Mountain Project Logo

Significant Other climbing with other climbing partners


Lena chita · · OH · Joined Mar 2011 · Points: 1,030
Mason Stone wrote: Climbing partners are climbing partners, relationships may develop as/into deeper relationships, but this does not necessarily mean sexual. Arroz and Chita provide excellent insight. You must be secure first about who you are with not who you are tied to. My perspective as usual is a little different, what if he has sex with his climbing partner, the younger woman, but wants to continue with you as significant other, or accepted that you might want to bed someone not him? This wed/tied to one person is what creates the insecurity/jealousy. Your wife or SO tied to you is western and Christian, the tradition has it that she is your property, you signed the contract, the reverse has been also accepted.
A person should be with you freely, not because of a kid or a ring, an institution or religion. They love you for you and will continue with you because of it. As mentioned by others, the bond is mutual, respectful, trustful and caring. The sex is part of it but not "the" thing you get from being together. 

I’m with you in this one, actually. Not many heterosexual couples discuss these sorts of things, and that’s too bad. 


The relationship = strictly monogamous sex is clearly not working for a lot of people, and how much angst is wrapped around the attempts to make it work, anyway  

SeƱor Arroz · · LA, CA · Joined Jan 2016 · Points: 10
whatever whatever wrote: While you should have faith in your partner, it is perfectly reasonable to feel weird about your partner repeatedly putting themselves in situations where feelings could be developing and an "oops" moment is likely - particularly if your partner is far away, you have not been intimate in a while, and you cannot check out the situation yourself.

With all due respect, there are so many assumptions in this. First, there's the assumption that fidelity and cheating mean the same thing to everyone. Every serious relationship needs to have a explicit agreement on what is and what is not okay in a relationship. There is no such thing as an IMPLICIT agreement on this. That's where so many relationships go wrong, by guessing rather than discussing. Second, we're all big kids here. There's really no such thing as "oops" in having sex with someone or other major transgressions of an agreement. If it's okay it's okay. Have a blast! If it's not, then you know what's going and and are just choosing not to uphold an agreement. Don't make agreements you don't intend to uphold. Don't make agreements with people you don't trust to uphold them.

Given that this is the women's forum I'd just add that I'm a man but I'm also a feminist. I think that for women to have equal access and rights in this world both men and women need to get over this puritanical idea that sexual attraction is some kind of malevolent force that must be fought by segregating men and women from each other whether climbing or working or at home. That's ridiculous. It's the same bullshit that results in women being dressed in head-to-toe hijab to protect MEN from being "distracted." 

· · Unknown Hometown · Joined unknown · Points: 0
Mason Stone wrote: Climbing partners are climbing partners, relationships may develop as/into deeper relationships, but this does not necessarily mean sexual. Arroz and Chita provide excellent insight. You must be secure first about who you are with not who you are tied to. My perspective as usual is a little different, what if he has sex with his climbing partner, the younger woman, but wants to continue with you as significant other, or accepted that you might want to bed someone not him? This wed/tied to one person is what creates the insecurity/jealousy. Your wife or SO tied to you is western and Christian, the tradition has it that she is your property, you signed the contract, the reverse has been also accepted.
A person should be with you freely, not because of a kid or a ring, an institution or religion. They love you for you and will continue with you because of it. As mentioned by others, the bond is mutual, respectful, trustful and caring. The sex is part of it but not "the" thing you get from being together. 

It was only a matter of time before some guy would twist this into a climbing partner harem fantasy.

stolo · · Shelby, NC · Joined Sep 2016 · Points: 220

If you have mentioned to your partner that this bothers you and he continues to do it, you should probably find someone else bc he clearly doesn't care about your feelings and your needs to feel secure in your relationship (which you should).

Spending time alone with a member of the opposite sex while married/engaged is opening up risk in your relationship. Yea sure, you won't just cheat on your partner after 5 minutes alone with someone else, but as time is spent with another person, bonds form, and something could happen - better to not give that door the opportunity to be opened. Climbing forms strong bonds with partners, my wife wouldn't want me climbing (or doing anything) with another girl all alone together all day... and me would't want her doing the same with a guy, we trust each other, but taking that last step gives you one more way to protect your relationship.

· · Unknown Hometown · Joined unknown · Points: 0
Mason Stone wrote: Hi Mae Rae,
Lovely to see you chiming in. Am not opposed to polygamy, if it is legal. Go ahead twist away. Let me be more clear, I am for open relationships, those discussed with the parties involved, what I do or who I do is none of your business, same for me. The only relationship any of us posting have is trading discussions on the inter webs and maybe roping up, which I would gladly do with anyone, if they have a mind to (although I prefer the person is able to lead at least 5.9). Ideologies aside, we are here through climbing that's what is cool about this forum. If I saw you on the rock, were hurt or needed help and someone said that's Mae Rae, I would still do everything possible to help you. That's the human contract and the climbing contract, one we never signed but people believe in. I have yet to see someone in need be denied by climbers. Your situation may be different. When I post I am sharing my perspective, which works for me, yes I hope it helps someone think differently. Selfishly, maybe others like we, because I believe you are in the same category of different as I am, won't be harassed quite as much since we seem to be just as much part of the human condition as anyone else. And, that's why I share, the OP and others might feel better if she thought differently about human relationships, as mentioned above twist away.

lol

Polygamy is not legal anywhere in the US, although it's tolerated in a few parts of Utah. So you probably could work it in with some good climbing.

