So I went climbing at the New River Gorge this past weekend. On Saturday my friend Thomas was leading this nice 5.10 crack. About halfway up, he had a life and death encounter with a vicious beast.

“Whoa! What the hell? There’s a flying squirrel up here! What should I do?”

“A flying squirrel?!? WTF?” I replied, thinking he was referring to a bat. “Is it in the crack?”

“No it’s out on the face. Look.”

He wasn’t kidding. An honest to God flying squirrel had emerged from the crack onto the face. In fourteen years of climbing, I've encountered bats, snakes, bugs, boulderers, and all sorts of other critters hiding in cracks, but never a squirrel. The little nut-ivore was standing his ground and chirping viciously. I’m not fluent in squirrel, but I think it roughly translated into “Come any closer and I’ll stick that nut tool where the sun don’t shine puny human!”

Thomas placed an extra piece of gear in case he had to take a fall to save life, limb or eyesight, shoo-ed the squirrel to no effect, then continued climbing. Conceding reluctantly, the squirrel dashed up the blank face and back into the crack higher. Thinking he had won, Thomas was unpleasantly surprised when the intrepid rodent started to pee on him. Revealing some obvious past Special Forces experience, he achieved a direct hit to Thomas’ eye (with collateral shrapnel on me belaying below).

Enraged, Thomas grabbed a loose piece of rock and returned fire. Though he didn’t hit the squirrel, the projectile forced the furry little winged mammal to retreat. The squirrel leapt from the face and into a nearby tree barking “I’ll be back….”

As Thomas was topping out, I saw the rodent’s tail disappearing back into the crack. Curses! Focused on belaying, I failed to see him out flank my position and regain the cliff at a small horizontal ledge. The petite polatouche was reoccupying and likely re-fortifying his position. I started to mentally wargame the possibilities: acorn ambush, improvised explosive nut device, rabid foaming little squirrel teeth gnawing my rope in half…..I thought “what would Steve Irwin the Crocodile Hunter do?”

My turn to climb, I cautiously approached the squirrel’s lair. My throat went dry as I heard the beast chirping from the depths of the crack. Fear began to overwhelm me as I remembered that things didn’t pan out so well for Steve Irwin. My legs shook, my palms dripped with sweat, my pulse throbbed in my temples and my heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest! The squirrel was holding his ground inside the back of the crack--it looked as if he was going to stay there while I passed. My trepidation gave way to the faint glimmer of hope! Then, as I neared the end of the danger zone, the beast made his move. Darting from the crack, he made a feint for the rope, leapt, dive bombed Thomas belaying below, and landed back in the trees. Sneaky little bastard!

As the adrenaline coursing through my body waned and my heartbeat returned to normal, I couldn’t help smile wanly at the irony: 6 months of cliff closures per year and never a hungry squirrel-eating peregrine falcon when you need one?!?

Despite the animal attack, we finished the climb without further incident and both agreed that it was probably the best pitch we climbed that day.

We may have won the battle, but somewhere in the depths of a crack overlooking the New River a squirrel with a big chip on his shoulder lies in wait, determined to win the war….”We’s hates climbers my precious….”

For the love of God and everything holy, be safe out there!

Dave

Great story Dave!

Very funny and wonderful descriptives. Especially in turning your squirrel into an enemy combatant.

should be placed in the 'climbing while armed' thread.

wow! thanks for the warning. it really peed on you!?

What a funny story whether it was fiction or real.

I like this part the most:

Funny. I've seen a few fly down from the cliff before. One missed the branch he was aiming for, cratered on the ground. He skidded through the dust, lay still as if dead, then jumped up and ran off, apparently no the worse for wear.

There are flying deer there also, but landing is a bit of a problem for them, at least if the one at the bottom of Endless near the Glass Onion a few years ago was any indication..

Did he look like either of these?

This is great, man! You just made my day.

I had a similar experience last year. Except it was racoon peeing in my friend's mouth while he was climbing a tree. ok, he might have been chasing it....