For you beginners I thought I would do a community service and post the definitions of the various types of climbing so that you have a full understanding. Enjoy.

Bouldering: You climb without a rope near the ground on boulders or at the base of a cliff. You never climb farther than you are willing to fall. Falls are usually broken by use of a padded “crash” pad. Helps build finger strength and footwork.
Comment: Not really climbing. For people afraid of heights who like to talk about the moves more than doing them, who like wearing wool beanies in the summer, who “spray” (brag), “pull” (climb), have “rad problems” (routes), and “crush” them when they climb them. Commonly start problems by sitting on the ground. Get freaked out by the exposure when their chalk bag clears the ground. Bouldering men: are really boys. Bouldering women: are really girls, though cute in those beanies and Prana pants.

Free Soloing: You are climbing alone way above the ground without any protection. If you fall you will die or be seriously injured.
Comment: Free soloing is about lonely mentally deranged people who can't tie knots and have a death wish but are too chicken to just jump.

Soloing: You are climbing alone with gear. Each pitch has to be climbed on self-belay then rappelled and cleaned by the climber who then ascends back up the rope using ascenders.
Comment: Solo climbing is about people with no friends who talk to themselves.

Aid climbing – Used to climb big walls and routes that are too hard to be free climbed. Aid climbing is when you commit your body weight directly to protection in order to rest or ascend. Uses rope ladders called etiers.
Comment: Not really climbing the cliff, really climbing the rope/gear. It is for people with infinite patience and time on their hands.

Gym Climbing : Climbing indoors in a rock climbing gym with pre-set top-ropes or lead climbing.
Comment: Someone who climbs almost exclusively indoors is known as a gym rat. Climbing posers whose primary aim (whether male or female) is to pick up guys.

Sport climbing: The climber clips quickdraws (slings with biners) into pre-existing bolted hangers for protection. Routes tend to be hard requiring athleticism.
Comment: Sport climbing is neither. Sport climber: Chalks up, backs away, re-chalks, breathes deep, re-chalks, and looks at climb again. Climbs without shirts call each other “dude” regardless of gender, “sends” route (no one knows where) instead of climbs them. Can be seen carrying a stick-clip for high first clips they are afraid to climb to. Sport climber men: shaves body hair, wears Capri pants, and smokes dope to excess. Sport climber women: wear Capri pants, sport bras, and are hot. For girly-men and hot chicks.

Top Roping: a climbing rope runs through an anchor set-up at the top of the cliff, to the climber. Cliffs must be less than half the rope length for a sling shot/social belay or else you have to belay from the top of the cliff.
Comment: Top roping will do to satisfy the climbing urge when you can’t get out to a real cliff and trad climb.

Traditional (Trad) Climbing: The leader places protection as he/she climbs and the “second” removes the protection when he/she follows. Trad is used to climb multi-pitch (more than a rope length) routes and mountains to get to the summit. When in the mountains, and especially when mixed with ice/snow, it is called alpine climbing.
Comment: This is the only true climbing. In addition to climbing ability it takes mechanical aptitude and big cojones. Trad climbers consider themselves morally superior to all others. Trad climber men: middle-aged with belly, belches, farts, picks nose, pisses off cliff, swears frequently, and drinks alcohol to excess. Wishes they could climb harder than 5.4 so they could hang with the hot sport climbing chicks. Trad climber women: same qualities as men.

Haha, brilliant. Very good definitions there.

awesome dude! waaay rad!!

seriously, best, and close to funniest, post in a long while!

and in case you haven't read this yet:

http://www.snowman-jim.org/climbing/humor/piss.html

That is spot on.

Suggestions -

Ice Climbing - Attaching sharp metal objects to your feet(crampons) and carrying Medieval battle weapons(ice axes/tools) to kick and hack your way up water in it's frozen state. Protecting yourself by screwing in sharp threaded tubes called ice screws. Unlike rock climbing, one should not fall on ice. For people that have extra money after they buy their trad racks, enjoy to stand around in freezing temps and have a certain amount of self loathing.

Note: Sometimes rock is climbed with your crampons and ice tools this is called mixed climbing. It is for ice climbers who have extra time to sharpen there crampons and ice tools after every use.

Alpine climbing should have it's own category.

Alpine climbing is the culmination of the following types of climbing trad, aide,ice and mixed climbing. It involves ridiculously early wake up times, long walks at high altitudes with heavy packs, cold temps and brutal weather conditions...Along with climbing rock, snow, and ice in multiple pitches usually ending in rappelling in pitch black. The "alpinist" is the highest form of climber and he/she knows it. They drink scotch and talk about "objectives" while often self promoting. On the surface the "alpinist" may seem cocky or overly confident, but they have a deep seeded self hatred that leads them to punish themselves with long days, cold temps, high altitude and heavy packs.

Nice!

makes me proud to be trad-sta.

Very accurate, we can tell what time of climber you are..

You just became my hero for the day. This is the best thing I have read in a while.

The sad part is that I know at least two or three people in each category and they all think they are the most bad ass climber around. (a couple actually are)

Although I primarily trad climb and identify as such, I think this post it is total BS. And, yes, I do see the humor in the comments and took them as good natured.

To me, climbing is climbing, and most people I know who are "true climbers" climb many/all of these disciplines. The only type of "true" climbing is the one that is making you smile at that moment.


Evan

this is funny until the last definition if ou gonna shit on one form of climbing shit on them all. why do all "tradies" look down on all other types of climb

overall funny post though i had good laugh about boulders and gym rats...

Trad: Often the professed style of the armchair climber as such poor souls typically abide in areas with minimal routes, and have more time for posting on the internet than climbing. Trad climbing and its inherant gear-wankery allows them to contrive obscure scenarios where everything fails, then propose a convoluted solution. It also provides a setting for arguing about bolts, fixed gear, and "ethics". As trad climbing areas are typically separate from sport areas trad climbing also allows these individuals a chance to enjoy an air of superiority without realizing that the route they just climbed would not even be considered a warm up in neighboring sport areas (nor even warrant a v-grade). Trad climber men: Led Zeppelin, Rolling Stones or Bob Marley t-shirt from before you were born. Gut.

Peak Bagging: what some dufus (or dufus'ee for the female version) in a mid-life crisis (or explosion of estrogen based femi-nazism) does and then writes incessant diatribes to others so as to seek some type of infamous notoriety all the while not being able to climb anything other than a stair-stepper footpath at the local 24h fitness or nearest fixed line that someone else set up. Participants are defined as Peak Baggers -- those of no real climbing ability, but readily report their prowess.

january 1 2081 I will be 94...