But otherwise .... um, yeah .... consenting adults and all that.  Enjoy your harem!
Merlin · · Grand Junction · Joined Mar 2006 · Points: 10
Abs Zen wrote:Hey Ladies - 
Just curious to hear your insights and experiences and also looking for advice. You bond with your climbing partner significantly during climbs and a big level of trust is created after all you are trusting them your life to belay you. Plus when you have accomplished that climb, they are the first person you share your sheer joy and high-five with. If that climbing partner is not your significant other, what are the odds of developing much more than just a climbing relationship? 
Since this seems to be a growing concern on some of us ladies here about our significant others climbing with other climbing partners, I want to understand what are the etiquette on when it is not okay to have a regular climbing partner of the opposite sex? When is it really OFF-LIMITS? I have seen two healthy relationships disintegrate when one of the partners climbed with somebody other than their own. Yes, a healthy marriage disintegrated when one partner stayed home caring for the newborn while her husband climbed with another member of opposite sex. If if it can happen to a healthy marriage, it can happen to anybody. 
I completely trust my fiance but being in a long distance relationship I worry about his regular climbing partner of opposite sex. I dont want him to not have a good climbing partner but the bond grows and when you are belaying for multiple climbs consistently you spend a significant amount of time bonding, sharing stories, etc and not to mention look at the butt of the person you are belaying. My fiance tells me everyday about the stories his climbing partner shares like her 4 newborn kittens, etc or who her room mate is dating, etc. Plus she is 15 years younger to him and I suspect has a crush on him.  I dont want him to not climb with her but I dont want him to climb with her every single time for hours together. 
Any advice? thoughts?

Admin: Please feel free to remove this post if not appropriate. 

My wife of 15 years feels exactly the same way about me  potentially hanging out with a 25 year old woman, day after day, as I would about her doing the same with a 25 year old man.  You aren't going to find any answers here you don't already have. No one's advice is particularly germane to your situation.  You have to ask yourself what your boundaries are, then communicate them.  Discuss them.  Lack of communication is the real marriage killer.  If it turns out that you two are orthogonal to each other on the issue then move on. Resentment, in the end, is a real relationship killer and we only get one go around to make it right.


Fortunately for me, my wife is my partner and we spend our time hiking, climbing, and camping together.  Personally?  I need a partner in the outdoors to be happy.  I've got plenty of friends who do a lot with people other than their spouses including people of the opposite sex and they stay together and are happy.  Its all about what works for you, we all think and react differently. Draw your own lines.
Paul Hutton · · Kansas City, MO · Joined Mar 2012 · Points: 740
michael s... wrote: If climbing with someone else results in a relationship ending, I doubt the climbing was the issue.

A lot of people climb for social nonsense. They climb 2 pitches and gossip for the rest of the session. Fuckin stupid. I rarely see anyone bagging pitch after pitch in a group of 4+, without their wireless speakers blaring obnoxious music. Climb to escape the worries of your relationship. I just had a belationship turn romantic and then soon fell apart. It sucks that I wasn't happy with her conduct and couldn't stomach being around her anymore, but my love for being on a tranquil cliff helped me get over that relationship that had it's good times. Socialism and drama is what causes the controversy in climbing. It's supposed to be a fun, positive thing. 

Nate Doyle · · Sierra Foothills · Joined Feb 2016 · Points: 39
Merlin wrote: [It's] all about what works for you, we all think and react differently. Draw your own lines.

Yes, it's all about what works for you. And, at the same time, it's all about what works for him. Draw your own lines, sure, but allow him to draw his own too. If those lines run mostly parallel your paths will be heading in the right direction and togeather. You'll continue to meet at the same stations while you travel on the train that is life (I love metaphors.) If not, and your tracks diverge (merge?) and there is a crash, well, hey, that's how it goes sometimes.

P.s. assuming no relationship rules (yours and his alone) have been broken, cheating for example, I think this is your problem, not his. You should own it before you pass the buck. If this ruins your relationship then it's mostly your doing. You can ask but, if you demand, well, be prepaid for turmoil and resentment moving forward and expect it to rear its ugly head in other ways and at times that seem random and out of context. Of course, he may just dump you. I probably would ( I hate being accused of stuff I haven't done and like having friends of my own choosing, sorry; not sorry.) Then again, he could want to please you and you alone, some men (people) are like that, so it could be all good in the lonelyhood. Good luck!

