Best climbing guide (book) quotes

I'm a bit of a guidebook collector and love it when they have a bit of character to them such as great cartoon topos and quotes that describe the attitude of the era or area. This one floored me.
From the Shelf Road Rock Guide by Mark Van Horn ca. 1990

"intermittent use of clean gear (stoppers, hexes, cams) is not generally advised. Due to the extreme case hardening of the limestone, "bombproof" protection is likely to fail. The use of clean gear also tends to give the first ascent party an unfair advantage"

Anyone else got some good ones?

I don't know if this was actually published in a guidebook, but it is a great route description nonetheless.

"The Puking Gecko, Grand Wall, ***
S9 5.12d/e 712m
An intimidating and salacious climb. The final pitch is so exposed, tricky, and continuously strenuous that it is impossible to even contact the rock at any point. Better than making passionate love on top of a Japanese Bullet Train. Superbly magnificent and grimly brilliant." — Andy Cairns.

The Devil Made me do It - a guide to Devils Head
Man Chowder 11d at Red Wall - This route is so good that you'll be spraying "man chowder" by the time you get to the upper portions.

From Richard Rossiter's 'Teton Classics'

"By far the easiest way to reach the south-east side of Mount Moran is by canoe... If approach by canoe is ruled out (and you had better have a good reason), begin from the parking area at String Lake, shoulder thy burden, and hike the Valley Trail 3.5 miles to the north end of Leigh Lake. From here, labor westward along a primitive trail that follows the shoreline to the cascade that descends from the Falling Ice Glacier... For those incurably bent of self abuse, this area also may be reached by a devastating bushwhack along the southwest shore of Leigh Lake."

I laughed when I read "labor westward" and "a devastating bushwhack".

The Arapiles guidebook has got to be the king of this. Similar in tone to the Puking Gecko description above. I'd give you a dozen good examples but I loaned out my copy.
The book is worth buying even if you have no plans to visit. But beware, read it long enough and you WILL plan a trip there!

Tom Hanson's Castlewood Canyon guide is full of cartoons that are witty to downright hilarious.

The first paragraph starts with: "Welcome to Doggieworld!", and ends with Tom's standard encouragement: "Have fun or get hurt bad!".

Plus Tom will sell you his guidebook, "For $10; $8 if you want an autographed copy!".

Jim Erickson's Rocky Heights has some great lines. One of my favorites is a description of the Ump Slot in Boulder Canyon:

“5.8 for beanpoles and 5.11 for the bulbous”

or something close to that – sorry I don’t have my copy of the book handy.

From the Tensleep Canyon 2008 book:

American Flag = 5 stars = If you don't do this route, you hate America and Your Mother.

From, Metal In Your Head A semi-comprehensive guide to Iron County Rock Climbing. by Jack Tackle

"This is by no means a comprehensive guide to the area. In fact some of these routes are almost not worth mentioning."

About Introslad 5.5
" Bring skinny biners, because the idiot that made those hangers didn't drill the clipping hole large enough."

Support your local crack bolter (satire)

" Are you scared your cams will pull out? Is that # 12 stopper too small for your falls? Are you sick of wasting all that energy placing pro? Then donate to National Chapter of Crack Bolting Gumbies (NCCB). Any small donation will help us reach our goal of bolting every crack this planet has to offer. After all, real climbing began, with the installation of bolts."

Lee Smith wrote:Tom Hanson's Castlewood Canyon guide is full of cartoons that are witty to downright hilarious. The first paragraph starts with: "Welcome to Doggieworld!", and ends with Tom's standard encouragement: "Have fun or get hurt bad!". Plus Tom will sell you his guidebook, "For $10; $8 if you want an autographed copy!".

From Tim Toulas "A Better way to Die", "Recomending a route in Sedona is like handing an epileptic a bottle of Nitroglycerine". Gotta love it.

Rossiter's recommended gear for the Diving Board-
"Rack up to a #4 Camalot, shop vac."

The Hasaan Saab Rifle guidebook from the mid nineties had an intro written by Matt Samet, one of the funniest things I've ever read. I had borrowed the book from a friend way back when so I don't have one to give you any quotes. The parts I do remember were too crude and vulgar to post here, anyone have a copy laying around they could post a nugget from? Matt?? help us out here, that was some funny shit.

Just about any quote from Jim Erickson's Rocky Heights. One of the all time classic guidebooks. If you don't have a copy, and can ever get your hands on one, buy it! I have an extra, brand new one I keep in a fire proof safe, just in case the house ever goes up in flames. Here are a few excerpts.
Lady Godiva, 5.9 X - "Certainly not an eye catching line, though it is exposed and risque".
The Metamorphosis, 5.9 R - "Due to the transitory protection, any leader who has strayed from the proper path on this climb and falls will promptly be reformed".
One for Boulder Canyon... Coffin Crack, 5.10 - "An educational practice crack, though many climbers have found it to be an overcoming undertaking".

Joshua Balke wrote: Love this book. Especially the finger/face on the crimper cartoon.

In the intro to the Summit County climbing guide states something like "this author does not recomend any of the routes listed in this book".

No flesh shall be spared - Mark: 13

A Cheap Way to Fly: Free Climbing Guide to Northern Arizona
by Tim Toula

"Every man likes the smell of his own farts - Icelandic Proverb"

A Cheap Way to Fly: Free Climbing Guide to Northern Arizona
by Tim Toula

"Driving time from Flagstaff 10 min.

Drive fast... take chances!!!

Miles from Flagstaff 9 mi."

A Cheap Way to Fly: Free Climbing Guide to Northern Arizona
by Tim Toula

From Roper's original Yosemite guide:
"On either end of the social spectrum there lies a leisure class"

Hey Tom-
Love the guide book for Castlerock. Maybe the next batch you could use some longer staples. Mine, as well as everyone I know fell apart within a couple of hours of use. Just a suggestion. Thanks.