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I need some new jokes... Please help.


njsmail · · Unknown Hometown · Joined Jan 2009 · Points: 5

The little boy comes up stairs crying, and mother asks "what happened"? the little boy tells her that his daddy dropped a piece of coal on his foot while he was building the fire. Mother says "thats nothing to cry about, you should have laughed about it" the little boy says: "I did!"

saxfiend · · Decatur, GA · Joined Nov 2006 · Points: 4,225

What were Christa McAuliffe's last words?

"What does this button do?"

JL

saxfiend · · Decatur, GA · Joined Nov 2006 · Points: 4,225

Mickey Mouse filed for divorce, and it went to court. The judge said, "Mr. Mouse, do I understand you to say you want a divorce from Mrs. Mouse because she is crazy? I'm sorry, Mr. Mouse, but insanity is not grounds for divorce."

Mickey replied, "No, no, no, your honor, I've had to explain this a dozen times. I didn't say she's crazy, I said she's fucking Goofy!"

JL

saxfiend · · Decatur, GA · Joined Nov 2006 · Points: 4,225

There was this Texan who thought there was nothing in the world bigger or better than Texas. Somebody told him Alaska was bigger but he didn't believe it. Finally, after hearing this so many times, he decided he had to find out for himself, so he went to Alaska.

After spending just a few days in the state, the Texan was convinced that Alaska really was the biggest and best, so he decided he had to be a part of it. In a bar one night, he stood up and shouted, "By God, I'm from Texas and I want to become an Alaskan! What do I got to do?"

The natives laughed and told him he couldn't just become an Alaskan, he had to be born there. But the Texan got drunker and more insistent, so a group of natives put their heads together. After much smirking, they approached the Texan.

"Okay, big guy, if you really want to be an Alaskan, you've got to do three things. First, you have to drink this pint of rotgut whisky in one swallow. Then, you've got to go make love to an Eskimo woman. And finally, you've got to wrestle a Kodiak bear."

"Hot damn, you're on!" the Texan yelled. He proceeded to chug the bottle of whisky in one swallow, at which point he could barely stand up. The natives maneuvered him to the door and shoved him out into the night, figuring that was the last they'd ever see of him.

One night a week or so later, some of the natives were sitting around smirking about the Texan, when suddenly, he burst through the door. He was covered with dried blood, his clothes were ripped to shreds, and one ear was almost chewed off. The Texan staggered to the center of the room and shouted:

"All right, boys -- where's that Eskimo woman I'm s'posed to rassle?"

JL

matt davies · · Unknown Hometown · Joined Mar 2007 · Points: 25

A young sailor was about to sign up for a 6 month stint on a sailing ship, but was hesitant because he knew there would be no women aboard and he had the usual desires of a healthy young man. He asked the salty old captain about it, and he replied, "Don' ye worry about it lad, we'll make sure yer needs are taken care of."
After about 2 weeks at sea, the young sailor has a bone that won't go away, and he asks the captain what to do about it.
"Aye lad, here's a key. Go open the door below the ladder. In there ye will find a barrel. Remove the bung from the hole and insert yer manhood. It's good fer what ails ya."
The young man found the door, removed the bung, inserted his prick, and got his rocks off in record time with an intensity he had never before known. It was SOOO good that he continued to ask the captain for the key to the barrel room for the next five nights.
He asked again on the sixth, to which the captain replied- "Not tonight laddie, its your turn in the barrel."

RickThalacker · · Unknown Hometown · Joined Jan 2006 · Points: 5

one for the kids

what's the difference between a snowman and a snowwomen?

snowballs

Geoff123 · · Lakewood, CO · Joined Nov 2009 · Points: 10

One day out on the farm the owner of the farm goes to his 13 year old son and says, "Son, take this last duck to town and sell it so we can buy our cow some food."

The son agrees to, and as he is walking down the road he passes by a woman. The woman says to the boy, "Son I will fuck you for that duck."

Not thinking, the boy agrees, and they go off in the woods and fuck. When they got done the woman says to the boy, "WOW that was good, I'll give that duck back if you do it again."

