Mountain Project Logo

Climbers with significant other that doesn't climb

chris vultaggio · · The Gunks · Joined Dec 2008 · Points: 535

The last time I dated a non-climber I swore it would be the last; burning vacation time on beaches, perfect fall days spent at parties full of drunk folks I don't know, and generally falling into a situation where a lot of time spent with her I was thinking about climbing. Not the healthiest relationship and I'm sure it had a lot to do with us as people.

So, I waited. And in the process became partners with an awesome girl. We cragged and road-tripped, climbed desert towers and NE ice in the winter. Eventually she came around, and is more than I could ever ask for as a life partner.

As a gf she eclipses all my others, not only because she is a badass climbing partner but because our values align - someone drawn to climbing will naturally be concerned with prioritizing adventure over work, be into the environment, and be okay with living for a week in a tent and having to pump water.

Point is - she's awesome, and I'd be miserable with a non-climber.

Wait around for your awesome - it's worth it.

Bill M · · Fort Collins, CO · Joined Jun 2010 · Points: 317

Been with the same person nearly 25 years. She can climb is a safe belayer etc but it's not her thing. That is ok by me, if she climbed I would feel obligated to do shorter less commiting routes which would not be good.

However she does AT ski, mountain bike and trail run. I like trail running about as much as she likes climbing but I get out there with her from time to time but I imagine she likes waiting on me running about as much as I like to wait on her climbing.

Partners don't have to be joined at the hip but it does seem like some common interests are good as well as having some things you do as an individual

LindsayH · · Kingston, NY · Joined Jun 2014 · Points: 55

There is no right or wrong answer. It all depends on the people. Climbing alone is not going to keep you together if there isn't more to your relationship. And likewise, if your relationship is strong it's not going to break you up just because you have different interests.

Just to throw another personal story into the mix... My boyfriend successfully turned me into a climber, though I definitely still consider myself a beginner. Our specific climbing goals aren't always aligned. He's probably always going to be more serious about it than me and I doubt that I'll ever be able to climb at his level, but that has never been a problem for us. He's fine spending easy days at the crag with me, climbing at my level. And I'm fine not going on every single climbing trip with him. Right now he's planning a week long trip to Indian Creek with a friend. I'm staying home because I know they're going out there to push their limits and I won't be able to keep up. I'm fine with it. But the next vacation we take together will most certainly involve climbing that we both can enjoy.

Could he be climbing stronger now if he didn't spend a good portion of wall time teaching me? Yeah, probably. If you asked him four years ago, he probably would have chosen climbing over a girl 9 times out of 10. But that has changed now and priorities have shifted. It was more important for him to encourage me in hopes that I would love it as much as he does and it could be something great that we share. And it worked.

I'm not saying that having a girlfriend that doesn't crush as hard as you means you're never going to be climbing at your full potential. I'm just saying that when you're with the right person, you'll find a way to make it work. And if you find yourself continually prioritizing climbing over her or feeling resentment like she's preventing you from doing what you want to do, maybe you're just not right for each other.

Our climbing goals might not always be exactly the same, but in general we've got very similar priorities and both steer towards the outdoor/adventure lifestyle. We also go backpacking, skiing, and kayaking together. We'd both rather spend then night in a tent on a mountain somewhere than in a fancy hotel in a city. And of course, we have our own hobbies that the other has no interest in. I can tell when he's starting to get antsy and will gladly tell him he needs to go spend a day alone in the woods or out on his fishing boat. It's great that we both love climbing and it's something that we can do together. But chances are, even if I wasn't into climbing we'd probably still be together.

Fat Dad · · Los Angeles, CA · Joined Nov 2007 · Points: 60
LindsayH wrote:There is no right or wrong answer. It all depends on the people. Climbing alone is not going to keep you together if there isn't more to your relationship. And likewise, if your relationship is strong it's not going to break you up just because you have different interests.
I think this is a good observation. The real variable is not climber vs. non-climber; it's the individuals involved. It is also in large part a function of what your priorities are: climbing or relationship.

