climbing deal breakers rock and ice article, translated

so some pretentous turd wrote a long list of mostly non-safety related things that will make the author never climb with the offending party. I translated a lot of these with an equal amount of snark as the author

http://www.rockandice.com/lates-news/climbing-deal-breakers

Topropes with Extraneous Gear on their harness.
You don’t need an ATC, belay gloves, nut tool and/or random single locker for toproping. What the hell are you going to use any of that stuff for? Double-negative CDB if you’re in the climbing gym.
Translation: I hate people that are prepared for unforeseen needs of biners, I also have an uncontrollable OCD thing that makes me need to have all items organized on a racking loop when not in use.

Has biceps tattoos (barbed wire, tribal glyphs, interwoven flowers, dancing bears, etc.) pierced nipples (female exception), hemp anklets or massive wooden ear-lobe plugs.
Translation: I hate having any attention (especially mine) drawn to dudes with nicer biceps than mine. Also, nipple piercings are only OK on women because they are only sex objects. Dudes are forbidden from drawing my attention to their sweet nipples.

Has Dave Graham’s 8a.nu scorecard as their web browser’s home page.
Translation: I hate when people have things that motivate them

Plays any of the following at camp or in the parking lot:
Harmonica. Didgeridoo. Triangle. Rainstick. Harp. Guitar. Sitar. Kazoo-flute-plastic-thing.Accordion.
Translation: I hate live music

Drinks mate at the crag from one of those gourd/straw things.
Translation: I hate reusable items, people who have reusable drinking vessels are sanctimonious, I only climb with people who drink hot beverages from paper cups with plastic lids, and cold beverages in red plastic cups.

Wears Crocs, Chacos, Dansko clogs or those five-toed rubber shoe things. Birkenstock clogs are on the cusp of inclusion. It all comes down to whether you have the style to pull them off. I do; you probably do not.
Translation: I think am super cool, my choice in ugly footwear is allowed, but your is shit. I am cool, you suck.

Wears manpris. Why are manpris on the CDB list? Put on a pair and stand in front of a mirror. That metrosexual poseur you see? Yeah, that’s you.
Translation: I need to feel better about my boring pants, so I make fun of yours

Dudes cuffing their jeans up to manpri-length. See above.
Translation: also see above

Hollers non-native language encouragements such as “Allez,” “Venga” or “Jiyo” to partners.
Translation:
I dont know what those words mean, so I dont like hearing them

Sports the no-shirt/beanie combo (female exception)
Translation: Women are not allowed to see dudes without shirts, but I get to see boobies. I like objectifying women

Has Canadian flags sewn onto their pack.
Why do Canadians think anyone gives a shit that they are from Canada? My friend Kolin is the worst Canadian-flag transgressor I have ever come across. His chalk bag, his coffee mug, his camp chair are all covered in Canadian flags, yet where does he live and work? The good ol’ U.S. of A. I keep calling the INS and hopefully someday soon I’ll be able to get him and his goddamn Canadian flag-covered shit deported.
Translation: MERICA is the only country whose denizens are allowed to be patriotic. MURICA! FK YEAH! WHOOOO

Has (or ever had) a “Climbers for Kerry” sticker on their helmet.
Translation: I resent people that have political beliefs, (yet I am somehow convinced that the USA is the best, see above)

Has (or ever had) a “Canadian Girls Kick Ass” sticker on their helmet.
Translation: see 2 above

Considers self a “major contributor” to an online climbing forum/message board.
Translation: writers of columns in climbing mags are clearly superior to forum posuers I mean posters

Uses eco-colored chalk and/or a chalk ball. And, no, making either of those items yourself does not make it OK. Basic loose chalk—use it.
Translation: I like smearing my ugly white shit all over pristine rock. Everyone else also likes seeing climbers chalk marks everywhere, we should as a group make the world less natural looking

Has a pet named Denali, Lhotse, Makalu or Sharma.
Translation: I am too self centered to keep a pet, so I resent seeing that other people get joy from an animal companion

Kneebars on a warm-up. If you really need to kneebar to do a move on a warm-up, you aren’t warming up.
Translation: I think that working muscles that are used in climbing is not a good way to warm up

Updates Facebook or 8a.nu scorecard on smartphone while at the crag.
Translation: I am so lazy that only climb at places with 4G network access, but I still want to pretend that I am in the wilderness

Screams on moves while dogging a route, toproping or in the gym (or all three).
Translation: I hate seeing people try their hardest on a route, it makes me feel insecure

Stick clips. Ranks right up there with daisy chains. How, when and why did stick clipping become so damn common? Unless there is some terrifying consequence if you blow the first clip, you do not need a stick clip. A stick clip is not, and never has been, a mandatory piece of climbing equipment, so don’t make one, don’t bring one to the crag and don’t swap route-specific stick-clipping beta. Just sac up and lead it.
Translation: I think other people should take exactly the same level of risk as me, no more, no less.

Goes into the bathroom at the climbing gym barefoot.
Translation: I prefer to get pee on my climbing shoe instead of my foot, its way grosser to have my own pee in my shoe than to have everyone track their pee onto the climbing wall

Wears a visor. Double-negative CDB if wearing it backward. Triple-negative CDB if wearing it backward and upside-down.
Translation: Head wear is only for keeping sun out of the eyes, all other use is forbidden by me.

