In Honor of 5.10 Day

In the beginning God created haven and earth, he separated the sea and land, he heaved up the earth and in his infinite wisdom he created the mountains, (with the help of tectonic plates of course). These mountains towered above the creatures in the forest, plains, grasslands, and even the Midwest. He saw his mountains and with a sip of his newly created single malt he declared that they were high and good and that no mountain shall exceed 5.9 in difficulty that all men of all tribes and nations (even Packer Fans) could scale his magnificent peaks and know that they are good and celebrate in their goodness with single malt and know too that it was good, and so on.
For ages and ages the men of the world lived in a Garden of Eden and made trips to the hills, single malt in hand to know the goodness of their god. Occasionally the men of the earth had disagreements and fought but they all understood the camaraderie of the hills. All was as it should be in the land of the chosen people, that is until one day when a contentious debate broke out among two devout and learned climbers regarding the intent of the creator.
Mesnerus and Maistius engaged in a quarrel over who could climb the highest, launching their tribes into the Great War of First Accents. The tribes divided the globe into peaks to be conquered in the name of god and country, fame and glory. As the years passed and the wars wages on peak after peak fell to their hunger for firsts. As the war intensified ethics deteriorated and the Genevan Mountain Convention was violated like a Eunice on Mardi Gras. The most serious violation fell upon Maistius who was accused of using Weapons of Mass Ascension, and then perjury for lying about it. Charges of mass bolting and oxygen tanks were leveled upon climbers of all nations. In their greed they Conquered all the mountains of the worlds except one and when it finally fell the climbers had forgotten why they were climbing in the first place, all that was left was the excuse that “it was there” now you drink a beer with lunch because “its there”, you sit on a bench because “its there”, you don’t defile gods greatest creations because they are “there.”
All of this greatly angered God, who had intended that his mountains be climbed for enjoyment not for glory. He thought that at last the war would end but no. Man had sought after harder and harder faces, steeper and steeper cliffs and overhanging ice? In search of harder and harder routes, God did not create Routes for his people, and he intended that all mountains be for the people and that they be 5.9 or easier. The first sport climbers were smited by god for their insolence, but the evil of man knows no bounds, and their tracery to overthrow the intentions of the lord was fueled by the evils of Technology. New nylon ropes made of evil synthetic materials and ungodly smelting of aluminum known as friends pushed the climbers to harder and harder routes ever angering God who did his best to hold back the torrent of insolent climbers. Some found their cracks widened mid pitch by gods anger, others found their Nylon ropes melted by the fury of the sun.
Another small cult of false Idol worshipers bowed before the Boulder and these strange climbers had turned their back on the evil ways of the mountaineers. They invented their own rating system further angering God. They refused to enjoy the Beauty of the mountains and brought hackysacks, dogs, and evil chemicals to their crags.
When God had had enough of this defilement he spoke to the masses through a tsunami engulfing lowland crags, announcing an urgency for the need to climb mountains again by their easiest rout possible, or die, the last time he did this it worked, all the sport climbers were swept away except one, that sally Noah and his sport climbers barge of bolts and hippy collection of animals. The next tsunami is coming and it is aimed at sport crags everywhere, global warming caused by all the hot air bromating of sport climbers will melt glaciers and flood crags purifying the land of all that wont or cant climb 5.8, and I mean fast, alpine style 30 pitches in a day, cause that’s all the time we will have, and this time there wont be time to build any boats.

TL;DR

Sorry Chris, I forgot to mention that I didn't write this, just reposting like I do every year. Great stuff lives on.

The Best Shoes out there.

Bump.

Tradiban wrote: In the beginning God created haven and earth, 

Did he create "haven" or "heaven"?

FrankPS wrote:

Did he create "haven" or "heaven"?

Thanks for bumping my thread spelling Nazi. I don't know, I didn't write it.

Tradiban wrote:

Thanks for bumping my thread spelling Nazi. I don't know, I didn't write it.

"It's not my fault." Way to take responsibility!

FrankPS wrote:

"It's not my fault." Way to take responsibility!

Yawn. Lame attempt at crossposting.

Someone needs attention again.  Yawn.

Tradiban wrote:

Yawn. Lame attempt at crossposting.

Crossposting... sounds kinky!

Bill Kirby wrote:

Crossposting... sounds kinky!

Cross-posting is just a fad, it will fade away.