SURVEY

Darren Mabe wrote: do you think thats her real reason?

Hmmm... well, if not then there is a whole 'nother thing to consider. Trust and communication, trust and communication...

Is it possible she just wants to see that you are mentally invested in the process of planning the wedding and that you're not taking it lightly?

I'd guess that she's stressing out about the planning and wants to see some external manifestation of that stress from you. You need to let her know that the wedding is important to you and that you are willing to scale back your climbing accordingly before the wedding. But let her know that climbing is an important release of that stress for you and without that, everybody will be even more miserable.

Once you're married, she'll eventually get tired of you hanging around the house and demand that you go on week long climbing trips just to get you out of her business but YMMV.

Been married 10 years in June. I’ve had a kid for 4 years. I don’t climb as much as I used to and I’m super happy about that. The greatest days I’ve had climbing don’t compare to that best days I’ve had with my family. Sounds like you’ve conversed with her and are on the same page that climbing is important to you, while she explained that minimizing the stress of the wedding is important to her. If you are not willing to sacrifice one month of climbing for your wife I suggest you don’t get married. If she is asking you to cut back on your climbing forever then you probably shouldn’t get married. This will not be the last time you have to cut back on climbing for your wife. She could get pregnant, sick, need you to work on the house, etc. I lost a lot of climbing when my wife blew her ACL; no regrets. Marriage and kids are the biggest adventure of a lifetime. They make 5.15 look easy. Enjoy the ride!

You don't get hurt a ton? What's not a ton? Like a broken ankle every year or something ;)

I didn't climb much for the month around my wedding but it sure wasn't because my wife asked me not to. And even if she had, it would have been about me spending more time helping her or w/ family, etc. It would never have anything to do with her worrying about me. She's knows that climbing is as safe or as dangerous as you make it (90% of the time anyways).

If your wife worries about you getting dead, maybe she doesn't quite understand exactly what you're doing out there? Either that or you are wreckless!

Marriage ain't easy man, but it's always worth it. If you don't feel the same, don't get married.

Tony B wrote: Hmmm... well, if not then there is a whole 'nother thing to consider. Trust and communication, trust and communication...

thats what i was eluding to, because she may have another reason besides being only "stressed out", and OP may have only heard/interpreted that way. for example she might have said something like, "you havent helped with enough planning of this wedding at all and there is so much left to do i am stressed out"

there seems to be more to the story, thats all. or at least 'her' side too, in order for all of us to be playing Dr.Phil effectively.

Anthony Milano wrote: On a more serious note; this website keeps me sane.

That's odd... it has exactly the opposite effect on most everyone else.

wow. i feel blessed after reading this. i needed to climb around our wedding so i could clear my head from wedding stuff. Does your fiance climb?

climb on my friend...try to let her know that your sanity is just as important as her's (probably not an easy task to prove that to a bride-to-be), and that you guys are a team, not a principal-agent relationship...

TheBirdman wrote:Says the single climbers who all struggle with relationships because climbing takes priority...

Yeah, right. I agree with Greg, this is a not-so-subtle approach to control. Since when did any of your girlfriends or wives request that you NOT do something you love just to please their sense of anxiety or concern? My ex-wife sure never did. We are still good friends, too.

Ridiculous.

Unless of course you have ditched her repeatedly in the past to go climbing. In that case, uh, well. Good luck with that.

Good thing my woman and I met climbing. See you later, suckas!

OK Anthony, I say this tongue firmly implanted in my cheek.

Try this:
1. Reach into your pants and find your balls.
2. Think like the autonomous human being you are.
3. Make the right decision that's based on you and your relationship!

It's reasonable if you believe it's reasonable, or have reached agreement with her that it's reasonable. If you feel resentment over not getting to do your hobby (or she feels resentment over you doing it) then you two haven't discussed it enough. Corollary to this is that both your request to go and her request for you to stay are both rational and you can understand each other. Discuss it and you should find some middle solution.

Remember for the future that a little operant conditioning early on goes a long way. People in a relationship are always conditioning each other, but it helps to rationalize it - Reward the behaviors you like and you are more likely to see them in the future. Discuss your conflicting interests and reward the result of the discussion (it doesn't matter if you don't get your desired outcome, you're a step in the right direction). If you cave w/o both gaining understanding you are rewarding her request with the perceived most desired result. (edit to add - and setting yourself up to be whipped) Make sure her acceptance of your desire to go climbing, or at least willingness to discuss and understand, is a positive experience (try not to use any negative reinforcements at all). If you do receive her blessing that you may go, the best reward you could give her would be to decide not to because it will make her happier. That's the jackpot reward for her, and money in the bank for you next time you want her blessing on something.

^ I learned most of that from/with my wife. We talk about stuff like that all the time strangely.

Ben B. wrote:The poster above me has the truth of it, though it's an irrelevant truth, depending. But I can tell you, if I could do it over again, I would have done the whole marriage thing differently. Would have been justice-of-the-peace, and she would have known she was marrying a climber, and that wasn't going to change. Does she know she's marrying a climber, and that isn't going to change? You better make damn sure there's no misunderstandings there...

+1

My bro uses fly fishing and his volunteering at the fire station to get out of the house, actually works well for both of them his wife does not mind it anyway.

Thanks for all your help... Some more than others....
You guys all gave me some good fuel to talk to her about and go over with her. What made it worse is our Chocolate Lab (Alpine) got a case of pancreatic infection/throw up all over the house/make some of the most aweful sounds I have ever heard come out of animal at the exact moment we started talking deeply about stuff. Poor dumb dog-point is, as much as I hate to draw things out-it worked well to focus on a priority (our dog) and then talk about the important things in our lives and what we want in the future. We have had a couple of these discussions but this one was different.

She's a great woman and I am proud to marry her but we both have our quirks and I may have taken it a bit overboard making her sign something... HAHAHA. Oh well-she laughed... Turns out she has a great sense of humor.

Our lab is doing better and we both learned something through this... it helped us to gain a bit of focus and really think about what's important. Its just too bad she got so sick. It's funny, the dog felt like crap and all she wanted to do was go lay outside in the grass.

The Zen of Dog! How I envy that dopey Labrador Retriever that just learned to open the fridge... Which by the way she thinks is the greatest thing ever. Crap.

I appreciate all the help... it helps to get opinions on stuff like this...

Cheers!

Also outta curiosity-is Elena the new Mitch Zimmerman/Elanor???

Anthony Milano wrote:Also outta curiosity-is Elena the new Mitch Zimmerman/Elanor???

Mitch was actually Steve McQueen, and Elena/Elanor is a guardian of the Matrix.

Well, I am getting married later this month, but we're in a pretty different place. She is training for the world cup on June 2nd, so we are pretty much climbing as much as we can. I can definitely see how it could be difficult to marry somebody that doesn't share this passion, but is kind of put in a position to merely tolerate it. If I were in your position, I would probably try to explain why climbing is important to me, and if no compromise can be made, then I guess I would be left to jog for 30 days to get in honeymoon shape.