Brings a crying kid to the crag.
Translation: I am too self centered to ever be able to take care of a child myself, and I have no idea what being a parent who climbs entails

Has a chalk bag that looks like a Starbucks coffee or Crown Royal bag.
Translation: Drinking starbucks at the crag from a paper cup instead of mate from a gourd is good, but if you dare go so far as to have a funny chalk bag I hate you

Has a quickdraw hanging from the rearview mirror.
Translation: If you like climbing enough to hang a draw from your mirror you are probably a better climber than me, and I cant climb with you because of that

Has a framed climbing poster.
Translation: I fucking hate people getting psyched on climbing

Uses a blue Ikea bag for a rope bag.
Translation: I have a trust fund, and anyone too broke to have a fancy rope bag is a shit climber and also an annoying person

Uses a haulbag for a cragging pack.
Translation: see above

Has anything clipped to the outside of their pack. Shoes, helmet, water bottle, etc. do NOT belong dangling/clanging on the outside of a pack. Put it all inside or buy a bigger pack.
Translation: Anyone too broke to be able to afford a variety of backpacks is too broke to be my friend

Walks from crag to crag fully racked up.
translation: I hate people who are efficient, better take the time to pack everything up before going to a new crag, then re-rack the harness at the new crag. This wastes time, so I dont have to climb as many pitches but I can still claim to have climbed all day

Harnesses up in the parking lot.
Translation: I've never done a climb with enough pitches to entail judicious backpack space saving measures.

Boulders at the climbing gym with a harness on.
Translation: I am OCD, people need to wear the appropriate attire or I wig out.

Wears any sort of mainstream sportswear while climbing (e.g., soccer shorts, football jersey or basketball tank top).
Translation: I havent mentally left high school, anyone I climb with must wear clothing of the correct brand, otherwise people might think I am uncool. I am not uncool, this is proved by the fact that I have lots of fancy name brand climbing specific clothing.

Fist bumps.
Translation: I hate when people have different greeting conventions than I, it makes me feel left out.

Belays in gym or at crag with climbing shoes on.
Translation: If you arent wearing shoes that make your feet hurt you must be a shitty climber.

Clips chalk bag to harness with a carabiner. Double negative if this is a locking biner.
Translation: I like the way chalkbags sit on me when tied with cord, therefore, everyone who does it differently is stupid

Hilarious translation. You deserve mountain project silver

Nice work! Had never heard about 8a.nu, so thank you!

Nice job. those elitist prick climbuing journalists seem to be out of touch with reality at times......

Excellent. Nice work. 

Just wanna further discuss the one about dangling stuff from the outside of your pack. Im not sure why this dude is hating on a lot of these things but I'm most confused by why he wants us to put our rank ass shoes inside of our packs. Shoes on the outside of the pack makes perfect sense so as to not stink up everything else. 

And one more...

"Writes a Letter to the Editor to complain about the CDB list."

Translation: I recognize i'm a douch-nozzle and this idiotic and uber judgmental rant will piss people off and they will email me nastygrams, so i'm going to try to make them feel like i'm superior by having anticipated this.

rafael wrote:

so some pretentous turd wrote a long list of mostly non-safety related things that will make the author never climb with the offending party. I translated a lot of these with an equal amount of snark as the author

http://www.rockandice.com/lates-news/climbing-deal-breakers

My understanding is that this article was written very tongue in cheek. It was intentionally written to offend everyone. I don't think you need to take it as a personal attack. 

So because it was intentionally offensive, that's supposed to somehow prevent people from feeling offended? If someone punched you in the face I doubt knowing that their intention was to piss you off would make you less pissed off. 

Some of you folks objecting to JT's CBDs need to get over yourselves.

Spoken as a perpetrator of multiple CBDs.

He wrote all of that and forgot number 1!!!!!

Climber's Name is Jonathan Thesenga.

Really though I think we can all assume he wasn't being serious although if anyone finds he was being serious I would block rock and ice for life / try to get a group together to have them fire him.

Yeah, I kind of trolled the Facebook feed by feigning extreme outrage that they insulted Chacos...I don't think they got the joke, though.

lol, put a petzl meteor or other lightweight helmet in your pack and see what it looks like after a week of approaches.

FFS, people, that article was meant as humor. The best part is reading the comments from offended readers. 

I posted it on my local climbing group's page. Most people got it, but there was one snowflake who write a long butthurt post. It was hilarious.

CDB: taking yourself so seriously you can't laugh at yourself. More like a friendship deal breaker, actually.

Mark E Dixon wrote:

Some of you folks objecting to JT's CBDs need to get over yourselves.

Spoken as a perpetrator of multiple CBDs.

Lol, yeah...

And just remember, the original article will get a lot more eyeballs than your "correction" post here. 

Just noticed OP is from Berkeley, where free speech isn't allowed if it might offend someone. Lol.

All that and not ONE SINGLE MENTION of someone wearing those 5 finger slippers whilst procaiming their superiority as footwear, never mind the research that shows otherwise?

How about:
Requires coffee in that AM before they can accomplish anything, including making their own goddam coffee. (or Mate for that matter, gourd or not)

Em Cos wrote:

So because it was intentionally offensive, that's supposed to somehow prevent people from feeling offended? If someone punched you in the face I doubt knowing that their intention was to piss you off would make you less pissed off. 

I forgot one... anyone who compares minor slights to violence.

Robert Michael wrote:

Just noticed OP is from Berkeley, where free speech isn't allowed if it might offend someone. Lol.

burn

Zac St. Jules wrote:

Excellent. Nice work.

Canadian flag tattoo should be a double deal breaker. 

Tony B wrote:

I forgot one... anyone who compares minor slights to violence.

It was an analogy, not an equivalence. I wasn't offended by the article, but I think the argument that no offense can be taken because offense was the intent is a bit silly. 

"I get so angry when people write satire!"
"I know, me too! Lets satirize it!"

Kettle, meet pot. Pot, meet kettle.