JSH · · Unknown Hometown · Joined Apr 2007 · Points: 1,028
Mason Stone wrote: My perspective as usual is a little different, what if he has sex with his climbing partner, the younger woman, but wants to continue with you as significant other, or accepted that you might want to bed someone not him? This wed/tied to one person is what creates the insecurity/jealousy. Your wife or SO tied to you is western and Christian ....

I agree with you in general theory, that relationships are what the consenting adults in them decide they are, and none of us should judge (which also means that you shouldn't look down on monogamous couples as "so western and Christian", by the way)

But that's not what's going on here.  If he wants to open the relationship, he needs the consent part first.  And if she wants him not to climb with women, well, she needs to enlist him in that agreement.  Maybe if they talk to each other, about what they need and what they fear, they'll both come to some sort of agreement, the kind that works for them.
Chalk in the Wind · · Unknown Hometown · Joined Aug 2014 · Points: 3

More perspective from a man's experience:

You need to air this out, preferably not in a way that sounds like an accusation or turns into a fight, though of course that's more easily said than done. I have been through this, though I was the one climbing with the attractive, much-younger member of the opposite sex (and my wife does not climb and has no interest in it).

It's not MP's business to know the details, but my wife came to suspect there was at the least a mutual infatuation, and she confronted me about this. To be fair, although nothing physical was going on, there might have been an incipient emotional affair, and since my marriage wasn't in a great place at the time and I suspected my partner's wasn't, either, the potential for real trouble was there. Some difficult conversations/arguments ensued, but in the end, things worked out okay.

Now, my wife understands that I prefer climbing with women and that most of my climbing partners are and have been women ranging from much younger to several years older, married and single, and some quite attractive. Some I've climbed and camped with out of state, though we've never shared a tent. But I've also listened and made sure I am both not giving her reasons to worry and being a better husband when we are together.

So you two need to talk, and you need to see if you can hear each other, reassure each other, and trust each other. And maybe you won't be able to and the relationship ends. But internalizing it is going to eat you up and damage your relationship in any event.

My marriage actually got stronger after all this.

· · Unknown Hometown · Joined unknown · Points: 0

It's good that we are having this discussion where the OP's climber fiance has no chance of seeing it.

Trad Princess · · Not That Into Climbing · Joined Jan 2012 · Points: 1,175
Mae Rae wrote: It's good that we are having this discussion where the OP's climber fiance has no chance of seeing it.

I know right?  I mean do they even read bro?!?

mediocre · · Unknown Hometown · Joined Jul 2013 · Points: 0
Paul Hutton wrote:

A lot of people climb for social nonsense. They climb 2 pitches and gossip for the rest of the session. Fuckin stupid. I rarely see anyone bagging pitch after pitch in a group of 4+, without their wireless speakers blaring obnoxious music. Climb to escape the worries of your relationship. I just had a belationship turn romantic and then soon fell apart. It sucks that I wasn't happy with her conduct and couldn't stomach being around her anymore, but my love for being on a tranquil cliff helped me get over that relationship that had it's good times. Socialism and drama is what causes the controversy in climbing. It's supposed to be a fun, positive thing. 

Was tis intentional or do you not know what socialism is?

Paul Hutton · · Kansas City, MO · Joined Mar 2012 · Points: 740

Socialising. Whatever braj. I felt that slap on the hand

mediocre · · Unknown Hometown · Joined Jul 2013 · Points: 0
Paul Hutton wrote: Socialising. Whatever braj. I felt that slap on the hand

No slap on the hand, more like a jab to the shoulder. 

And I'm older than you so its dude to you.
Chalk in the Wind · · Unknown Hometown · Joined Aug 2014 · Points: 3
Mae Rae wrote: It's good that we are having this discussion where the OP's climber fiance has no chance of seeing it.

Well, it's the women's forum, so he won't be reading this.

Tradiban · · Unknown Hometown · Joined Apr 2004 · Points: 11,460

Im positive a 3some will solve this.

With many belay devices you can belay 2 people at the same time.

Paul Hutton · · Kansas City, MO · Joined Mar 2012 · Points: 740
mediocre wrote:

No slap on the hand, more like a jab to the shoulder. 

And I'm older than you so its dude to you.

You don't manifest your age. Ouch. My bad sir. 

Nate Doyle · · Sierra Foothills · Joined Feb 2016 · Points: 39
Tradiban wrote: Im positive a 3some will solve this.

With many belay devices you can belay 2 people at the same time.

You wish, Silent Partner Guy!

· · Unknown Hometown · Joined unknown · Points: 0
Tradiban wrote: Im positive a 3some will solve this.

With many belay devices you can belay 2 people at the same time.

Twin ropes and guide mode saved my marriage.

Guideline #1: Don't be a jerk.

Women's Forum
Post a Reply to "Significant Other climbing with other climbing…"

There is ZERO tolerance for being a jerk in the Women's Forum.

Log In to Reply