So the boy agrees, and they do it again. Well when they get done the boy gets his duck, puts it back on the leash, and starts leading it down the road. When he gets about half way to town a truck comes through and runs over the boy's duck. The truck driver stops, jumps out, and says to the boy, "Son I'm sorry about your duck. Here's 10 dollars."

So the boy takes the money and goes back home. When he gets there he finds his dad, and his dad asks him how he did. The boy says, "Well dad, I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck and 10 bucks for a fucked up duck!"

Jay Karst · · Golden · Joined Oct 2007 · Points: 65

what is the difference between a vaccuum & a Telimark skier?
1) how the dirtbag is attached
2) the vaccuum has a switch to stop sucking

JML · · Unknown Hometown · Joined May 2009 · Points: 30
stredna wrote: with all do respect, if you dont like it, leave.
With all due respect, learn how to spell.
Kirk Cameroon · · Unknown Hometown · Joined Feb 2010 · Points: 5

Evolution

Garrett R. · · Colorado · Joined Oct 2008 · Points: 40

-How many raft guides does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

They don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in filthy sleeping bags.

-What's the difference between a hockey player and a female raft guide?

The hockey player showers after three periods.

matt davies · · Unknown Hometown · Joined Mar 2007 · Points: 25

How many telemarkers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Ten, one to screw in the lightbulb, nine to stand around and say "nice turns".

Brother Numsie · · AnCapistan · Joined Jan 2006 · Points: 880
saxfiend wrote:What were Christa McAuliffe's last words?
What was the last thing to go through her mind?

Her asshole.
Brother Numsie · · AnCapistan · Joined Jan 2006 · Points: 880

So the other day my wife comes up to me and says her credit card got stolen.
I go online to cancel the card, but decide not to.
It seems the thief is actually spending less, so I'm coming out ahead.

Brother Numsie · · AnCapistan · Joined Jan 2006 · Points: 880

My wife's cooking is so bad the flies pitched in to fix the screen.

Brother Numsie · · AnCapistan · Joined Jan 2006 · Points: 880

I was such an ugly baby that when I was I was born, the Dr. slapped my mother.

Brother Numsie · · AnCapistan · Joined Jan 2006 · Points: 880

If a man is alone in the forest, without any women, is he still wrong?

Joel M · · Brevard, NC · Joined Nov 2008 · Points: 35

What's the difference between a raft guide and a cat fish?
- one has whiskers and smells funny, the other is a fish.

What's the difference between a female raft guide and a cat fish?
- one has whiskers and smells funny, the other is a fish.

Kev007 · · Unknown Hometown · Joined Oct 2004 · Points: 40

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.

Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
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While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice. 'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

He's still in intensive care.

no1nprtclr · · Front range Colorado · Joined Oct 2006 · Points: 55

So a family is on vacation when the wife tells the husband she and the kids want to go shopping. He asks her if she wouldn't mind, that he would like to hang out at the local bar for a beer or two while they shop. She says no problem, meet up with you after we're done.

Taking a seat at the bar, he notices a horse at the end of the bar. He asks the bartender when ordering a beer, "Hey, what's with the horse?"
Bartender tells him, "There's a bet that if you can make the horse laugh you win $50 and all you can drink."

He thinks about it a few minutes, then walks up to the horse and whispers into its ear. The horse nearly falls on the floor laughing.

Bartender tells the guy, "Holy crap, no one's ever made the horse laugh before."

Next year, family is on vacation. Same scene: family wants to go shopping. Again, the guy goes to the same watering hole while they shop.

He notices the same horse at the end of the bar. When the bartender gets his beer, he asks him, "I was here last year, horse is still there. Same bet, to make the horse laugh?"

"No no partner, the bartender smirks. This time you need to make the horse cry in order to win the bet."

Thinking a minute while enjoying his beer. When done, he ambles up to the horse. They both proceed to the back room....

A few minutes later the guy is leading the crying horse, arm around it's neck back to the bar.

The bartender retorts to the fella, "What the hell? Last year you come in here and make the damn horse laugh. This year you make it cry. What the hell have you done?!"

The guy finishing his beer, "Last year I told the horse I had a bigger dick than he did. This year, I showed him!"

Guideline #1: Don't be a jerk.

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