I met my wife through climbing and we had some fun climbing trips together pre-kids. However, now that we have kids, she hasn't expressed an interest in climbing again and has moved on to other interests. I, however, had been climbing for a LONG time prior to meeting her (she had been climbing only about 3 yrs.). As a result, she has difficulties understanding why I have not been able to find other more convenient interests given that she has. I do get the occasional climbing trip. I and a long time buddy try to hit the Needles for a long weekend every year. However, weekends don't really happen with all the family/kid activities that take priority. Even getting out for a few hours to the boulders is challenging. Part of that, however, is that I choose to be a father and husband first. The fact that many of my former partners have moved away or are in the same boat as me makes a big difference too since, even if I negotiated a Saturday or Sunday here and there, I still need to track down someone to go with. Life is complicated. While I envy the guys whose wifes let them climb often, I'd also feel guilty that I'm missing out on time with my kids that I'll never get back.
Trad Princess · · Not That Into Climbing · Joined Jan 2012 · Points: 1,175
Fat Dad wrote: Even getting out for a few hours to the boulders is challenging. Part of that, however, is that I choose to be a father and husband first. The fact that many of my former partners have moved away or are in the same boat as me makes a big difference too since, even if I negotiated a Saturday or Sunday here and there, I still need to track down someone to go with. Life is complicated. While I envy the guys whose wifes let them climb often, I'd also feel guilty that I'm missing out on time with my kids that I'll never get back.
Don't feel bad about making your kids #1 - that's exactly what they should be. The nice thing is, depending on their ages and interests, climbing can often be a fantastic way for you to spend time with them. Obviously, each family is different. If you're feeling like a tahquitz day run, and are without a partner, let me know. Would love to rope up with a Fat/Good Dad.
Chris Helak · · Wilmington, NC · Joined Nov 2009 · Points: 0

Just wait till you have kids... minimal time turns to negligible time. Take advantage of your time while its available. Also, remember that women like to be remembered in small ways, so a "little treat" here and there (flowers for no reason, chocolate, massages, nail polish, whatever) go a long way for keeping the significant other at bay while you're sending. Im only speaking from personal experience. In the end, if its important to you, she'll give to your needs, thought maybe not as often as the ever jealous mistress of the rock calls. Best of luck.

JuliaMV · · Christchurch, NZ · Joined Oct 2015 · Points: 17

As a few others have said, it's all about priorities, so be honest with yourself and your partner about what they are. An ex-bf and I were both keen climbers when we met, but he continued prioritizing climbing while I prioritized the relationship. We climbed together, but he was much more driven than me and climbed a lot without me (including several month-long overseas expeditions each year). This meant that I did most of the compromising to accommodate his lifestyle. Being left behind repeatedly caused resentment, envy, and worry. Even though we both loved climbing, it was a disaster.

T340 · · Idaho · Joined Oct 2011 · Points: 5

I couldn't make it work with my non-climbing fiancé. Climbing was a big part of that, but there were other reasons of course. Aren't there always?

Russ Keane · · Salt Lake · Joined Feb 2013 · Points: 392

It's amazing .... for some people climbing is just another hobby or pastime that can be discarded to more important things --- while for others it really is #1 over all else.

Perhaps the key is to discuss this important topic of priorities, and to be honest. Then there are no misunderstandings.

The question is, what's important in life? Is rock climbing worth throwing other things on the back burner? And how about relationships. Is it really necessary to "work at it" and devote all kinds of time to the relationship, to focus on a home, babies, stability, etc? You only live once so what;s the right path??

dahigdon · · phoenix, Az · Joined Jan 2015 · Points: 220

I have always ridden dirtbikes, It was my first real passion. I have now dated a non climber for 3 years. I was also a non climber for the first 2 years. When a buddy of mine got me into it, I was pretty hooked. So much so, that my dirtbike only gets ridden a few times a year it seems. My girlfriend is pretty awesome, she never tells me I can't go do something... However, the biggest issue for me is knowing that if I take off for a day or weekend, she is left at home by herself all weekend. This is amplified by the fact that she is from the midwest and doesnt have many friends here. Therefor, I feel like a real dirtbag when I leave her... Sometimes she will come with me for a morning or evening climb, but she just doesnt LOVE to climb. The risk is not worth what she gets out of it... so lately she will belay me for a couple hours and then we will take off. I do not try and convince her to climb now, secretly hoping she will have a change of heart regarding dirt and rocks. I tried that early on, and it was a disaster for everyone involved (aside from 1-800-flowers i suppose).

If I was not dating her, I would climb constantly, but maintaining a healthy relationship with her is my biggest priority in this stage of my life. Even if that means I have to go to brunch on a perfectly good climbing day and stare at the mountain over her shoulder.

