Okay, so this friend of mine has a spouse that's not a climber. She's not too fond of his climbing. He's tried the "respect mah authoritah" route - and was met with howls of derisive laughter.

Those of you who have a non-climbing spouse, significant other, whatever - how have you come to a mutually satisfactory arrangement? Is there even such a thing?

And if there are any of the aforementioned spouses perusing this fine site, how do you deal with a climber spouse?

I, er, my friend thanks you.

What is it specifically she doesn't like? Inherent risk, time away, your obsession and ignoring her?

Or are you just with the wrong woman?

There is only one thing I know, from Disney: You can't bottle up the wind.

Two words:

ice axe.

just kidding, that's a little extreme.
in all honesty, i don't think it works to well to mix and match--climbing's a lifestyle.

I was going to say, "It only gets worse when you have kids", but I'll let you find that out by yourself, maybe you have already.

Try to get her involved, and take her out climbing. She might like it. Mine did, until she had said kid, and then that went away (for a while anyway).

She has to understand that climbing makes you who you are, if that is indeed true. Once that is understood, then by definition, some time should be alloted for that. If that is not understood, then that is the problem.

Try working the "I'm happiest at home when I can stay fit and be active, which means that I climb". And be willing to compromise: I'll climb Saturday, but Sunday is yours, or half of this vacation week I am going to Red Rocks, but the other half we'll go camping and fishing. Or get up super early and get to the crag at sunrise to climb until 2pm and then spend the rest of the day with her. Or whatever. My wife is pretty understanding which I can be very thankful for. My job on the other hand...

If you got married before making sure she understood climbing's place in your life, then that is your fault, not hers.

I disagree with Robert about mixing and matching. The key is above.

But really Mike, why would you marry a woman who doesn't respect your innate authority as a man??!! Dude...

Divorce or quiting climbing is the answer. Divorce is how mine ended. A non climbing spouse especially a woman will never understand and only looks as climbing as something you would rather do than be with her. About having kids....when you do it, it definetly only gets worse because she now has guilt leverage on you. I tried for 8 years to balance the two and it always failed. Maybe I always failed. I have been divorced now for for 9 months and absolutely love it. I would highly reccomend divorce to anybody with a non climbing spouse.

From my perspective, you're out of luck. I've been married twice to non-climbers, and both times I've had to choose. Guess what?...I've been divorced twice!

Did she not know you climbed when she married you? If so, that's kind of messed up that she would want you to drop it when you'd been doing it all along.

Mine knew what she was getting into and has never tried to be controlling about how and when i climb. It is bad juju to be in a relationship were one is trying to change the other, and we both understand this. In fact I just came off a minor shoulder injury that had me out for about 5 weeks. When i told her i was going to spend the following Saturday climbing, her eyes lit up. Her words, "Your a dick when you don't get to go climbing enough." This is not to say I don't have to meet her half way, I don't do multi-day over-nighters every weekend and I don't put up a fight when she wants me to spend some of my vacation days over the holidays with her family(ARUUGHH!!) My main point is, trying to change a significant other/spouse is an unrealistic goal.

Also, some friends have said, "get her into climbing". WRONG. I like our time apart.And for those climbing couples out there, bringing a argument from home to the crag sucks for your friends. Leave it at home(ha)

Men get married thinking she WON'T change. Women get married thinking that he WILL change. The problem with this is that both are wrong.

What are her interests? Can you set a day and an evening aside where you do your thing and she does hers?

Both of my ex's were well aware of my addiction. Tony, I think you hit it on the head. Eventually, the climbing side becomes too great of a burden on the relationship, not to mention the petty jealousies involved with the occassional female climbing partner.

Almost all men do something to recreate away from their wife. Some fish, play poker, golf, hunt, work on the car, etc. Your buddy's wife needs to understand that if he stops climbing he is likely to pick-up something else. Probably something more expensive.

I agree with all those who acknowledge balance. With my wife, if I climb on Saturday I don't climb on Sunday. If I take off for a weeklong climbing trip that normally means I don't climb the next week or two.

I find that the key is the wife needs something to do to occupy her time while he is climbing. If she is sitting at home bored then her jealousy or anger will rise. If she is out getting a message with her friends she won’t mind as much.

Marriage means compromise and sacrifice (among other things). If your friend thinks he should be climbing as much as he did before he was married he is a bit off.

By some of the comments in here, I wonder if it's really the climbing that is ruining your relationships with women.

Tony, Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't your wife as hardcore about climbing as you are? If so, then which women are you referring to?

If you (directed at everyone) know that climbing is a very important and time-consuming part of your lifestyle, then you need make sure that you relay that to anyone who is contemplating a serious relationship with you, and understand that words aren't always enough to make the point. Make sure that you involve them in your activity to the extent that they have no misconceptions about what they are getting themselves into. It is better that they learn that up front so that there are no surprises down the road.

And about the women-always-want-to-change-men comment, I think it's just a wee bit patronizing to women. I have been with Betsy for almost eleven years, and she has never tried to change me. If you feel that way, the problem is that you aren't communicating very well with your partner. Put some of that responsibility on your own shoulders instead of making women out to be overbearing nags.

Obviously it takes a special woman to marry a climber, and if that woman doesn't happen to climb then my personal experience says good luck. Here are some techniques I've used to prolong the inevitable.

1. When said climber returns from climbing related outing climber will not talk about his trip till the following day.
2. The following day description of prior climbing trip will be discussed while climber and wife are shopping for spouse's desired knick-knacks.
3. Climber will focus on how much he missed his significant other when telling his "epic" tale of cragging.
4. Climber must resist the urge to talk about routes, movement, blah blah....your spouse has no real interest. Instead focus on how beautiful the setting is, the surrounding mountains, rivers, oh, and wild life. Maybe you saw an elk maybe it was a bobcat...
5. Bring something back for her. It could be a pretty rock from the parking lot, whatever, just bring a little something to let her know she is almost as important as climbing.
6. If none of the above bring positive results, purchase a Gri-Gri and teach her how to belay. You might as well get some climbing in before she goes out.

I work for a Harley-Davidson dealer and I'm a pretty avid climber so I feel as though I am somewhat of an authority on this subject.

I would ask your friend 1 question:

"Will your wife divorce you over climbing"?

If the answer is yes...than it's been a long time coming. Wish him well and keep in mind; single climbers make the best partners!!!

Marc, I'm proud to say I've learned my lesson and now have a climbing-betty. I wish i had known then, what i know now.

I don't understand a single one of these posts. WTF are you doing spending your life with someone you aren't spending your life with?

J