’s” marriage and I won’t pretend to, as all relationships are different and none can be summed up in an online forum post. However, I will share the solution to our problem:

I started climbing. Many people have advised me against taking up rock climbing to save my marriage, but it is what I did. I’ve always enjoyed the outdoors (hiking, sailing, kayaking, etc.) and to me climbing was just another hobby to pick up. I don’t have the same obsession that Nick does, but that is okay. I actually think it is better this way. We don’t argue over where to climb because we don’t have two separate agendas. We climb where Nick wants to climb and if there is an easy 5.6 close by, I’ll hop on it! We spent a few days in the Gunks last spring. Nick did about 15 climbs and took me up 2. I was happy as a clam!

This brings me to my next point. I’ve worked really hard on perfecting my belay technique. Sometimes we go places that don’t have any easy climbs and if you are married to a more serious climber, you need to find your role in these situations. You may just be out there to belay for the day. I’ve been laughed at by a few lady-climbers for being a “belay-bitch,” but I’m just happy to be outside and enjoying time with my husband. I’ll belay him all day if need-be.

I am an outdoor enthusiast. I still don’t call myself a “rock climber” because I lack the obsession that has been previously mentioned in this forum. I do tell everyone that my husband is a rock climber because I am incredibly proud of him. He is my mountain man and I love him to the ends of the earth (or to the tops of mountains in this case). If he were to quit climbing tomorrow and take up whitewater rafting, I’d go buy a life jacket. To me, it is not about what I’m doing, but who I am with.

Riley Rhoads wrote: it is not about what I’m doing, but who I am with.

I think climbing itself has little to do with the problems. You can substitute a lot of other activities which are lifestyle type activities - kayaking, weightlifting, track & field, cycling, running, hiking, bowling, volunteer organizations, fraternities such as the Elks or Freemasons. All these pursuits demand time away from your spouse for daily training and weekend competitions/events. There are also the special demands on the marriage in terms of things like special diets, financial commitments, physical wear and tear, crazy daily schedules, etc. If your particular activity does not interest your spouse, you'll be doing it alone and if they begin to feel they are playing second fiddle to that activity, there will be trouble. Your spouse is going to ask themselves "what is in this for me?" and rightfully so. If it is give and take - you climb and they golf - then they usually see the balance. If it is you climb and they sit home bored or watch the kids all day until you get home whereupon you ask for dinner and go to bed - BIG TROUBLE cause you climbing = miserable time for her. If you come home rejuvinated, with flowers and dinner, take the kids and send her to spend the evening blissfully soaking in hot tub (or whatever relaxes her) then they associate you climbing with good things happening. It's not the climbing they hate, it's what happens to your relationship and their life because of the activity. But whether it is climbing or horseback riding, the end result is the same.

I started climbing after 15 years of marriage. My wife is lukewarm on it. She's willing to belay, but she has no real aspirations to follow the climbign lifestyle. What helps me out is that 1. - our 10 yr old daughter loves to climb. 2. - I always come back in a great mood. 3. - I make sure to balance time and activities with her. Like someone else said - if I climb Sat, Sun is all about her. It really is not that hard to strike a balance with someone you love.

Truth:

Best options for peak redpointing ability:
1. No relationship
2. Bad relationship with non-climber (ditch her and climb!)

Best options for peak happiness:
1. Climber spouse

I think there may be a miraculous middle area where people have a good relationship with a very independent and mentally healthy non-climber that is happy to indulge you and your obsession.

There may also be a rare Caldwell-Rodden spousal situation where they are even good for each other's redpoint ability. Good luck if that is what you are after! And congrats if you have found it!

I just want to point out that Champion is one of the coolest cats on the planet; but mark my words, one day he will be kidnapped from his tent and forced to climb ice.

Granted, it may take a while for the unknown injection to wear off, (which gives me time during the uphaul) but that's why we bring multiple layers in the winter.

Marrying a great person is the most important thing.

18years, 4 kids, I climb all the time, my wife doesn't climb at all.

We have up's -n- down's but overall a very healthy marriage.

It helps that my kids climb, especially my 16 y.o. son.

My wife never hassles me at all.

It's important to marry a confident, well adjusted individual.

Everything else will fall into place.

I realize that I am extremely fortunate & everyday become more thankful. BTW.

RF

Didn't know about the divorce thing with those couples, that is too bad.

So anyway, I didn't mean to be childish(?) but I have been married twice and my experience is that having common interests with my wife is really good for my marriage.

Skiing may be even better than climbing though...

+1 Mike

"A wild animal will not live long in a cage."

If you are like me you need to climb. Climbing helps me stay centered in other areas of my life. Having kids did make it tougher, but as long as I can get a babysitter things are ok.

+1 congrats mike.

richard magill wrote: There may also be a rare Caldwell-Rodden spousal situation where they are even good for each other's redpoint ability. Good luck if that is what you are after! And congrats if you have found it!