She loves me enough to support me and my love for climbing, and I love her enough to not let climbing have a negative effect on our relationship.

sarcasm · · Unknown Hometown · Joined May 2010 · Points: 445
dave higdon wrote:I have always ridden dirtbikes, It was my first real passion. I have now dated a non climber for 3 years. I was also a non climber for the first 2 years. When a buddy of mine got me into it, I was pretty hooked. So much so, that my dirtbike only gets ridden a few times a year it seems. My girlfriend is pretty awesome, she never tells me I can't go do something... However, the biggest issue for me is knowing that if I take off for a day or weekend, she is left at home by herself all weekend. This is amplified by the fact that she is from the midwest and doesnt have many friends here. Therefor, I feel like a real dirtbag when I leave her... Sometimes she will come with me for a morning or evening climb, but she just doesnt LOVE to climb. The risk is not worth what she gets out of it... so lately she will belay me for a couple hours and then we will take off. I do not try and convince her to climb now, secretly hoping she will have a change of heart regarding dirt and rocks. I tried that early on, and it was a disaster for everyone involved (aside from 1-800-flowers i suppose). If I was not dating her, I would climb constantly, but maintaining a healthy relationship with her is my biggest priority in this stage of my life. Even if that means I have to go to brunch on a perfectly good climbing day and stare at the mountain over her shoulder. She loves me enough to support me and my love for climbing, and I love her enough to not let climbing have a negative effect on our relationship.
^^^^
p-whipped
dahigdon · · phoenix, Az · Joined Jan 2015 · Points: 220
sarcasm wrote: ^^^^ p-whipped
No Doubt
Fat Dad · · Los Angeles, CA · Joined Nov 2007 · Points: 60

Sounds like sarcasm is single.

MichaelChad · · Broken Arrow, OK · Joined Aug 2015 · Points: 20

I just recently started climbing, and neither my wife or son were really that into it. They wanted to try, but quickly lost interest for one reason or another if the day didn't go just right. Too much waiting, climbs were too hard... Now they love it every bit as much as I do, we're all in better shape, get to do things as a family in stead of splitting up to go our separate ways, son is TRing 5.7-8 and wife is leading 5.8-9.

Maybe I just got lucky, and they were bound to fall in love no matter what, but I really had to spend a lot of time NOT CLIMBING, to get them really involved. What I mean is taking them to outdoor stores, Belaying, teaching etc... Not flaunting what I can do, but spending entire weekends where I never set foot on a rock while setting up anchors, scoping new low grade climbs, teaching, learning, endless hang dogging, and climbing sub 5.6. I made it all about them, and had days (still do) where I just take one out for the day/evening and spend the whole time at the bottom of a rope.

For both of them the gear is a really fun part so we make a trip to Backwoods every week or two to add or shop for something small, but we don't buy things they won't use either, so they have to earn it at the crag. Started with super basic shoes and an ABC harness, and the rest of the pro/upgraded gear came as the climbing required it. After a while climbing steep rocky hills turned into more challenging climbs, $60 shoes turned into $150 shoes, and eventually to my wife being every bit the climber I am (really better), and they'll spend the whole day at the local crag climbing or not. Now the little things I do for them revolve around the outdoors, and we all get to enjoy it.

Not saying it would work for everyone, but I personally had to invest a lot into the situation before they really jumped in. I basically had to give it up to get it back, and it was totally worth it.

Jason Antin · · Golden, CO · Joined May 2009 · Points: 1,375
Russ Keane wrote:It's amazing .... for some people climbing is just another hobby or pastime that can be discarded to more important things --- while for others it really is #1 over all else. Perhaps the key is to discuss this important topic of priorities, and to be honest. Then there are no misunderstandings. The question is, what's important in life? Is rock climbing worth throwing other things on the back burner? And how about relationships. Is it really necessary to "work at it" and devote all kinds of time to the relationship, to focus on a home, babies, stability, etc? You only live once so what;s the right path??
+1

I was in a 9 year relationship long ago with a girl that didn't climb. As I got more into climbing we spent less and less time together. In the end, time in the mountains was not as important to her as it was to me.

My wife is my go-to climbing partner more often than not. It would be hard to imagine a relationship where my wife wasn't my climbing partner. Much of this is based on time together.

For a mediocre 9-5, weekend warrior like myself here's the Sat/Sun time breakdown:

RT drivetime: 3-16 hours depending on the weekly destination
Time on the Rocks: 16-32+ hours
Time at camp/tent: All other hours

Would other lifestyles, family culture and professions effect this typical weekend structure? Of course!

