Jokes


Original Post
s.price · · PS,CO · Joined Dec 2010 · Points: 1,348

I put this in lost and found because it often seems many here have lost their sense of humor. Thought maybe a thread full of jokes might help some out there find it again.

A woman is in court for having beat her musician boyfriend to death with his guitar collection.

After perusing the docket the judge says to her " First offender I see."

"No your honor", she replies. "First it was a Gibson, then a Martin, then a Fender."

This community has got to be full of good jokes.
Post em up!

FrankPS · · Atascadero, CA · Joined Nov 2009 · Points: 275

A man goes into a cardiologist's office.

Cardiologist asks what's wrong.

The man says, "Doctor, I think I am a moth."

The cardio says, "You don't need a cardiologist, you need a psychiatrist."

The man says, "I know."

The cardiologist says, "If you know, why did you come in here?"

Man says, "Well, the light was on..." (groan)

SinRopa · · parts unknown · Joined Sep 2013 · Points: 50

Do you hear about the new pirate movie coming out?

It's rated arrrrrr.

awolf · · New York, NY · Joined Feb 2014 · Points: 5

How do astronomers organize parties?

It's easy, they just planet

Dyllon W. · · Unknown Hometown · Joined Feb 2017 · Points: 0

A women was watching the news and saw that there was a madman driving down the wrong side of the road. In alarm she called her husband saying "Honey, there's a psycho driving down the wrong side of the road " Her husband said "It's worse than that, honey, there are hundreds of people driving on the wrong side of the road"

Jim Fox · · Westminster, CO · Joined Jun 2014 · Points: 40

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef....

Jason Todd · · Cody, WY · Joined Apr 2012 · Points: 953

Why do lawyers wear neck ties?

Keeps their foreskins from popping up.

BigB · · Red Rock, NV · Joined Feb 2015 · Points: 340

There were 11 blondes and one brunette on a rope climbing up a mountain. The rope began slipping and breaking.
The brunette said, ''Girls, I'm going to let go of the rope since it can't hold all of us. Your lives are more important to me." She made a big speech about how special the blondes were.
At the end of her speech, all of the blondes started clapping.

Jack C. · · Calgary, AB · Joined Mar 2013 · Points: 325

A zebra walks into a bar, fixing to get drunk. The bartender hooks him up and, after finishing the bottle of whiskey given to him by the bartender, he passes out on the floor.

A giraffe walks into the bar and sees the zebra unconscious on the ground. He looks up at the bartender and asks "who's that lyin' there on the floor?"

Bartender busts out laughing and says "that's not a lion. That's a zebra."

s.price · · PS,CO · Joined Dec 2010 · Points: 1,348

Man walks into a bar and notices a high dollar pen laying on the floor.
He picks it up and says to the only guy sitting there "Is this your pen?"

He hands it to the guy who grabs a napkin and starts writing on it.

"Sure is my pen", he replies. "That's my handwriting".

s.price · · PS,CO · Joined Dec 2010 · Points: 1,348

What do you have if you are holding one mothball in each hand?

One huge moth.

Cor · · Unknown Hometown · Joined Mar 2006 · Points: 1,455

What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?

Dictator!

Hobo Greg · · Unknown Hometown · Joined Mar 2016 · Points: 110

What's the difference between a really nasty, gross bus terminal and a crab with huge boobs?

Ones a crusty bus station, the other is a busty crustacean!

John Barritt · · OKC · Joined Oct 2016 · Points: 1,053

A guy and his friend go fishing, they cross a creek on the way to the fishin' hole.

After several hours fishing and a bottle of whiskey they head back to the truck after dark. Reaching the creek they discover it has risen and they can't wade across.

The first drunk guy says "Hey I have a idea, I'll shine the flashlight across and you can walk across on the beam" "Then you shine yours an I'll walk over"

Second guy says "Heck no! I'll get hafway across and you'll turn off tha light"

Firestone · · California · Joined Nov 2015 · Points: 509

In the interest of time I'll post my three favorite jokes.
I've got two short jokes and one long joke.

Joke

Joke

Jooooooooooke!

John Barritt · · OKC · Joined Oct 2016 · Points: 1,053

Riddle.....

What's the difference between a sport climber and hemmoriods?

Nothing, they're both a pain in the rear!

BigB · · Red Rock, NV · Joined Feb 2015 · Points: 340

What's the difference between a Climber and a Golfer?

Golfer goes: Whack, Shit! Climber goes : Shit, WHACK!

JimL · · Unknown Hometown · Joined Feb 2011 · Points: 20

Guide is out with a long time client. Guide starts racking up for a difficult pitch, shuffling through his pack and pulls out his red shirt. Client asks him why he always seems to pull out the same red shirt on harder pitches. Guide tells him its in case he falls, gets hurt, if he starts bleeding all over the place it will be less of a shock to the client. Later that day, on a particularly hard pitch, the guide shuffles through his pack again. "Shit" he says. Client asks whats wrong, noting that he already has his red shirt on. Guide says, "forgot my brown pants."

t.farrell · · New York, NY · Joined Aug 2016 · Points: 60
BigB wrote:There were 11 blondes and one brunette on a rope climbing up a mountain. The rope began slipping and breaking. The brunette said, ''Girls, I'm going to let go of the rope since it can't hold all of us. Your lives are more important to me." She made a big speech about how special the blondes were. At the end of her speech, all of the blondes started clapping.
Were they not tied in?
Cor · · Unknown Hometown · Joined Mar 2006 · Points: 1,455

What's the difference between a guide and a large pizza?

Large pizza feeds a family of four.

Creed A · · Salt Lake City, UT · Joined Apr 2012 · Points: 740

You go to a party with a hundred strangers. One of them lives in a van and climbs all the time. How do you know which one?

He'll tell you.

Guideline #1: Don't be a jerk.

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