But for the time being, given my current life circumstances I'm pretty happy that my wife IS my climbing partner. Because if we didn't adventure together, we'd be spending a heck of a lot time apart.

In the end, as Russ stated, it's all about priorities. It seems like many of you guys are pretty stoked on a non-climbing significant other. As long as you're happy that's what counts!
fossana · · leeds, ut · Joined Apr 2006 · Points: 13,318

I've had a smallish number of more serious relationships with climbers, the longest being 10.5 years with my college b/f. I've pretty much structured my life around easy climbing access and have never wanted kids.

For me it's more than just do they climb, but aligning on style of climbing, abilities, motivation, etc. I admit, sometimes I wonder if would be easier just to date some other type of endurance athlete so we each have big blocks of time to do our own thing without resentment.

Tony B · · Around Boulder, CO · Joined Jan 2001 · Points: 24,665

Trust and communication are the 2 things required for any relationship.
Beyond that there are many variables.
I am married for 9 years to a non-climber.
There have been conflicts around climbing, but I still expect to climb 1 weekend day per week and one weekday night or AM per week (before/after work).
She expects to do her own things as well, and I watch the kid when she does, or we get a sitter and do our independent things at the same time.

It was easier with a climber - less scheduling of things. We could wake up or sleep in when we felt like it, then head to the crags together, or whatever. Whatever can be fun too, obviously. But if you are willing to try to schedule/regiment things a bit, it isn't every day that you are climbing, so you can still go your own pace at times with your partner in love or climbing.

The question need not be if your partner climbs, it can be about how she feels when you do, and more importantly, if she's going to be cool with time off of kids to both do your own thing?

We just got back from Maine/New Hampshire. We spent 3 days together and she did her own thing while I was climbing @ Cathedral Ledge for a day.

Is she reasonably independent? Are you? Will kids change that?

You will climb less. But when you are old, you will climb less anyway. She's probably more likely to stick with you than a climbing partner in the long run(*), so if you are happy and she is cool with it, it might be worth a try.

Results depend on you/her, not on if she climbs.

(*) Footnote = That said, I've known one of my climbing partners a fair bit longer than my wife. And that partner also married a non-climber. They seem to be working it out as well. her husband, much like my wife, finds other things to do when we're out climbing. He bikes and golfs, and appreciates his own time. So there's another sample.

Patrick Mulligan · · Reno, NV · Joined Oct 2011 · Points: 995

I have to agree with Tony. This is entirely subjective, but my most reliable partners in all my pursuits are guys and gals without a significant other who shares their passion. I can't count how many times I've witnessed bummed out looks from folks missing a perfect powder run because their sweetheart is cold, or a day of Mtb on perfect wet dirt in a drizzle because their sweetheart didn't want to get wet, or the dreaded call that they can't climb because they need to do something they can bring the other on as well. I've taken to telling younger friends and family members that finding someone with different interests that can add to their relationship is a better idea than looking for someone who shares all their interests. Someone who's secure enough to allow and appreciate that is way better in the long run.

Em Cos · · Boulder, CO · Joined Apr 2010 · Points: 5

There's an important distinction between a partner who shares your passion and a partner who enjoys as a hobby the thing that you are passionate about. A skier who quits when it's cold or a mountain biker who quits when it drizzles sounds more like a hobby than a passion to me.

Patrick Mulligan · · Reno, NV · Joined Oct 2011 · Points: 995

This is true, but things also change over time. People have kids, have jobs that limit time and priorities change. I've definitely seen more strife caused by one person's priorities changing in ways the other has not leaving two people who felt very balanced feeling very unbalanced as a result of the changes. As I mentioned, its entirely subjective, but I've also seen less strife in the relationships around me that are based around security and love than those relationships based around a single or multiple sports.

I don't know how old you are and certainly can't speak for your experience, but I can also tell you that I've watched more people quit climbing (or any other sport) as they've gotten older than people who continue at the same level as when they're younger. I'd say less than 1/3 of those I was climbing, riding, skiing with in my teens and twenties are still at it today.

Guideline #1: Don't be a jerk.

General Climbing
Post a Reply to "Climbers with significant other that doesn't climb"

Log In to Reply

Join the Community

Create your FREE account today!
Already have an account? Login to close this notice.

Get Started.